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Advice needed

(9 Posts)
JJLondon Fri 01-May-20 14:29:26

Hi, I'm sorry I came here, I don't have kids, but I always read how supportive mumsnet can be. I'm really struggling and confused at the moment.

I have been with my SO for 5 years now, at the beginning everything was great. We were in a long distance relationship for the first year, but then I moved halfway across the country to be with him. It was then that things went downhill. My main complaint is that we rarely sleep together, possibly twice a year for the last 3 years. I try to bring up the conversation but he gets instantly defensive. He says it's not me, that he's getting his head together. I've put on weight since moving down, only a stone, but with him not wanting sex my self esteem is really low. In the last month I've lost half a stone, so am working towards getting back on track. He told me once that he wants to keep me overweight so no other man will want me, though he said it was a joke. I'm not sure what to do, he says he loves me, wants a family, which he knows is what I've always wanted but it feels like he's dangling a carrot in front of me and it will never happen. Everytime we talk about the issue we argue, he says he's 'getting there' and we'll be fine, but I'm starting to think that he will never change and I'm wasting my time. I suggest going to the doctors to have his testosterone checked, or relationship councelling but he refuses. It's not just sex, we don't cuddle in bed (he comes to bed hours after me and wakes up before me), we don't watch movies curled up, he doesn't hold my hand, he won't do more than peck me on the lips. I feel utterly worthless.
Last week I wrote him a letter, as I struggle to get out what I want to say when I get emotional. I said the relationship is not enough for me, that I need more, that I want to feel like a woman again. He gave me a hug and said things will get better because he doesn't want to lose me. He's been more attentive, but nothing intimate. I know that in long term relationships you don't have as much sex as you did at the beginning, but is 2 times a year normal? I'm 33.
I have no idea what to do, any and all advice would be hugely appreciated. I feel like I'm at a crossroads, and I'm scared of making the wrong decision.

OP’s posts: |
Timeslikethese2020 Fri 01-May-20 14:33:36

No two times a year is not normal.

How are you going to have a family if you don’t have regular sex?

I can’t see how he is going to change. You are wasting your life.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Fri 01-May-20 14:47:59

He told me once that he wants to keep me overweight so no other man will want me, though he said it was a joke

So he doesn't want you, but he doesn't want any other man to have you either? Beyond effed-up.

And beyond lack of sex, there is no intimacy whatsoever. It sounds as though he is avoiding any contact with you.

I try to bring up the conversation but he gets instantly defensive

This is called stonewalling I believe.

he's getting his head together

For 3 years? You have the patience of a saint. Or you've dug your head so far into the sand that you can see you're wasting your time with him.

He gave me a hug and said things will get better because he doesn't want to lose me

So just enough affection to keep your little spark of hope alive?

Sorry, but he is beyond cruel.

You're only 33. You have time to get out of this horrible, vacuous relationship that is making you feel worthless and start again with someone who makes you feel worthy, adored, respected, loved, desired.

You deserve all of these things. But you won't get them with this man.

I don't know what his problem is, but it ain't you.

Please be brave, pack your stuff and get back to your friends and family who love you. This sounds so lonely and horrible. No-one deserves to be made to feel like that. And he is making you feel like that.

No doubt, once you go, he'll follow and plead and make protestations of love for every more... please don't listen to a word of it.

Be strong, get the hell again from this blackhole of a man and find yourself again. Please. flowers

aerosocks Fri 01-May-20 14:55:35

You have spent years having the joy of life sucked out of you, and you've put your future on hold while you wait endlessly for him to sort himself out.
To be totally honest, I think it is time for you to decide whether you are prepared to continue with this charade any longer.

pog100 Fri 01-May-20 14:58:08

What are you doing with this man and why do you think this is anything close to normal? Relationships are supposed to make you feel good, not bad. You are wasting precious time on a relationship that's making you feel worse and worse. Get out as soon as you can. And no, although sexual appetites vary, twice a year for a 33 year old is in no way even approaching normal.

mamato3lads Fri 01-May-20 15:05:10


I think you must realise this state of affairs is not the norm and definitely not conducive to a happy relationship and healthy mind.

Sometimes you need to be brave and accept things won't change. In your shoes i would be looking to leave him.

JJLondon Fri 01-May-20 19:24:36

Thank you to all of you who responded, I really appreciate your honesty. It's hard to hear but needed.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy I've always believed him and thought that things would get better, but I'm starting to realise that it's not going to happen. I must have mug printed on my forehead, my patience has run out. I've done all but beg him to make some effort and he won't. I feel like a failure, but maybe the problem doesn't lie with me and no amount of effort on my part will change things.

I will be brave, thank you all

OP’s posts: |
fronttoback Sat 02-May-20 11:04:30

no amount of effort on my part will change things
This is it really. The change has to come from his own desire to change, and without that, then nothing you try to do will make a difference.

It's a tough decision you have ahead of you, and I hope that you make the right one. For you. flowers

LittleWing80 Sat 02-May-20 11:29:54

You are young, please don’t waste your young, fertile happy years on him. 5 years is a long time and too early in the relationship to be a simple blip all long term relationships have.
Trust someone who has been there, he will end up (maybe) giving you the baby you want to keep you trapped but won’t change and you will be more miserable AND stuck. It is a lot harder to escape when you have kids and even when you do, you feel guilty.

I know you can’t see it now but you deserve so much better and you have time on your side. Put YOU first. Good luck 💐

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