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Wider Family Fallout from Affair

(80 Posts)
Nattyjackie Sun 03-May-20 10:21:32

My brother had an affair with OW for over a year. Has now left SIL and kids and has moved in with OW. I feel he had treated SIL appalingly.

I believe he has behaved really badly and told him so. I've also told him I will never have anything to do with OW as she was very much culpable in enabling his behaviour.

Our relationship is hanging by a thread tbh and I've made it clear she is not welcome at our house. Ever.

He is starting to ignore my boundaries and is trying to insert her into our lives, he has tried to bring her over to 'pop round'. I've put a stop to it as we are on lockdown for one (I've got kids)! I think they are being really selfish right now travelling round as they please. But also because she is simply not welcome.

I am so angry right now and need to vent.

OP’s posts: |
Hopoindown31 Sun 03-May-20 10:25:11

Looks like you might need a period of very low or no contact so he gets the message. It is clear that the same lack of self-control and respect of boundaries that enables him to cheat is also making him think that disrespecting your boundaries and the requirements of a pandemic lockdown just do you can meet the OW is okay.

It is really hard to realise that a close member of your family is a loser.

Poppyfr33 Sun 03-May-20 10:29:17

Totally understand your stance, but don’t let it eat you up. Perhaps a period of low/no contact might help you.

sammylady37 Sun 03-May-20 10:33:09

Your anger should be primarily directed at him, not her. If you’re going to ya e no contact with her then that should apply to him too. He’s the one who made promises to your SIL and then broke them. Don’t blame a woman for his poor behaviour, he’s an adult and made his choice.

Nattyjackie Sun 03-May-20 10:33:39

I agree low contact is the way to go and I've been putting that into place but he keeps trying to pop back up and push boundaries. Seems his ego can't accept it, keeps wailing 'surely I deserve to be happy' to which I think 'sure at the expense of everyone else in your mind'. He's treated his wife and kids appalingly why would the rest of us be any different I suppose

OP’s posts: |
sammylady37 Sun 03-May-20 10:33:49

*have no contact

Nattyjackie Sun 03-May-20 10:37:01

I knew someone would pop up to defend OW. Fuck that. She knew what she was doing when she was chasing him. She knew he was a married man. She was married too. She was trying to ingratiate herself with the kids under their mother's nose. There is so much she has done that I'm not going to list on here but she is not someone I choose to have in my life.

He is primarily to blame but she is no innocent in this.

OP’s posts: |
maudspellbody Sun 03-May-20 10:46:25

Hi Nattie Jackie

You sound like such a good person. Your SIL is lucky to have you. I think, often, cheater's families side with them and it doubles the pain for the cheated-on wife to know that the family she married into don't have her back.

He sounds incredibly thick-skinned to try this when he knows how you feel. Stay strong.

Mistystar99 Sun 03-May-20 10:48:41

Keep resisting contact with your arsehole bro. He will get the message eventually.

MyOwnSummer Sun 03-May-20 10:49:38

Stay strong OP. These men often never change or see consequences for their behaviour because often their family will enable, excuse and justify their bullshit.

Sorry your brother is a wanker. And I agree with you, she is also a nasty piece of shit and why would you want that in your life?

SunShine682 Sun 03-May-20 10:56:02

He’s your brother though so your willing to go no contact with him?

If my brother did that to my SIL, I’d tell him what I thought but I wouldn’t cut him out and eventually if they stay together then you have to accept the OW or you will have no relationship with your brother. If your willing to go no contact with your brother then stay as you are but it’s likely the OW isn’t going anywhere.

To me blood is thicker then water and il stick by my brother long term if he ever did anything such as cheating.

Emerald4512 Sun 03-May-20 11:00:07

No I think you're doing the right thing because not acting like this is suggesting that you are almost agreeing with what he's done. She is equally to blame and they're both obviously in their own selfish world to understand what they have done is utterly disgusting. That being said, I wouldn't cut him out of your life forever, but for now he needs to get the message and to respect what you're saying (if he has any respect for anyone else other than himself haha!)

LanternLighter Sun 03-May-20 11:02:13

Wish my in-laws had acted like you! They basically shunned me which made me feel so much worse.
I get the whole “blood is thicker than water” but your SIL is the one who has been wronged and deserves support.
It will be hard for you but I really think you are doing a morally good thing smile

sammylady37 Sun 03-May-20 11:07:15

“She knew he was married”..... I presume he also knew he was married (and that she was) when he chose to fuck her.

I’m not defending her and saying she is blameless, I’m saying that your reasons for blaming her actually apply equally to him and if they warrant (in your eyes) never having anything to do with her then they should warrant the same with him. Unless of course, you think he was a poor easily led vulnerable man tempted by a scarlet woman, a man who just couldn’t help but cheat. You need to attribute blame/responsibility to him too.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously Sun 03-May-20 11:14:30

It's very hard for the OP to cut her own brother out of her life, not least because of the potential impact on her parents. But she doesn't have to accept another arsehole into her life in the form of the OW!
Sil might accept the OP not cutting off contact completely with her brother but if OP ever accepted the OW that would kill any relationship with sil. In the OP's position, I'd rather be loyal to sil. And keep long term contact with the children. I'd not risk all that to make brother feel better

MMmomDD Sun 03-May-20 11:14:47

In the end of the day - if they stay together and she becomes his long term partner, you will have to decide what sort of family relationship you will have.
Your SIL will hopefully, eventually move on and as kids grow up you and her will slowly lose your relationship. And she might want to move on and develop new ties with her new partner’s family.

You reaction, while extreme and understandable at this time, will become less so as the times progresses. Families are families for a reason. We are not meant to approve of all of what our family members do - but it doesn’t mean we cut them out of our lives.

WickedlyPetite Sun 03-May-20 11:19:45

We had this exact same situation with BIL.

3 weeks after leaving his wife and setting up home with OW, he asked if we would go out for a drink with them. I said no, and told him in no uncertain terms that I wasn't interested yet, it was too soon, I was too busy supporting his wife. I told DH he could go and meet her if he wanted but leave me out of it. He agreed it was just too soon.

BIL turned up on our doorstep with her a couple of days after that. I was furious. And I told her straight, I've explained to BIL that I don't want to meet you and I don't want you here. It's too soon and all of my energy is going into supporting my SIL. So please don't turn up here unannounced and try and foist you're relationship on us again.

It's like he was determined to force their relationship onto his family, maybe in order to partly justify/confirm that all the distress they'd caused was 'worth it' because it wasn't just some fling, it was a "proper relationship... she's met my family and everything" hmm

She cheated on him with someone else shortly after, and then went back to her original partner, so I never did have to properly meet her. And I was last in the queue handing out tea and sympathy when he was snivelling and whining about it.

Itwasntme1 Sun 03-May-20 11:22:21

This is a really tough one. Your brother in law has demonstrated he has very low morals. He betrayed his wife and his children and now wants everyone to be okay with his choices, you are understandably now.

I assume the other woman knew he was married and went along with this affair. She is not as guilty as him, but also not someone I would welcome with open arms.

You dislike him at he moment, and you dislike her. Totally understandable.

Think through how this will work in the long run. She will no doubt be spending time with the children. If their relationship lasts she will be at birthday parties etc.

Would it make you feel better to have a period where you tell them you are so angry at your brother for his appalling choices you can’t see him. Then phase them back in. Tell her you are Mainly angry at your bother, and are also struggling to also overlook her role in all this. You are angry theta your sister in law and the children were so badly hurt by their actions.

Nev85 Sun 03-May-20 11:37:41

@Nattyjackie I wish I had a SIL like you. My partner of 15 years cheated on me in the most horrific way and his family cut me out completely. It is like an added betrayal that makes everything so much harder. Well done you for sticking up for your SIL.

Helena79 Sun 03-May-20 11:45:47

Well done for supporting your SIL, OP. MIL was treated appallingly when FIL had a wild affair with OW when DH was still a toddler. FIL left MIL and is 40 years down the line with the OW. Apparently it’s a true love affair. I can’t stand either FIL or step-MIL for their behaviour.

Nattyjackie Sun 03-May-20 12:00:49

Thanks for your comments

I'm not making the decision on the relationship that is for him to decide. I've made it clear she is not welcome in my home at all. He can either chose to have a relationship with me away from her or not. If he choses not to then that's up to him. If there is no respecting my boundaries then there is no relationship, blood or not. You don't just have to put up with shitty behaviour because they are family. I'm not going to be gaslighted and pushed around by any arsehole even if he is my brother.

sammylady37 of course he made the choice. I have a pre exisitng family relationship with my brother that I need to sort out. I have no relationship with her. I have no obligation to treat her fairly, not judge her or to start any relationship with her. I treat her the same as anyone else who has shown themselves to be toxic which is to have nothing whatsoever to do with her.

There is no danger of birthday parties as the kids are teenagers. Once the kids get the full picture I doubt they will want to know and he can't stop it all coming out.

OP’s posts: |
Dontletitbeyou Sun 03-May-20 12:24:47

You sound fab . Too many people will accept total BS , just because it’s a family member , despite the fact their actions that caused heartache for innocent people .
I think you’re doing the right thing and if I was in your position I’d tell him , as you have, she’s not setting foot in my house .
Sorry your brother is behaving like a selfish twat , and trying to force the issue by ‘popping round ‘, that would definitely make me dig my heels in even more . The fact that she doesn’t respect any boundaries and feels entitled to do as she wants would wind me right up

SunShine682 Sun 03-May-20 12:33:55

Well you are making the decision regarding your relationship with him as you are the one putting conditions on the relationship and he is not... so you are effectively making him pick you or her.

roarfeckingroar Sun 03-May-20 12:37:21

YANBU at all

ukgift2016 Sun 03-May-20 12:38:59

Low contact. If this was my brother, I would not want to play 'happy families' either.

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