I've just ended a relationship that was incredibly toxic and I am slowly unpicking things alone in lockdown. I know the way he behaved and what he said was extremely manipulative but I want to know if there's a name for it. I'll give a few examples of the dynamic.
From the moment we got together, after the "honeymoon period," he pushed very hard to unbalance the relationship to try to make my behavior and communication with him one dimensional and one-sided. Eg he very slowly only started engaging in the relationship properly if I acted like some kind of crazy groupie/fan, ie constantly praising him, telling him I wished I was with him all the time, that he was a God. It got to the point where just to have an okay-day without him giving me the silent treatment/not answering/disappearing/accusing me of stuff, everything had to be entirely on his terms. When I did this, sent him constant praise and admiration and orientated my life around him, he was very loyal, attentive, always in contact etc.
When I expressed any of my own personal wishes, preferences or emotions, he would accuse me of being combative or "wanting conflict" and say that he "doesn't like to fight," when what I was saying was nothing near a fight. This was completely the opposite from the beginning of our relationship where he was very open to aspects of my life, past relationships, information, listened to me for hours etc. What I realised is that time just gave him the opportunity to refer back to things I'd told him and use them against me eg in backing up his argument that I am combative, he would say "well you and Paul used to argue a lot. Now I know what the cause was..."
He also developed (and loved) this idea that I was desperate for sex with him or addicted to him and that he had to "allow" me sex or access to him. I was never addicted to sex with him, or desperate for sex with him, but I went along with it at the beginning because he said he felt very insecure about feeling wanted and attractive. I didn't realise in wanting to reassure him he would then create a world in which he was the God and I was the mortal. He would randomly send me dick picks or photos of him naked and would expect instant replies with gushing praise and admiration. If I didn't reply within a certain timeframe then I would get the silent treatment.
Every time I would say "right, I am done with this," he would break down and cry/beg/apologise and bombard me with calls. Everything would be balanced again for a couple of weeks and then he'd slowly start to shift the relationship back to the rockstar/groupie, God/mortal dynamic. I know i sounds crazy that I put up with this, but it was so insidious, and also very passive. Nothing would be blatant, it would be in silent treatment, in well-chosen words, in comparisons to others, that he would condition me to act the way he wanted me to.
Obviously I am out of this now. But what was it?
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Toxic relationship. Please help me untangle
10 replies
downwiththissortofmeme · 04/05/2020 20:13
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