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Found out husband has Hidden phone in bedroom to record me..

(249 Posts)
Failing366 Sun 03-May-20 15:20:04

Well the title says it all really, my husband has been hiding a second phone in the bedroom to record me...

Backstory.. we've been together for 17 years, 3 children. We've had our issues over the years, the main one being around 5 years ago I got close to an old friend, only via messages we never met up or saw each other, i won't lie and say there wasn't sexual talk because there was but it was more having someone to talk to who I guess gave me attention. Husband found out by logging into my Facebook/ messenger and it caused a lot of trouble, we talked and decided the marriage was worth saving and apart from one incident a few months after I stopped contact with the other guy every things been fine, that inicident was him hiding his phone under our bed to record me on the phone, we discussed how that was out of order and to be honest it hasn't been mentioned again..

Fast forward five years...

Just before Xmas I'd visited my family and when I came home I noticed all my things had been looked through, like drawers all messy jewelry boxes moved, just really obvious someone had been going through my things, I asked him and he denied doing it, the next day when j went up to bed I saw a reflection in the glass on his drawers, it was his phone, hidden on a shelf at the top of our bed and it was recording, the voice recorder on.. tbh I didn't do anything that night, but over the next few days things were frosty, he eventually texted me to ask what was wrong and I'd told him that I'd found his phone recording and he denied all knowledge, said it must have been a mistake, I made a point of saying how it made me feel so disrespected and that it was out of order recording me and he again said he hadn't, well things slowly got back to normal until I got an notification saying someone had logged into my Facebook and messenger, I was able to log him out, I know it was him as it says the phone and where they are, anyway I logged him out and confronted him, he denied it being him, swore blind he didn't do it..

So over the last few months I've been finding blobs of bluetac stuck to our bed, always on my side, tbh it's had me paranoid, I know he's been recording me but I've not had the proof until last night when I found his phone stuck to the bed with the voice recorder on..

Well I kinda lost it, I'll admit, I took his pillows and his phone downstairs and told him the sofa was his new home.. yet again I asked why he thought he could record me and how upset it makes me that he's been doing it and denying so, he barely said anything, just the usual, firstly he denied it, he did end up admitting it but no reasons..

I asked if it were a sexual thing, I dunno some new kink which is totally unacceptable but it would explain and he said it wasn't.. he won't give any reasons why he's doing it or even acknowledge how upset I am by this..

Am I over reacting? Is it acceptable to record your wife without her knowledge?

I find it so disrespectful and I'm hurt that he's obviously been doing this for months now, I have absolutely nothing to hide, since the situation five years ago I hand on heart haven't spoken to another man, I mean I don't even really have friends as the one friend I did have he used to show up at the coffee shop when we would meet, I feel like Im so seperated from friends and family for him and he still thinks it acceptable to record me.. I don't even feel safe in my own home now, I feel paranoid that he's recording me in other places than the bedroom..
What can I do? What reasons does he have for doing this?

OP’s posts: |
LexMitior Sun 03-May-20 15:24:02

Do you understand that what your husband is doing is a crime?

It may voyeurism or for blackmail but if you do not consent, it is a very serious crime.

ekidmxcl Sun 03-May-20 15:24:35

Before the incident with you texting this other man, what was your husband like? Was he controlling or paranoid? If not, it’s the texting, and he’s never got over it and can’t shake the feeling of you with someone else.

fallfallfall Sun 03-May-20 15:24:55

What can you do? Get your ducks in a row and plan a new way of living that doesn’t include this (idiot, looser, crazy take your pick).
What ever reason is not your doing, he’s gone over the edge.

LexMitior Sun 03-May-20 15:27:42

Your husband has no excuse for this, absolutely none. If you reported him to the police he would be in serious trouble.

Take this phone and get a divorce. It may also affect his access to the children.

I am sure there is more to this.

justanotherneighinparadise Sun 03-May-20 15:27:43

What’s he recording you doing exactly? Speaking to someone on the phone or just everyday noises of shuffling about the place? It’s really odd and indicative that he thinks you are still having an emotional affair I suppose.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit Sun 03-May-20 15:28:43

What can you do?
End it, I can't see how you can envision a future with this man.

GrumpyHoonMain Sun 03-May-20 15:28:47

You can’t go on like this. Seems like the trust vanished when you had your emotional affair and both of you have been dragging a dead relationship ever since.

HappyHammy Sun 03-May-20 15:31:10

what he is doing is really weird. what reasons does he have? is it some sexual thing, how can he just keep the phone on record all the time, does he go into the bedroom when he is expecting you to be in there? it's very weird and totally unacceptable. I wouldn't be using that bedroom to make phonecalls. what were you doing in the bedroom when you found the phone? just asking in case that gives you some clue as to why he was doing it at that particular time

flipflopdreams Sun 03-May-20 15:34:18

What he’s doing is so very wrong!

But I do feel it’s a case of once’s trust is gone, you can’t get it back. Maybe try some therapy? As it sounds like he’s never been able to get past what happened years ago and he could have been doing this for years.

TARSCOUT Sun 03-May-20 15:34:22

Unfortunately it would appear he has never gotten over your indiscretions. Sadly this is what happens.

Lipz Sun 03-May-20 15:35:02

OMG that is one of the most fucked up things I've read. There is not a hope in hell I'd be putting up with this. He is a absolute moron!! I'd be arranging splitting up from him and then I'd clear out the house in case he has other recording devices. You must be on tender hooks in your own home wondering what the hell he is up to.

MadeForThis Sun 03-May-20 15:36:57

The relationship is obviously over.

Failing366 Sun 03-May-20 15:39:24

To answer a few questions..

The pattern seems to be I say that I'm going to bed and he then quickly goes upstairs before I've finished in the bathroom (downstairs bathroom) as I said I've been paranoid for a while now and check the room each evening and it wasn't until last night that I found his hiding place, I mean I have to give him credit, it was a bloody good hiding place.. I only noticed last night as the pillows and mattress didn't seem right, he's been sticking it with bluetac to the wooden part of our bed like between the mattress and wooden frame at the top between our heads, I guess he's retrieving the phone when I'm asleep..

I honestly don't know what he's hoping to hear, I don't phone anyone, even my own mum I only speak to like once a month, the only person I text is a female friend, I am on a few support groups as our daughter has special needs but I don't actually speak to anyone, all he's doing is recording me in bed.. I don't get it..
Like I said I thought it could have been a sexual thing, like trying to hear me on my own but it's been going on for months now..
I just don't know what to think...

OP’s posts: |
Youreadthebabybooks Sun 03-May-20 15:41:39

My husband filmed me in the bathroom covertly
He got a prison sentence for voyeurism
It started in our house and led to much more serious filming outside the house including children
Voyeurism has to be defined by filming you committing a personal act
So changing, showering, have sex etc for their own sexual gratification
It may be that this wasn’t his intention to start and he was spying on you due to lack of trust HOWEVER this is a breach of personal boundaries in a place you should feel safe
AND it could end up being much more intrusive voyeurs usually start “small” but the thrill isn’t enough and it declines into others, children etc. I have read a lot of studies that link voyeurism to eventual rape convictions it’s terrifying.
And having been on the end of it it’s so incredibly damaging almost worse it being done by someone you know love and trust I still look for devices in public loos etc
I would go to the police, they will look at his devices and see what content he has been filming
Please take this seriously it’s a horrendous crime and you can try and stop him now

MarieQueenofScots Sun 03-May-20 15:42:56

Is it acceptable to record your wife without her knowledge?

It is never, ever acceptable for any reason, but then you know that OP.

Failing366 Sun 03-May-20 15:43:02

Also to add, I've never suspected anything previous to just before Xmas, the years after the texting the other guy nothings been out of the ordinary, in fact I'd say we were incredibly happy, things were so good..
I know texting the other guy was wrong, I mean there are reasons that are far too much to go into here and I know ultimately there are no reasons for doing that, I was totally upfront with my husband and very truthful about what I'd done and why, we both fought for the marriage and as k said up until a few months ago everything was fine..

OP’s posts: |
brassbrass Sun 03-May-20 15:44:01

This is over why are you questioning it? You were already unhappy when you allowed attention from another man. It was already over then. All this latest stuff is just dragging you into the gutter. He has done it multiple times now. What more do you need as proof to end it? Grab your self respect and move on with your life.

LexMitior Sun 03-May-20 15:45:58

Look men who film or record their wives without permission are no bloody good. There is no reasonable excuse. Not one.

HappyHammy Sun 03-May-20 15:46:32

Thats fucking weird. He deliberately goes upstairs to switch on the phone record button to listen in to something. Its either sexual or he thinks you will ring someone when you're in bed. I wouldnt tell him your going to bed anymore.

towne2 Sun 03-May-20 15:48:36

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Failing366 Sun 03-May-20 15:52:25

I threw the phone at him last night..

I mean I guess I understand why you'd think I was a troll, I mean it does sound totally made up I get that... But quite sadly this is my life 😔

OP’s posts: |
ScrimpshawTheSecond Sun 03-May-20 15:56:03

Is it acceptable to record your wife without her knowledge?

Absolutely and completely not.

LochJessMonster Sun 03-May-20 15:56:52

He’s recording you because he thinks you are having another affair.
He doesn’t trust you, you don’t trust him.
You are both as bad as each other and need to end the relationship.

ravenmum Sun 03-May-20 15:59:59

Recording you to see if you're having an affair then, if you've done it before.
People are often given advice here on how to snoop...

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