I've NC for this but been around for years.
Its taken a lot of courage for me to admit this to myself,never mind write it down so please be gentle.
5 years ago I was in the middle of a marriage break up. I think I had some sort of breakdown, I seriously considered ending things. I did all sorts of silly things with pills & walking into the sea.
I joined all sorts of sites to chat to other men as I was so bloody lonely. I had NO intention of doing anything. I just wanted to talk, for someone to say I looked nice, for some attention. I did meet a couple for a cuppa, in a public place but only ones I didn't find attractive, just got on with - in similar situations. My ex was the classic paid no attention to me, no affection, rejected me in bed, loved his xbox more., left me in agony after an OP not even helping me home or upstairs to bed. He rarely spoke to me or sat in the same room. I think it had become really noticeable since the youngest DC became a teen and spent most of their time in their bedroom. When I initiated the breakup he then played the victim and tried to make things better by trying to talk and buying flowers. By then though I could not try again. I was so low. I did try for probably 5 years and had brought the subject up countless times.
We ended up living together for a year (separate rooms) until he finally moved out - he refused initially.
One of the guys I was speaking to was so lovely, we chatted for months, he was lonely in his relationship too, no affection. He appeared genuine, was a Dr of Science, was quite open etc. I was honest and said I was only chatting as friends. He said no problem. One week he said his girlfriend had gone away on business, at that point I was separated but living in the same house. He invited me for dinner as a friend. I honestly thought there was no harm.
I got there, he had done a lovely buffet spread and bought me my favourite drink. I cant bear to type it all out but I started to not feel right, I was aware but not aware, we had sex, I did not want to, I don't know if I said no as I lost most of the night. I remember suddenly being sat up in a bed and going to the toilet and knowing what had happened was not right. I felt sick. He tried to give me money for a taxi but I said no. I left and threw up and then I don't know how long I wandered about the town for but I was out of it, I finally found a cash point and got some money and a taxi home.
I have never told a single soul.
He emailed a chatty email soon after and I told him that what had happened was not right. He disagreed and said it was fine but he did regret it.
I came across his name by accident. He married his girlfriend not long after. They have a toddler. I want to tell her. I want her to know what he did and could still be doing.
I am now with the love of my life. I am SO happy. I cannot bring myself to tell him - I just cant.
I dont think I even need advice. I just needed to tell someone. Anyone.
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Past Sexual Assault
16 replies
Matilda3122 · 04/05/2020 14:12
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