Husband had an affair with colleague

[Virgo833]

Has Anyone here been betrayed on by their husband or wife ??
My husband betrayed me with a colleague at his work- this women has a reputation getting with married men.
My husband was a little different the week he cheated.. distant irritable etc And when I Confronted him, he made it out like I was being paranoid - and that I should let him breath, I then left it.
The day before my husband cheating, he told me that he has an client meeting after work, now usually my husband has client meetings during work hours not after work. It was a little funny to me.
Next morning Friday ( the day he cheats ) he wakes me up with a good morning kiss and hug then tells me how lucky he is to have me which led me to think he’s back on track and out of the little funk he was in the whole week . When my husband left, 20 mins later I had the worse feeling and felt sick which resulted me not going into work -my husband messaged me asking what time I was going work and how much he misses and loves me etc - the last text I got from my husband was him telling me his client meeting is now pushed to 3.30pm and that his battery is low - I read the message at 3.40 and I messaged him back ‘okay hun’ my message wasn’t delivered.
So around 4ish I sat on the couch and logged into our iPad ( we use mutually) to watch a movie but I notice my husband had emails coming thru, I was contemplating weather to check his mails or not, finally gave in and clicked inbox, I see an hotel confirmation email which has been forwarded the same day to a name called becky - I froze and I just started crying, I called the hotel got an answer but couldn’t be connected to the room it was just ringing, and did ask the hotel to confirm who was staying in the room ( they gave my husbands name) - around 9ish I hear key rattle, and my husband makes his entrance with a happy face and different clothes on , ‘ babyyyy I’m home ‘ I confronted him straight up ‘ how did it go with Becky, you had a good fu*k’ ( he was shocked and turned bright red ) and he denied it but eventually gave in .. I made his life living hell, and Beckys too, I told him I’m divorcing him .. .. I did throw few punches at him because I was blacked out. Which I shouldn’t have but no I don’t regret it.
he became suicidal when I told him I’m done, obviously I didn’t let him kill himself. Eventually i forgave him months later only because he was remorseful, he was apologetic and told me it happened because she was there showing him attention and that he got caught up with the excitement and it didn’t mean anything. I wanted details on what happened which made me livid ..I felt insecure ( my husband Did reassure me that him sleeping with becky wasn’t anything to do with me. And he did say it was his fault.
my husband an I we are still in love with each other, but the problem is I’m still mad at him! Why can’t I frikken let this shitttt go !!!
I get so snappy with him , and I keep thinking that he’s going to mess up again which then leads me to believe that I don’t trust him.. Am I the only one who finds it hard to let go ! Can anyone relate??? I feel insecure some days ( my husband continuously tells me I’m beautiful, but this doesn’t change anything.
Sorry for the long message I’m just really hurt.

[notsodimwit]

No good advice OP but just a handheld until someone who can advise you comes along

[notsodimwit]

Handhold not handheld

[Kindlingwood]

I’ve been there.

We’re still together. He does everything he can to reassure me (apart from the brief affair he is a great husband and father).

I’m working through issues in therapy now. I still question him. I check up. He accepts this and still answers questions I may have.

I cannot let go, but I can survive mostly. I don’t need mumsnet to pile in and criticise my choice to stay with him, which is why o rarely post about it. It’s not their relationship/life.

But yes, I know exactly what you are saying.

[Virgo833]

Thank you for your reply ❤️ I cannot let go too. I’m sorry this has happened to you aswell.
I’m just bitter which I need to stop. Feels like I’m frikken torturing myself.

[Virgo833]

❤️

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

How long ago was this op?

[Bouledeneige]

I dont have an answer for you Virgo - I am very sorry for your pain and hurt. Have you tried counselling to help you put it aside and look forwards? I'm not for one minute suggesting you shouldn't feel hurt and angry but you might find some ways to cope with it.

Has he sufficiently understood and apologised for what he did? That's very very important.

[SandyY2K]

You need to give yourself a mental timeline. Could bec6 months or a year maybe and evaluate how you feel then.

Infidelity can take 2 to 5 years to heal from, if the spouse who cheated is doing the right things.

Some ppl just can't get passed it and never have that trust they once did.

There's nothing wrong if you can't forgive him. You should never hide from him how you feel.

Another helpful resource is //www.survivinginfidelity.com

[Virgo833]

@Bouledeneige hello love x thank you for your message I appreciate it xx and yes he has apologised and very remorseful but I’m finding it difficult to let go sadly. I will go counselling soon-
I’ve literally read books , watched Oprah, Esther Perel, Tony Robbins -dr phill etc These people have temporary helped me but I’m still struggling .. My husband cheated on me one month after we Got married -now we have been married for 2 years so it’s quite hurtful

[Virgo833]

@SandyY2K thank you so much ! You so kind responding and will look at the website - I will have to sit and talk to my husband again - I think the difficult part is that I was cheated on one month into my marriage - now together two years - it’s painful

[Virgo833]

@Kindlingwood I replied to your mesaage but forgot to tag you above X hope you can see the message xx

[lowlandLucky]

I have been in your shoes, he may never cheat agian but you will always remember the hurt he has caused and his cheating will taint everyday you have together, it will take the edge off every happy event.

[Virgo833]

@OnlyFoolsnMothers
It going to be two years. My husband cheated one month into Our marriage and Im still traumatised with it.

[zaphodbeeble]

He's sorry because he got caught. Would it still be going on otherwise ?

[damnthatanxiety]

The thing is, it wasn't just the one time. It was the months leading up to the event, the planning, the booking, the looking forward to, the living a complete lie in the lead up to the event. It wasn't a drunken mistake at a party. It was a drawn out planned event. I don't think I would ever really get over this

[Virgo833]

@lowlandLucky sorry you went thru it too hun - Now I’m getting upset even more because people Here are writing to me who share my pain. It’s upsetting I’m sorry everyone that your going thru the same or if not similar. Love you guys.

[SandyY2K]

One month into marriage is really difficult to get over. That's the honeymoon period when one would expect devotion to each other....no kids (usually), no major issues at this early stage.

If he was seeking affection so early in marriage, what happens when you're faced with challenges like pregnancy, sleepless nights, family illness.

That would be my worry about it.

You said he has been remorseful? What does his remorse look like? Remorse and regret are different.

Did you have a long courtship before marriage?

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

Omg a month after you got married? I’m so sorry OP. Honestly It makes me so sad to hear how much you are feeling insecure and how much you are reading and trying to get past it- all when you did nothing wrong!
I would say take as much time as you want OP, my only advice to you is sometimes love isn’t enough. If you worry and have an eye on his phone it’s not worth it.

[SandyY2K]

It wasn't a drunken mistake at a party. It was a drawn out planned event.

I was thinking this too.

[Bluntness100]

Do you understand why you would stay with someone who would treat you this badly op? Are you financially reliant on him? Do you have kids? Generally when someone treats you like this and you decide to take it, there is a reason taking it is better than the alternative. Often it’s money or it’s kids. Maybe as it was so soon after your marriage it was shame. Did you tell people or keep it a secret as you took it?

[Cantpickausername5]

Are they still working together?

[Virgo833]

@zaphodbeeble trust me hun this question was back of my head.
I tortured my husband with this question and he did say ‘ no’ which I struggled to believe - They were clearly flirting at work before they made the plan to meet at the hotel and he could’ve stopped then and he didn’t. But as soon as I caught him that’s when he stopped. He Probs would’ve continued

[Franticbutterfly]

Hi, my DH had an affair with someone from work which I found out about 18 months ago. I still feel upset about it. I don't mention it often but I think of her most days, and often think of them having sex when we are in the act, which is off putting to say the least.

I don't think I'll every really get over it myself, and I have forgiven him, but I can't forget, even if I wanted to. That said, I do try not to dwell on it as it does bring me down.

The last 6 months DH has been a lot better and has addressed some of the issues which caused his destructive behaviour, this has helped immensely. Our relationship is better now than it's ever been, it's such a shame he tainted things.

I also find I think about it more around the time of my period and improving my pms through supplements has helped to keep me on an even keel. I also went to cbt but talking about it all just put me in a bad mood so I didn't go back, I realise that this will need to be addressed further down the line though.

[inamechange]

I'm so sorry to read your story. Your husband is an absolute shit - to carefully plan, lie and book a hotel in the middle of the day like that, how unbelievably sleazy. And the fact he was being all lovey dovey in the hours beforehand just makes it so much worse somehow. Ugh.

He didn't get drunk at an Xmas party and shag someone else, he planned it. I couldn't forgive that. He's only sorry he was caught and had plenty of time and opportunities to back out beforehand. But he thought it was worth the risk.

[NoMoreDickheads]

the problem is I’m still mad at him! Why can’t I frikken let this shitttt go

Because what he did was horrible OP, especially so soon after he said those vows. There's nothing wrong with you that you're still hurt by it.

Have counselling if you like- you might find EMDR helpful as it helps decrease the impact of traumatic memories.

But how are things otherwise? Anything else on your mind?