Depression in a relationship

[inapickle1989]

Hi this is going to be very brief as I'm on my way to work but will write more when I get there . Just wondering how people deal with a partner who has depression ? My partner of 10 years has it . It's only been the last few months that I have realised that's what it is and not him just being a horrid grumpy unsociable sod half the time . He's been so sad lately that it's making me sad . Iv tried and am trying my best to help him but he just gets angry the more I try and then when I don't try he just sits there in silence for days on end looking like he's going to burst out crying but also doesn't want anything to do with me ? He will not see a docter at all . Thankyou

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

why won't he see a doctor? How did he get a depression diagnosis without seeing a doctor?

[inapickle1989]

He went to see a Doctor about 6 years ago . Don't know what was said he wouldn't tell me anything just said bipolar and was put on tablets and that was that was supposed to of for a few more meetings but never went . X

[inapickle1989]

It's odd because when he's really down he will say he's depressed but in all the years I have been with him he's only ever said it 3 times . I used to put his moods down to me pissing him off , him going off me I always blamed my self . Because I think he made me think it and in a way wanted me to think it was me I would be there bawling my eyes out saying I'm sorry for something I didn't do . Just to make him happy and snap out of it . Then he would have about a week of being ok and then back horrible . He also drinks a bit too much . And doesn't know when to stop . He then gets pretty aggressive and has been physically violent . Not that bad tho . Last night for example. I can tell when he's hyper . Just by his texts when he's at work . He will seem really happy and put stupid things like ok butt ! And texts more than usual . He then comes in really over the top and just because I'm acting normal he will then accuse of me being in a mood . He will ask this about 5 times which then pisses me off . Obviously I won't have it out with him because of how moody he gets . Then he drinks . He drank nearly a whole bottle of wine last night then finished off my bottle of bud . I don't want any drink in the house but when I say can he just drink on the weekends he goes mad and says I'm being controlling. I hate everything about him when he's drunk . He's the most annoying. Over the top person going . He fidgets a lot doesn't stop talking and makes plans for the coming year which never happens . His face changes and even his eyes and I think it just makes me think of all the bad times when he used to be drunk . I get really anxious and in a way can't be assed to even talk to him at this point because with out drink he's practically a mute who just plays on his laptop . I'm so worn down by it all but I ended it the other week and I missed him so much . He came back and was so sad that I had ended it I could tell how happy he was to come home . So the thought of ending it again and having to deal with all that until I get over him is putting me off . I just want a normal relationship where moods are stable . I'm dreading him coming home today because again I can tell by his texts he's hyper again . And that means he'll be hitting the booze

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

Well he's been diagnosed as being bipolar but isn't taking his medication.

I'm not sure that you can fix this to be honest - it's medical help he needs and he's refusing to get it.

I guess you have to ask yourself whether this way of living is for you?

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

Sorry just saw your other, longer post.

Yeah, dump.

[CuriousMary]

He has to help himself, nothing you can do or say or change will make him make those positive steps.
Doesn't sound like he wants to seek help.
It's not a life I would want to live.
Do you have children?

[inapickle1989]

Thankyou both for relying . I have a daughter who's 15 from my previous relationship. He wants a baby desperately but I don't want to really unless he sorts himself out . I have said time and time again that we would make shit parents because of everything that is going on when he's the way he is I don't want our child growing up scared and anxious and thinking they have done something that has upset him then there's me . When he's nasty it makes me anxious and I wouldn't make a good mother because of that . My life is such a mess when all I want is a happy peaceful one . He no longer speaks to his mother or family . Big issue two years ago . And she always told me that she wouldn't really be bothered if they fell out because at least she wouldn't have to deal with his moods all the time . I have not told him this tho x

[Anothernick]

Hmm, so he's bipolar, won't seek treatment, drinks excessively and has been violent toward you. You're right, he'd make a shit dad and he is already a shit partner. People on here are too ready to respond to any failing by a man by telling the woman to LTB but in this case I think you have no other option.

[Nsky]

You know the answer, by giving up drink, he’ll miss his highs meds won’t work.
As someone bi polar and chemical / hormone depression life can be very tough, I self manage, I do miss the up phases now ( I had mild cyclothemia) and the energy it gave me, and one bad week s year.
Now I have post menopasal depression, I have never felt so rough, ached and cried so much, meds sorted it.
He prob has the depression but, and is prob afraid of meds , sometimes they psy off seems a crap deal .
Life us better with help, prob scared tho

[PlanDeRaccordement]

See if he will go back to the doctor for his bipolar. He will need to cut drinking as most medications don’t mix with alcohol.
It’s been 6yrs and they have new medications out that he could try. (In case he says he’s tried everything already).
I think too the NHS offers free marital counselling to anyone whose relationship is affected by a mental illness. Ask about that because his bipolar mood swings are causing you anxiety and him to act scarily.