imbalance in family finances

[noodlemcnoodle]

I am really struggling to work out a fair way that my H and I can divide family spending. We live in my flat that I own outright. We have a daughter who is 2 years old. I went back to work in December working 2 days a week. My husbandworks in telly. I wish we couldhave a clear way to equally contribute but he has set himself up as a company and pays himselfa really small salary each month but is then able to expenselots of purchases and withdraw some money for the company each month. He feels that his salary is how much he earns while I feel how muchthe company takes in is his gross salary.We are at logger headsabout how to work things out. I don't earn a lot and while I was on Matt leave I felt really skint. He did pay for all the bills once I was not getting any Matt pay and he paid for all food and flights. He works abroad a lot so we went with him when I was on leave. I had an allowance of £250 a month which really was not enough and always felt skint. He knows I really resented him being able to shop how he liked and he loves shopping!! He has now started to hide clothes he has bought for himself.I swore I would make sure to keep enough of my new salary so that I didn't feel skint anymore. I pay half of it into the family account to pay for bills, nursery and food and then get to keep the other half for me. I pay £400 into account while he pays £936.I borrowed £5,000 from his company before we had our daughter to redo the kitchen, when I went on Matt leave I reduced the repayments to £20 a month. He reminded me that I need to up my repayments as I am now working. I agree I do but I can't help but feel angry. If I increase the amount I will be again back to having very little money for myself. I worked out roughly last year that he earned around £63,000 and that was a conservative calculation but he says itsonly £12,000 as thats how much he pays himself. I would like him to increase the salary he pays himself and then we pool our salaries and have an equal amount to spend each but he won't do that. He tells me I need to save money, I need to pay towards house refurbishments but if I do I am again left with hardly anything. He works away a lot and usually for months at a time so I do a lot of solo parenting. Since having our daughter I have never worked so hard or felt so broke, while his earnings remain the same. I do know that compared to a lot of others I am very lucky. But I am really resenting the imbalance in the family finances. Please if anyone is in a simulairesituation trying to find a fair system when it involves someone registered as a comapany, I would greatly appreciate it!!

[TripleTroubleTime]

OP, you refer to your DP as "H" but say YOU own your flat outright.
How does that work?

Whats happened here to family money?
He sounds like he is protecting his own finances and not caring about yours or family money.

Not much of a H is he.

[Africa2go]

I agree with the previous poster. He obviously doesn't see it as "family" finances.

You need a full and frank discussion including all assets - the flat, the company, income, and how collectively you're going to pay the outgoings. But unless there's a backstory, any partner who was content to leave me skint or struggling financially whilst he was working away and was looking after our children, isnt someone I'd want to be with. That needs to change.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

YANBU

• You should add to his £12k salary plus any money he takes as dividends from his company for family finance calculations. You don’t want him to increase his £12k salary because he’s doing that to minimise being taxed twice. This plus your take home pay is family money.
  

(Cant count his total company’s income as his income because from that he has to pay costs, calculate profit and then pay corporate taxes.)

• Since you own the flat in your name only, you should not expect him to contribute towards major renovations of the flat. The £5k kitchen redo is all yours to pay. If you want him to contribute to the flat, then you need to add him as a tenant in common with a % ownership interest. That said, no matter what, he should still be paying his fair share towards the mortgage, utilities, and maintenance. Whether you want to share ownership is up to you. If you have a lot of equity, then don’t feel you have to add him as part owner.
  

The important thing in family finances is transparency. You both need to share what your income is and your outgoings, especially debts. Normally if partners don’t earn equally, they add their incomes and then calculate their %. So say one earns £40k and another £60k, the sum is £100k, and they have a 40/60 split on all bills that they then transfer to a joint account that pays the bills.

[wonderrotunda]

May I just suggest that you do not put your flat into his name jointly with you and that you write a Will ring fencing the flat for your DD (so if anything happens to you he can live in it but it’s held in trust for her)

[timeisnotaline]

hmm. I wouldn’t stay in a relationship like this. How does he justify being able to spend more than you? For now I’d say this relationship isnt working for you, and until you balance things more evenly he can pay you overnight nanny rates from his company whenever he is away, and evening nanny rates if he works late. He’s not parenting, someone has to, there is a cost and currently you’re wearing it all. Then you can happily pay him half the extra nanny payments for your kitchen.
If he doesn’t like that, explain that you’d love to pay back your kitchen, but you have a selfish partner who’s a bit of a crap dad and prioritised work over family, leaving you disadvantaged in the work and pay sphere. I’d add sympathetically I know what you’re thinking- I should stop being a mug and find a partner that cares, but this one is my daughters dad and I’d really like to think we can make it work. And when his boss starts paying for the childcare he doesn’t do as he’s not at work, I’ll be able to pay for the kitchen and he’ll be happier. It’s a short term fix as he still expects me to cover for all his work travel etc so domestically I’m expected to compensate for him but income wise he doesn’t feel that goes both ways, but we will see where it takes us. Anyway I’ll let you know as soon as I’m getting the extra money!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"My husbandworks in telly. I wish we couldhave a clear way to equally contribute but he has set himself up as a company and pays himselfa really small salary each month but is then able to expenselots of purchases and withdraw some money for the company each month".

I thought the HMRC were actively looking at people setting up companies in their own name like described. I am wondering how much money he is hiding from you and to me he comes across as being financially abusive. Giving you an allowance like he has done too is demeaning to you as a person, he does not see you as an equal at all in this relationship.

If he also works away a lot what is the very point of him?. Why are you and he together at all now?. What are you getting out of this relationship?.

[billy1966]

OP, you are being taken massively advantage of.

Protect yourself.

[notapizzaeater]

Are you married ?

[noodlemcnoodle]

yes, we are married. He has a flat in Nottingham that he rents to friends , the rent has been used her to help with referbs. I like to think that this is our home.. I do want to have more control over the rent money and think it should be in the joint account and we both decide what is done with it. He thinks I am not good with money so I think he thinks by being in control then I can't overspend. I don't actually over spend. I have no debt but I did tell him I really struggle to look at my bank balance and that freaked him out!!
I don't usually mind him working away, we have spoken about the long trips away and that they need to stop and he agrees.
I really hate that he has set himself up as a limited company. I pay my fairshare of taxes so I wish he would too. I got the allowance when my Matt pay stopped and he asked me how much and I said £250. Should has asked for more in hindsight! When I said I was skint we has always said I just need to ask and he would buy it for me but I hated to ask felt so demeaning.

[Techway]

Can you pool finances and then jointly work out a budget and agree personal spending amounts each. This seems like the fairest way.

Are you properties of similar value? If he is benefiting from the rental income to pay off his mortgage then you are helping to build equity for him whereas if you have no mortgage he has benefited from that position.
Do you see his company accounts?

What about pensions? This should be a priority and allowances in your budget made for each of you.

[FlowerArranger]

This all seems very messy, with no real thought having been given to an equitable division of finances. He seems extremely selfish, not to say exploitative. Personally I would not want to be dependent on someone who has so little care and consideration towards the mother of his child, the person who is supposed to be his life-partner.

How about seeing a mediator and find out how your assets and liabilities would be divided if you were to divorce him?

Whether you go ahead or not, the assessment could serve as a starting point for discussing how you handle your joint finances.

[noodlemcnoodle]

My flat is worth twice his, but to be honest no one knows in this current situation! I want us to pool income and then have equal spending but as he can expense a lot of his spending its hard to work out. I don't feel dependent on him but if I do give more money I'll have nothing for myself and I am not prepared to do that. He has spent quite a bit on the flat I own and I think in his mind I have not contributed but for the past two years I have had no income.

[LannieDuck]

Not sure I've followed it all, but are you being expected to bear 50% of the bills? As well as 100% of the childcare costs (including working PT and presumably flexing your hours around nursery)? How is that fair?

If he wants you to pay half the bills, he should be bearing half the cost of DD - whether that's through nursery bills (maybe he already does this?) or a nanny, or changing his work schedule to pick up some of the childcare himself (as you've done).

[Quartz2208]

He is using the company as an excuse to be a financially abusive arse

He made you borrow money to do up your flat? And resents you staying at home looking after his child

[JKScot4]

If he earns £63k but takes £12k where is the rest of the money? Expensing things means he’s not actually paying for them as he’s making them tax deductible.
He’s out shopping and you’re skint, why would you be with someone like this?

[viewfromthecouch]

He's being an arse.

He's your H. You are the mother of his child. And he's financially abusing you.

[WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo]

Is he paying you rent to live in your flat? I bet not. He sounds absolutely awful, he spends all his money on flash clothing for himself while you have to scrimp to pay for yourself and your child. That’s not a good partner or father. ld be very carefully collecting information on his business & how much he really earns & spends as you can guarantee if you split his income will suddenly become zero and no child support will be forthcoming. Honestly thou, that’s not a marriage or love and everyone deserves to be treated better than that.

[noodlemcnoodle]

I usually pay £400 while he pays £930 a month for food, nursery fees and bills. So he does pay more then me, I am left with £400 for myself a month. If I start to increase the payments for the loan I'll be left with very little after my other personal bills. He does pay for lots more stuff around the house but now wants me to contribute more but if I do I am again left with very little. I just want to find away to help him understand that I can't pay anymore. I want him to value that I when he is away I do all the parenting and even while at home I do most.

[Haffiana]

His income is what he pays income tax on. That will be salary plus dividends - what he 'withdraws each month' as you put it. No-one in the whole wide world would only count his salary, not HMGov, not his accountant and not the DWP. Since he will be filing his self assessment each year, the figure will be on there.

The repayment for your family kitchen that you 'borrowed' from him (which is utterly ridiculous btw), if he insists on it, can be offset against his rent owed to you for living in your flat.

This is verging on financial abuse. Any man who puts money before his family in this way is not worth it. He must actually hate you, deep down. He is happy to frankly lie to you about his income, and to actually leave you short. Please speak to a solicitor. It may be that if you divorce you would be be better off financially.

[Haffiana]

I want him to value that I when he is away I do all the parenting and even while at home I do most.

I am sorry. He doesn't value you at all. I think you know that. You will never convince him, and most especially you will never convince him by trying to show him how frugal and good with money you are. Which is what you have been doing, yes?

The only thing he will respect is you kicking him in the place that hurts the most - his wallet. Speak to a solicitor.

[Soontobe60]

So he has a flat that he's getting income from. You have a flat that you both live in and you don't get an income from. He earns lots of money but doesn't declare it, but where's the undeclared income going?
You work 2 days he works full time, a lot of that time he's working away.
You have a couple of choices.
Each of you put the other person in the property you own, so you both own both properties. The rent goes into a joint account to pay the bills on the property you live in. The childcare is split between you both. The rest of your incomes, plus the money he's hiding from his company, becomes shared money.
That's what marriage is all about!
Or, keep everything separate, and charge him rent for living in your property. Split the living costs equally.
That's what cohabiting couples or flat mates do.