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He never stops talking !

(32 Posts)
quaylock Sat 02-May-20 09:44:45

Possibly light, but my first outing as a single woman after being married to a virtually silent man for twenty years , and the first man I meet doesn't stop talking save to take a breath. The one thing I really looked forward to in my future was a man who was chatty and interesting and engaging. This man is all of these things but boy, can he talk? It's phone only at the moment , for hours at a time .
I find it a little tiring but do really like him. Any advice or experiences please?

OP’s posts: |
AvocadosAteMyHamster Sat 02-May-20 09:47:44

I guess it depends on whether he gives you time to talk and listens to what you say, or is too busy always talking. You may have gone too far the other way.

AvocadosAteMyHamster Sat 02-May-20 09:48:15

But with essentially the same personality trait of not showing an interest in you.

TitianaTitsling Sat 02-May-20 09:50:41

Like above, it's he talking with you, or AT you?

Keitepeheakoe Sat 02-May-20 09:51:32

Depends if it’s a conversation or a monologue

quaylock Sat 02-May-20 09:55:30

Sorry I don't understand the second post, thanks.
He does listen and says all the right things but once I'm done, he's off again! Could it be a nervousness. It's been online only ?
He refers to comments I've made and things We have discussed. He 'talks' all day for a living so perhaps it's just who he is? Should I say something? I did actually say last night .. omg
I've never met anyone who is so chatty , hard to get a word in with you at times haha...
I hope he picks up on it.

OP’s posts: |
GilbertMarkham Sat 02-May-20 09:56:45

Sounds like you've encountered an extreme (too extreme) version of a quality you're looking for.

There will people who'll be more moderate versions- you don't have to accept anything/continue with anyone. You have the right to decide "not for me, too much" and continue looking.

If you were having two way, fun, engaging, interesting, mutual conversations .. you wouldn't be aware of the length and you wouldn't be posting on here (because you wouldn't see it as an issue). You'd just be thinking "we can talk for hours and it doesn't feel like it, it flies by, lose all track of time". It doesn't sounds like that from your post.

People who talk too much often lack self awareness, are self absorbed and can't moderate their behaviour. It is a type of selfishness.

Coffeecak3 Sat 02-May-20 09:56:49

I talk a lot. But I can pick up cues and mostly know when to shut up.
My dh is slightly deaf and doesn't shut up.
I actually give workmen permission to escape whilst dh is in mid sentence.

Unfortunately I don't think this man will change and you have to decide if you can cope with the constant chat .
Is what he says relevant, interesting and does he listen too?

bluedelphinium Sat 02-May-20 09:57:37

yep , agreed with avocados.

If he actually barely stops then these are hours- long almost monologues, not engaging and engaged conversations. It might feel for a short period that there is more communication going on but it is no different than an extremely quiet man who won't converse at all. Neither have any interest in your views or what you have to say. This can be soul destroying. I would actually end up resenting the talker a lot more, actually, as he is taking up so much of your time.

you could try and push back to see if the conversation becomes more balanced but I have met plenty of people who will just carry on not listening regardless.

unless he is very receptive to this, I would throw this one back too and keep looking for someone who is actually keen to share good conversations with you and hear what you say.

quaylock Sat 02-May-20 09:58:31

@Keitepeheakoe sometimes it's both. Monologue about topics that he feels strongly about and conversation about everything else.
We have only been chatting on line for a matter of days but it's everyday , for a long time.

OP’s posts: |
Futurenostalgia Sat 02-May-20 10:00:31

I’d cut it short and not invest too much. You could be talking to him for weeks before you can actually meet which would be a waste of time if you don’t like him on sight.

Chatty is ok but boring is a bad sign.

GilbertMarkham Sat 02-May-20 10:00:55

He refers to comments I've made and things We have discussed.

That sounds better, but if you can't get a word in edgeways .. that kind of negates it.

I suppose someone who doesn't listen and talks incessantly is worse than someone who at least listens/takes things in .. but if it's still not a real two way conversation and there's no balanced back and forward, that's definitely not everyone's cup of tea.

It could be nervousness, or it may not be .. the more contact you have, the more you'll know because you'd imagine any nervousness would lessen.

GilbertMarkham Sat 02-May-20 10:03:09

We have only been chatting on line for a matter of days but it's everyday , for a long time.

That's too much.

Are you trying to cut it short/put a limit on it?
Why is he not considering that you have things to do?

bluedelphinium Sat 02-May-20 10:03:15

bit of crossover there, sorry, but from what you say my point remains even if he isnt an extreme monologuer. sounds like he 'lets' you speak, acknowledges minimally and carries on. this doesn't sound like the fulfilling conversation you're looking for and deserve, OP. and believe me, your hint won't make a blind bit of difference!

quaylock Sat 02-May-20 10:03:23

He is not at all boring . In fact her is so interesting and I really enjoy listening to him but at times it's draining as he talks a mile a minute .Also we have our phone conversations very late at night as we have kids so maybe I am tired too.

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quaylock Sat 02-May-20 10:05:21

@GilbertMarkham I enjoy it . I look forward to our nightly call . Maybe we should just cut back a bit on talking for hours .

OP’s posts: |
EstuaryBird Sat 02-May-20 10:14:45

I’d put a time limit on the phone conversations, tell him that you’re tired at night but would love to chat for just half an hour (or whatever).

I have a friend who is a great conversationalist in person but is a nightmare on the phone because she doesn’t pick up on non-visual prompts. She just doesn’t get the signals that it’s time to end the call and thinks she’s being rude if she finishes the call first.

If you like him at least give him one chance to prove himself in an actual face to face meeting, you’ll soon know if he’s a self-centred bore or a decent man.

quaylock Sat 02-May-20 10:18:48

Thanks once more. He will often apologise profusely for tying up a call when there is no need to do that. Maybe he is a little nervous as-well as a talker.

OP’s posts: |
Keitepeheakoe Sat 02-May-20 10:30:40

Wow that’s a lot of talking! Maybe limit it to half an hour?

quaylock Sat 02-May-20 10:31:37

I think you're right! Maybe we got too carried away once we started conversing

OP’s posts: |
Gemma2019 Sat 02-May-20 10:36:41

Is he off work at the moment or on reduced hours? You might find that he chats much less when he is back at work and talking all day.

My DH talks all day at work but is working from home now so wants to chat to me much more than usual. It's as if he has a certain amount of words he has to get through each day! It can be really exhausting.

quaylock Sat 02-May-20 10:39:48

Yes@Gemma2019 that sound right. He is a Lawyer and spends majority of days in court talking but now that he is only doing the bare minimum, I think he needs to get his words out!!
I'm Going to cut back or elseI will get the ick.

OP’s posts: |
pinkyredrose Sat 02-May-20 12:49:11

Sounds boring!

Kabakofte Sat 02-May-20 12:58:13

I have this, sometimes I say to the kids 'quick he's paused for breath, run, run like the wind'. so they can escape, as for me I sometimes just say I'm bored now, I'm not listening any more because it can be sooooo one sided, it's almost as though when someone else is talking he's itching to then be able to stay off on his thoughts. He works from home which exacerbates things, as soon as I come through the door he's off again. Looking back it was always there and initially it can be interesting because there's lots of new stuff to listen to, years down the line it can be a monologue on absolutely f**k all. Be warned, be very warned smile

whywhywhydelia Sat 02-May-20 13:04:44

I agree with a previous poster that it can be a sign of self-absorption. Does he ask about you and your day and then actually listen to you? If you were having a problem do you think he'd be able to listen while you vented and not go off on a monologue about what you should do?

I had a BF who talked a lot and it was great to sit and listen to him chat all night because I'm an introvert. But there were times when actually I did want to say something but I didn't feel listened to, or even that he had any real interest in what I had to say, and that ended things for us.

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