Friend not telling his girlfriend about me

[MizMoonshine]

AIBU to tell my friend to talk to his girlfriend about me?

Background so not to drip feed.
I (29F) met my (35M) friend when working at a cinema in 2014. He was an Unlimited member so was there all the time and we chatted a lot. He developed a crush on me and after a while worked up the courage to ask me out. We went on a few dates, we had some sexual contact, but never full sex and eventually I decided, for many reasons, that we should be friends.

Shortly after this, his father passed away and I was there for him through this. We grew a very strong friendship and have only been friends since. The kind of friend that my mum asks about if she doesn't see him for a while, gets invited in if I'm not home.

I was, at the time, the only woman he had ever dated or done anything with in that respect. Until a wedding a year or so after meeting me where he met another woman (from a different country) who he also had some sexual contact with.

Just over a year ago, he met and began dating a new woman who he has now entered a full relationship with and is now living with. I am so happy for him, I almost cried when it all came together for him. He was very depressed beforehand and had given up on ever finding love. It was a bloody miracle.

His girlfriend is recently (in terms of their relationship) separated and trying to get divorced. Her marriage was relatively short-lived to a man that has since left the country and is making the divorce difficult. Because of her marriage breakdown she is very insecure.

Apart from myself, my friend has one other very close female friend who his girlfriend really dislikes (purely because she is a female he is close to). At the start of their relationship she expressed her discomfort with that particular friend and he volunteered that he had another close female friend who he actually dated (me). She declared then and there that she would never be okay with her (me) and that he should never tell her who I am.

This was now over a year ago, as I said they have now moved in together and their relationship is progressing. So he and I are still friends, we are still talking and meeting up for cinema/drinks/dinner (not during lockdown of course) with no view to change this. He just doesn't tell her who he's going out with or where when this happens.

Yesterday we were having a video call and he was showing me around his (their) new place, happy and excited but it was cut short when she arrived home.

She's still very vocal about the fact she doesn't like his other friend (who he never dated). He has no intention of telling her about me.

This just doesn't sit right with me. He and I have such a lovely and caring friendship. We have supported each other through a lot.

I feel as though he is risking his relationship by keeping this from her, but protecting ours.

I've now asked him to tell her about me and even offered to double date, that was she can see that I am in no way a threat to their relationship and there's nothing but (platonic) love between us and how happy I am for the both of them.

I accept that she might still be very uncomfortable with me and might request that we stop being friends, which would suck but I would be willing to step back so that their relationship could blossom honestly.

AIBU to have asked him to come clean?

[PinkMonkeyBird]

I don't think you can insist on him coming clean at all, it is purely up to him.

He's clearly been too scared to be firm and say that there is categorically nothing going on and he would very much like her to meet you (and the other friend), because he's obviously worried she will put 2+2 together to make 5!

His lying to her by omission, spending time with you is just not on at all. It just adds fuel to her fire.

In all honesty, I would just step right back and let him get on with it. Just be prepared to be there for him when this relationship goes tits up. I can understand his girlfriend having some issues with regards to trust, but I'd hazard a guess that his girlfriend will never entertain him having female friends and this is going to forever cause issues. Until she gets some counselling herself to deal with her insecurities, you are not going to have the honest and open friendship you have previously had and by going behind her back is just validating her reasons not to trust you both.

Leave him to it and tell him you won't be meeting up behind her back.

[category12]

When she finds out about you, that'll smash his relationship to pieces. You need to tell him you can't see him while he's deceiving her.

[MMmomDD]

I think he is an adult and can decide for himself.
So are you, obviously.

But I don’t think you can tell him what to do about his relationship to her. You can only set your own boundaries. If you feel bad that he is hiding you - then you stop talking to him. As I said - you can only ever control what YOU do.

Her gf’s side isn’t completely crazy. She rightly believes that he sort of settled for her. He had a crush on you and wanted to date you - but you didn’t want him.
Gf got him by default. Most women won’t like it. And wonder if he’d run to you if you decided you actually wanted him.

And on your side - there is also a little controlling thing happening. You like him but don’t want him for a relationships. But it’s nice having his affection and you are used to it. It being not totally healthy for him isn’t your concern, I presume.
It happens, I have had friends like that too.
At some point you need to let them go and not keep them for rainy day.

[Cabinfever10]

She sounds quite controlling really. He shouldn't have to hide his friends from her,.
Are you sure that she is insecure and not jealous?

[Heartburn888]

I’d let the relationship run it’s course. I don’t think it would last much longer if she is slamming his female friends unless he is prepared to let her walk all over him.

I’d be his friend but as the lockdown is in place it is a blessing as he cannot ask you to meet up for the cinema/dinner, so be his friend from afar

[Dontletitbeyou]

You are both adults . I don’t think you can or should tell him what information he gives his current girlfriend .
She’s obviously jealous and is not willing to accept any other females in his life , and he’s not going to risk it all by telling her he’s still in contact with you .
He should tell her , his girlfriend is not alone , many women don’t like their DP to have really close relationships with other women , but at the end of the day that’s not your call .

[MyShinyWhiteTeeth]

.Have you met this woman? How do you know so much about how she thinks about everything?

He seems to be oversharing too many of her details with you.

[ukgift2016]

If I was her I would have told him to cut all contact with you. Maybe she has which he why he has to hide you so much.

That is HIS choice. Nothing to do with you. I am sure eventually she will find out (as women do)

[Ilovetheseventies]

I think you will lose this friendship, in my experience women don't like it. If I found out a guy I was dating was going behind my back with someone he has had history with I'd dump him as it looks wrong.

[RantyAnty]

I have to ask, do you have any other friends besides him?

I think you're too overinvested in his life. He's 35 and probably thinking about settling down.

I would cut this friendship back to the happy birthday happy holidays type of friendship.

He needs to move on with his life and you need to let him.

[mysticmeg1922]

Exactly what the above poster said

[mysticmeg1922]

If he find out she will most definitely leave him and he will be back to square one with his depression and looking for another relationship. You have to take a huge step back . Get some more new friends and leave him too it . If he needs you youl always be there for him and I would just keep it as that . As for the secret dinners ect . This shouldn't be happening at all now

[SandyY2K]

It's his choice, but by hiding you, it makes you seem like the OW.

[littlefawn]

Could you explain to him how uncomfortable you feel about it all? What about the possibility (after lockdown) of meeting in a group with both of them there. It's easy for her to build up resentment to you when she doesn't really know you, she might meet you and she you as less of a threat than she initially thought? Although it would be up to your friend to broach the subject