Can’t do this shit anymore

[AlwaysDancing1234]

Can’t do this shit anymore.
Been wiith H for almost 20 years, 2 kids, one of whom has SEN.

I am fed up of always being the one that has to think of everything, do everything and take on all the mental load and financial strain.

I’m the one that’s always in contact with school and doctors etc to fight for DS to get what he needs.
I’m always the one who makes sure homework is done, make sure kids are well kept and bathed etc. Laundry housework and all the rest.

DH is not a bad person he had just been babied by his mother all his life (still is) and doesn’t seem willing or able to take on any adult responsibilities.
He is in a low paid part time job and is supposed to be training for a qualification to move up to better pay etc but can’t be arsed to do the work and is on games console instead.
He says it’s due to depression/anxiety but I suffer myself and still work long hours in a job which pays the bills rather than the career I want as well as looking after kids and household.

We’re in shit loads of debt just trying to stay afloat. Debt is mostly in my name as I’m the higher earner and he couldn’t get a loan (yes I know how fucking stupid I am)

My patience is running out and I’ve had enough. I don’t know what I want from posting this other than to vent. I feel trapped and so angry.

[bluebell34567]

i think you are coming to crossroads to do something about it.
give him a time frame to better up himself, if he doesnt do unfortunately you have to think of yourself and your children. you cant live all your lives like that. some thing must be done, soon.

[AlwaysDancing1234]

Thank you for replying Bluebell. I think you’re right, can’t go on like this. I have ignored it for a few weeks thinking it was the effects of being stuck together in lockdown but I’m just making excuses to myself

[0DETTE]

If you divorce him, will he take the kids half the week ? Especially if he works part time .

That would give you more time to yourself than you have now. You would still have to deal with all the school stuff though I expect. And you’d have the debt.

Best of all you wouldn’t be so angry at bison being a lazy bastard.

[TheSandman]

Make a list of all the things you do for him that you think he is capable of doing himself - and then stop doing them.

Stop doing his laundry for one. If a grown man, old enough to be a father, can't work out how to wash and dry his own underpants then he is a lost cause.

[LittleWing80]

You are realising you need to do something about the situation. You sound exhausted. Imo, information is key when you don’t know where to start. What would your life look like if you were on your own? Financially, childcare wise? Once you have a clearer picture, it might be easier to decide what to do.
Big hug

[FrankieKnuckles]

Good for u if u don't stand for that shit.
Sometimes I think that's the only way this cycle of women doing more (because that is the reality in most households) will end-if women end relationships because of it.


https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/may/04/coronavirus-is-giving-us-a-glimpse-of-the-future-of-work-and-its-a-nightmare?CMP=ShareiOSAppp_Other

[0DETTE]

At him

Don’t know about the bison

[thepeopleversuswork]

Life's too short.

FrankieKnuckles is right. We, as women, have to take control of this situation because they won't give an inch unless we make them. They are too used to us doing all the work.

It's not sustainable for one person to do everything. He has a responsibility to do everything he can to improve the family's quality of life and to support you. By sitting on his arse playing games he's not keeping up his side of the bargain.

I don't know how the chips would fall financially or with the children and that might be a tough negotiation. But I can't believe that the status quo is the way to go.

[Techway]

What positives does he bring to your life?

You seem ground down and the current situation will be making everything worse. If he drains you rather than add to your or the children's life then perhaps it's time to move on. It could however be a slump and he may manage to get more focused.

[category12]

You might find things easier on your own. I honestly think it's worse sharing your life with a full grown adult who could take up some of the burden but doesn't and resenting him, than it is being on your own and knowing it all falls to you. He makes work for you and his financial contribution may not outweigh what he costs/support you might get as single parent.

[AlwaysDancing1234]

Thank you all for your messages - sorry if I can’t reply straight away. As usual trying to work from home and manage kids, schoolwork and household. (Despite the fact he’s not at work today).

I Probably should be working now not on MN but too wound up.

You’re right in that I’m totally mentally and physically exhausted. We’ve spoken about this before and things improve for a little while but then slip back to normal.

We don’t own our house we rent. If we split he’d move back with his mum and dad as they’re near. I couldn’t bear not seeing my kids every other weekend and having MIL interfere more than she already does. It would also upset kids but especially eldest who has ASD and doesn’t cope with change.
Financially I suppose I’d have to get benefits of some sort as can’t afford to maintain house and bills on my own although his contribution is a lot less than mine.
And I’d be left with debts as they’re in my name. I’m screwed aren’t I.

[AlwaysDancing1234]

Sorry my responses are garbled I can’t think straight.

[AlwaysDancing1234]

You are all so right.
ODETTE - “don’t know about the bison” made me laugh thank you!

[Scaryprospects]

I could of written this OP. My DD has SEN I am
a high earner, DH is low earner but I’m the one that’s had to do house wife duties, paperwork for DD, all the appointments that come with that and interviews plus working full time compressed hours.

I had enough last year, walked out and he completely changed his life. Unfortunately I no longer love him. And it’s even more hell than I was living this time last year. I have to take responsibility for the divorce proceedings, financial and childcare arrangements. It doesn’t end unfortunately.

So I guess my advice is if you want to save it having a frank and honest conversation. I’m even debating just going back and being miserable because I’m more miserable and I miss my daughter terribly when she’s not here. (I’m 8 months on)

[category12]

Some sorts of debt can be written off or you can get help to sort out an affordable repayment plan from debt charities such as Stepchange to deal with your creditors. Yes, it does your credit rating no good, but that can be rebuilt over time. (If you're married and the debt incurred benefited him, he can be held liable too, which can be taken into account during the financial settlements of a divorce).

You get used to not having the dc all the time and can even come to enjoy your time.

Have a look at the entitled to calculator and see how it turns out. At least you'd be working from knowledge. He'd be expected to pay child support.

[copycopypaste]

Your life will become so much easier when you stop making allowances for him.

I had a friend in exactly your position, higher paid, more hours job just still did everything. Kids and house etc.

She eventually left her, now ex, and I remember her saying that she felt so much better, not because she didnt have the same load, she did have, she just wasn't living with someone who could help and didn't. She felt so resentful of him and once he was out the picture it took some mental load away.

With regards to the debt, Halifax you are married he's still responsible for half regardless who's name it's in.

Use some of this time to get yourself sorted and speak to a solicitor

[AlwaysDancing1234]

Scaryprospects thank you for that different perspective and I’m sorry you’ve had this problem too.

I feel like I’m banging me head against a brick wall. I got cross and shouted at him this morning and now he’s got a face on and is giving me silent treatment or mumbling while not looking at me so I can’t hear him.
He has actually made lunch and helped a bit with school work so that’s something I just can’t be doing with this shit anymore.

I will try and speak to stepchange thank you.

I can’t afford a solicitor and get very very little time away from him and kids to be able to talk to them.

From what I can work out on benefits calculator I would be no worse off but I don’t know what he’d have to contribute in maintenance.

[AlwaysDancing1234]

I also worry that if we did split he’d hurt himself. And I know his family would make things very difficult.
I just don’t know what to do for the best for not just me but him and the kids too.

[Scaryprospects]

Again, had exactly the same thoughts myself and I ended up having to call his best friend to go and talk to him because I just got to the stage where I couldn’t any longer.

If you can save the marriage by giving him a serious wake up call I would try that. We did try for a year with marriage counselling and the like but I think in my heart I just knew it was over.

He has no where to go so I’ve been paying for everything whilst I’ve living out of one bedroom at my parents. I see my daughter less regularly than I’d like and whilst he is on furlough and I’m paying everything he has my daughter full time. It’s the right thing to do at the moment but it hurts like hell.

Not trying to scare you off but trying to make you aware of the reality also. I was so hell bent on leaving but the constant guilty feeling for ripping a family apart is a big burden.

If you can salvage the marriage go for it. If not seek legal advice. So sorry you are going through this it’s a really crap situation to be in.

[Scaryprospects]

I’d recommend getting yourself some therapy first. Get your head straight and then decide with a clear head.

[FrankieKnuckles]

@AlwaysDancing1234 with regards to what's best for the kids: what toll does this (ie doing everything, carrying all the mental load) have in you? How much longer do you think you can carry like this? How would your ASD DC cope if you had a breakdown/had depression etc?

It's that it wears you down, you're not happy & cant go on like this for much longer then it is likely affecting your DC already. And you need to be able to fight for your DC with SEN, so need to be in a positive place.

On the flip side if you weren't to have this load, how would you feel & behave? And how would your DC benefit from that?

[AlwaysDancing1234]

scaryprospects sorry you’re dealing with this too

FrankieKnuckles thanks for your advice, makes a lot of sense. It’s just hard to see a way out right now.

[WLmum]

always sounds quite similar to my situation. I just called to kick off couples counselling tonight as a last ditch attempt. We have the same row twice a year and I'm tired of it now. I don't really want to divorce, mainly due to the worry of financing 2 houses and dd2 would refuse to stay away from me, but I'm so resentful at having carried the load for so long.

[LannieDuck]

So, you work FT and he works PT... what's his excuse for not doing at least half of the housework and childcare? Does he ever give a reason? Have you ever managed to have a clear conversation with him about it?

[AlwaysDancing1234]

WLmum sorry it’s you too. Just seem to go round in circles but the “down” times are getting more than the “up” time’s.
LannieDuck he suffers on and off with anxiety and depression but lately it’s becoming more an excuse than a reason.

Although he’s been unhelpful lately weirdly yesterday he got up early ish, sorted kids made breakfast and did laundry. He then went grocery shopping and bought me flowers and chocs. All loving and helpful. But I wonder if it was because my bleeding has stopped (Gynae issues so bleed 3 weeks out of every 4) and he thought he’d get lucky 🤷‍♀️