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Just need to get things off my chest, feeling lost

(9 Posts)
percykush Mon 04-May-20 12:28:16

I need to post this to get some things off my chest. Not sure what answer – if any – I want, just a release, to people who aren’t family/friends so don’t have a bias.
For a long time now – we’re talking years – we have had no sex life. A combination of his depression / anxiety, family stresses, did not help trouble he already had in ‘performing’. And his nature has always been of the infuriatingly childish “if it’s difficult, give up”, mentality. So he gave up. (although still uses porn sites; he says he can’t perform with me if he’s not happy…)
Life is, as he says, ‘beige’. There’s no real joy in anything anymore; we have dinner and share film and tv shows and can talk about them to death…. But we don’t go out (except the cinema). He won’t even sit in the garden with me. On the most recent sunny weekends, I sat in the garden by myself for hours with various books and cups of tea, while he stayed inside and watched Netflix. There’s probably an argument that I could equally have sat inside with him, but that’s already how we spend our evenings…… We have a family facebook group, and regular zoom chats. He won’t appear in any of them. On my sister-in-laws birthday, he didn’t even stick his head to wish her a happy birthday. I know he finds it hard, and I’m not belittling his anxiety, but I don’t see any effort from him to improve at all. Becoming a hermit is the easy way out, and he’s taking it. To all intents, we’re two single people living together.
With the lockdown, I’m now working from home, the only one of a team of six where all my other colleagues are furloughed, so it’s very lonely. I’m naturally a bit of an introvert, but since I’ve lost my usual weekend haunts of bookshops and coffee shops, it’s hard, but what has come of this is that when I snap or get grumpy, he looks so hurt and lost because his first assumption is that I’m having a go at him and he asks “what have I done?” with a face as if he’s about to cry, when I told him he hasn’t and I didn’t mean to snap, he'll say something like “I just feel that you’ve been angry with me and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”. He tells me he feels small, and timid, and sometimes is ‘scared of me’. What am I supposed to do with that? I’ve noticed he doesn’t ask “are you ok?” when I get snippy. Am I expecting too much??
What would I like? a smile when he checks in on me in my 'office' in the morning. Sharing a cuppa in the garden. Appearing in public as a couple, and not either just me, or (if we're shopping etc), me and sulky toddler mooching behind me.

This has become something of a stream of consciousness and a rant; what it doesn't say is that I feel so much for him, it breaks my heart that he's so down and hurts so often, but I don't know what more I can do to help him find the easy going joyful person I married 10 years ago.

OP’s posts: |
percykush Mon 04-May-20 12:31:25

[EDIT] Many of the above subjects we've discussed before - at length - as a couple, but never get resolved. The outcome usually being that we'll try and be more patient with each other and he feels hard-done-by.

OP’s posts: |
AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 04-May-20 12:36:46

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Why are you and he together at all?. It all sounds completely joyless, beyond sad and unfulfilling.

Has he ever received any medical help or on the other hand refused to see a doctor?. What too do you know about his childhood and family background, the roots of all this could run very deep.

He uses porn sites and that has further caused harm to your relationship generally. You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship but you certainly can save your own self if you choose to.

Is this how you imagine the rest of your life to be?. The person you married 10 years ago was really an act, a mirage not to return.

Bagelsandbrie Mon 04-May-20 12:37:29

Well you sound incompatible. He sounds very introverted and you seem more extroverted. That’s ok but there doesn’t seem to be any closeness in your relationship. Do you think he would say he was happy with the way things are?

I am lucky in that my dh is no contact with his own family for a variety of reasons but if I ended up single again there would be no way I would chat to a partners family via zoom or FaceTime etc. It’s just not my thing at all. I don’t think this is an issue in the scheme of things although others might disagree.

It’s okay for you to want to leave though. You don’t need to find reasons of justify it if that’s what you want. People fall out of love everyday. It’s just trying to work out whether leaving is actually what you want.

Sparkles333 Mon 04-May-20 12:56:27

If you both love each other then theres a chance.
Relationship councelling is your best option.
The porn sites need to go as they wont help and its just a way of growing further apart.
You do need to tell him that you want a companion to share your life with not a housemate.

percykush Mon 04-May-20 13:17:43

His mental health perhaps started a decline, as he became more introverted and I, through work and college study, became more confident. He's always had issues with depression, and admitted during a recent heart-to-heart that he attempted suicide once in the years before I knew him, and considered it once during our ‘courting’ (we met online through shared interests) at a time when it looked like we might not be able to be together (and yes, that scared me, to find out 10 years in). He has no contact with his dad, they are estranged, and his mam died of cancer a year and a half ago. (the illness was a part of the stresses, which we both agree contributed to our relationship breaking down). He’s an only child, and no other family in contact.
We were so compatible before all this, shared interests and sense of humour and matched characters; he got on with my family (my brother sees him as a brother). We always had our own space but also would do things together. We still share interests, and can get excited about the latest film, etc, but it’s much more muted. I guess the family/Zoom thing I just see as another point of his isolation.
Do I want to leave? Sometimes yes. And other times, I remember how he was my best friend, and how lonely I’d be without him to talk to. We might not feel like husband-and-wife, but it doesn’t mean I don’t like him or want to keep in touch. (think Chris Martin’s “conscious uncoupling”) Relationship counselling could be the way forward, IF he wants to do it.

OP’s posts: |
category12 Mon 04-May-20 13:24:40

Is he making any efforts to deal with his depression? If not, I think you need to go down the route that he must seek help or this is going to kill your relationship. He needs to be trying medication and engaging with therapy.

MizMoonshine Mon 04-May-20 13:27:37

Do I want to leave? Sometimes yes. And other times, I remember how he was my best friend, and how lonely I’d be without him to talk to.

You can't have a fulfilling relationship with a memory.
Something has got to give here. Either you need to really get him to focus on getting help and becoming a more full person, someone who can equal you and engage you the way he used to, or you need to leave, stop trying to love a memory and move forward with your life.

Sparkles333 Mon 04-May-20 14:46:53

It looks to me like he needs professional help. If he was once like that theres a chance he could find himself again. Maybe get in touch with his doctor and see what help is available.

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