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Should I end my 5 year relationship whilst pregnant?

(12 Posts)
LilyBunny21 Mon 04-May-20 18:43:56

I'm new to all of this, so forgive me for not using acronyms. I've been in a relationship with my BF for nigh on five years, I've forgiven him for a whole ton of stuff he did in the first year, and I was slowly getting over it. He moved in with me & my family in late 2017, and I found him a job almost immediately (something he didn't have before) and in mid 2018 we moved into our first house together. The neighbourhood was a nightmare, (horrible neighbours) and I was perpetually stressed the entire time whilst he was at work 9-5; thankfully in late 2019, we found somewhere new to live, and we have settled in fine.

There has always been 'problems', in our relationship; I have major trust issues down to things he did in our first year, and he believes I should be 100% over all of that. I also find I'm more of his mother, than his partner - I cook all our food, clean our house (even at my family home and our first house) and do all our laundry, he literally does not lift a finger and complains I'm nagging when I ask him to do anything - or remind him to do something. He has major aggression issues, and will fly off the handle at any little thing I say wrong (i.e. something he doesn't agree with) he will storm up to my face, push me, grab me all whilst screaming in my face. I already suffer with severe anxiety, so this induces a panic attack to which he belittles me for having one. However, when we're having a good few days, I sort of forget all the bad stuff that's happened, and subsequently we started trying for a baby in January of this year. In April I found out I was pregnant, and I'm now around 9 weeks pregnant according to an app. Things haven't changed, and he keeps telling me how this baby was a mistake and he wants me to leave; because of the COVID19 situation, I can't register with social housing so I'm stuck with him.

I don't work because of my anxiety, but I pay for all our food + necessities and luxuries, and I also pay for my car insurance (which is just under £200pcm because of me only having a license for 7 months) + tax, phone contract & WIFI. He works full time and pays for the rent + bills (utilities and sofa finance) He constantly tells me that once I pay rent, I can complain about him not tidying up after himself; I see that as "I go to work, so you should cook, clean and take care of our baby", which is obviously a misogynistic outlook. I'm not sure why he has all these issues, his mother cheated on his father throughout their marriage and my BF was an unplanned/unwanted baby, she then abandoned the family to pursue her affairs. My BF claims she beat him constantly throughout his childhood, and his father stood by and allowed it to happen. I'm not sure if any of it is true, he still maintains contact with his father and I've noticed no animosity toward him from my BF.

I'm just not sure what to do anymore; I have an amazing family but they don't know any of what goes on in my relationship and I haven't announced the pregnancy to them, but I feel so alone... I constantly worry about all the things I've mentioned above, and I've absolutely convinced myself he's cheated on me with our neighbour!! - I haven't seen them speak, but their works are directly next door to each other and my BF is aloof when he's at work (he gets paid to take breaks, but claims not to take them) and he also lied to me for three months about going to the local store before work... I've never expressed a problem with this and knew he went for e liquid, but going through his bank statements I found he was spending around £50pm at the local corner shop and he couldn't explain any of it. I had mentioned my concerns to the neighbour in question, minus my belief of her involvement, and she was more than happy to 'help', going so far as to drive me to his work to see if he was even there on a weekend! It all just seemed so... planned? Last week, he was called into work during the lockdown, I drove him to work and left. At lunch time, I took him his lunch and noticed my neighbours car was gone (she hasn't left her house the entire lockdown) so I found this particularly strange.

Maybe I'm crazy. I know I should leave. It just feels good to type this all out and not feel alone. What do you all think?

OP’s posts: |
Dragongirl10 Mon 04-May-20 18:50:24

I am aghast that anyone would choose to live with such a monster, you must know that this is a very abusive relationship?
I am very very worried about bringing a baby into such an angry environment.
Please leave and go home to your family, you could bring up your baby without him, or let him think you have miscarried and not ever see him again...
I strongly advise you to let your parents know what your relationships is really like before he hurts you or your baby( often abuse escalates in pregnancy )
Please please leave him

Ohohohwhereyougoing Mon 04-May-20 18:54:04

Get out before he kills your family, tonight flowers

Windyatthebeach Mon 04-May-20 18:55:08

Being in an abusive relationship and leaving is allowed during lockdown. You can even get free train travel to get to a safe address.
Leave, text him next week that you have had an abortion. Even if you haven't. And live your lives without him. Not every dc needs a df. Definitely not an abusive one.

GilbertMarkham Mon 04-May-20 19:00:51

Got half way through your post ... Get rid.

I'm sorry.

Btw the fact that he acted really shittily and hadn't had a job were two big signs he was bad news and not relationship material. Please don't proceed in future when you're seeing things like that.

EastMidsMumOf1 Mon 04-May-20 19:03:23

Just leave. It will never get better and he will likely make yours and your child life a living misery.
Sorry you're going through this flowers

category12 Mon 04-May-20 19:03:28

Honestly, I think you should leave. This is awful.

Also, sorry, but consider a termination. You really don't want to be tied to a man like this through a child.

GilbertMarkham Mon 04-May-20 19:04:09

Good books

Why does he do that;

(Full book) skip to "myths about abuse" if you're trying to read it faster.

Other books

Women who love too much

He's just not that into you - for basic things not to ignore/proceed in spite of. Cheesy title for actually v good book.

Ploppymoodypants Mon 04-May-20 19:07:47

Does he know you are pregnant? Any chance you could leave and cut contact and him not find out?
Because once the baby is here, you are not going to want to leave your child with this monster every other weekend and half the holidays.
I would certainly leave. It doesn’t sound like he is a good partner and believe me, having a baby on your own is a lot easier than having one, and tiptoeing around another adults moods and clearing up after them.
Good luck. You deserve someone who makes you feel loved and secure.

Loola08 Mon 04-May-20 19:15:40

I put up with similar for 18 years, and I did nothing but question why I didn't leave him a very long time before.
Do what's right for you, don't stay because you're pregnant, or because it's easier.
You will do so well on your own if you're in this position I promise you. Xx

SayNoToCarrots Mon 04-May-20 19:56:12

Leave him.
Or you and your child will be miserable.

Fairycake2 Mon 04-May-20 20:06:04

Agree with @category12

So sorry you are going through this OP 💐

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