My H is doing hardly anything and I’m so cross

[Jamandbreadd]

Jsut a rant really. Dh and I have both been wfh for the past 5 weeks, dd5 off with us for almost the same amount of time. Dd isn’t his bio daughter but we’ve been together since she was 1, we are married and and we consider ourselves a family, share her costs, etc.
By now I feel seriously resentful about the domestic situation. Dh and I both work in IT, fairly busy jobs even now, and the big idea was to divide up working hours and childcare/home schooling. However this listed about one week and now dh pretty much parks himself at his desk (I have to use the kitchen table to work as we have a small flat) for the whole working day, except when he makes lunch. To be fair he will do lunch for me and dd too but that’s basically it. He’s on calls a lot, working solidly until he finishes up around 4 and then he’s straight on his beloved computer games until dinner. Or- to my annoyance- he does an organised group computer game with his work colleagues during work hours, something he is planning to do today.
Meanwhile I bought all the extra crafts and activities stuff for dd at home, there’s a box full of sticker/puzzle books plus all the work sent home from school, and she has lots of toys and books and things to do besides. He never takes the initiative to do anything with her during the work day or otherwise, if I have a call one of two things will happen. Either they will start an activity but his patience level will be so low it will peter off because she’s not “concentrating enough” or whatever, or he will jsut put a screen on for her. He doesn’t seem to have the inclination to sit and do a reading book or activity with her to contribute to the homeschooling routine. He never takes her out for her walk during the day- he’s done it literally once or twice. And then in the evenings when he is “free” he will do some dinner for us then just plays on computer games/has a bath/goes on his phone while I do dd bath/stories/bed and by the time
I get done at around 9pm I’m so knackered. The weeks feel so draining as it’s so driven by me. When I’ve tried to raise it he completely denies that I’m the only one doing the stuff with dd, but it’s true. The other day I was feeling really low and called my sister for about 15 mins to vent and it only took that long for him to tell dd off about something really harshly, he has no patience and just blames it on his stress levels. But the fact is he’s not doing as much as me. I do all laundry, cleaning, hoovering, tidying, cat litter tray etc as well as the childcare. Because he does most washing up and he cooks most days (which is actually his hobby/it relaxes him) he says it’s not fair to say I do more and I don’t appreciate him!!! He gets at least an hour a day to himself when I take dd for a walk, plus he gets to relax when he is done with work at 4 or 5, he even gets “fun time” during work when he and his colleagues do an organised online game. And he doesn’t get interrupted during the day as I’ve just learned it’s too stressful due to his obvious disinterest in doing stuff with dd.
I know he is dd stepdad but he has no interest in balancing this with me. He likes paying lip service to it eg complaining to his manager how hard it is “homeschooling and working” but that’s laughable, he’s not doing that! I am! I’ve already taken 2 days of annual leave to look after dd.. he won’t consider it.
I never realised before how much he sees all this as my job and it’s really disheartening. He wants a baby and I’m like, will he be different when it’s his child? Why? He’s not going to relinquish his addiction to video games/phone and become a whole different person? And he clearly sees chores and childcare as the woman’s work.
Ughhhhhh...

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You indeed have the ick re him and this situation as it stands is not going to get any better. These types of men do not change.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. I would be asking your own self now why you are with him at all.

He is a piss poor example of a stepfather to your daughter and this is really no relationship model to be showing her either. FGS do not have a child by him!. You are correct in your last sentence, he indeed is an entitled manchild of a man who regards the house and your daughter as your job.

Ranting is all very well and good but the underlying problem i.e he still remains. Consider carefully your own future and that of your child's with this man.

[Jamandbreadd]

He doesn’t even get her dressed and ready for the day which any idiot could do surely. It’s now 11.30, I’ve been trying to finish something for work and dd is still in her pjs on the iPad. While he has gone out for a run!

Yep, don’t see him changing. It’s his parents dynamic all over to be honest but the difference is they’re from arguably a traditionally very gender imbalanced culture and his dad was born in the 1940s.... whereas my husband is only early 30s and knows all about feminism etc.. apparently it doesn’t apply because he’s the big man at work.

[EdwinaMay]

Your DD will follow the trend. Your childhood family normal is what you often end up with when you marry and have a family of your own. You have no other example so don't know what the options are.

[MysteriesOfTheOrganism]

You need to sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms that the home and family do not run themselves - they need management and work. Either he does his fair share (including thinking about what needs doing, without having to be asked), or you do not see a future for the relationship. And mean it! If you're not prepared to end this relationship, then you have no power.

[justanotherneighinparadise]

He sees your daughter as your responsibility. Him disappearing off for a run tells you that very clearly. Would you do the same? If the answer is no then you are the primary care giver.

[category12]

If he doesn't have the patience to help with the home schooling, then he should pick up more of the housework. It's an unfair division of labour if you're both working full-time.

[Jamandbreadd]

I’ve had that convo with him about housework before. He jsut won’t accept it or he will make a token effort and then it will drop off. He was going to get rid of his computer because the gaming was so constant and then lockdown happened so that also didn’t materialise and he’s gaming as much as ever. I honestly am getting the ick and I don’t see that changing, I think after lockdown I may need to rethink this entirely. And I don’t even feel that sad anymore.

[Jamandbreadd]

I guess to some extent dd is my responsibility- he’s a step parent- but he did commit to us. He can’t have it all ways.

[category12]

I certainly wouldn't be having any dc with him and would be rethinking the relationship, especially because he's behaving particularly well to your dd.

[category12]

NOT ^ crucial word missed!

[Sugartitss]

She can dress herself at 5 surely.

[Womenwotlunch]

The sad reality is that many men see child rearing and childcare as ‘ women’s work’.
For years they have been able to escape to work and claim that they are ‘busy’ and therefore their lack of involvement in family life has been excused to some extent. However, the lockdown has revealed that some men want the trappings of family life, but don’t want to do the every day grafting.
Op, you have got to make it clear to your dh that he has to do his share. Don’t write lists, you should not have to bear the ‘mental load’. He knows what he has to do and he needs to do it.

[Womenwotlunch]

Op, even if you have children with him, he will still behave the same way.
You would think that he would make more effort with his dss as he is not her biological child

[billy1966]

Oh god don't have children with him.

I would find his obvious disinterest in your daughter unforgivable.

Have you really only noticed that now?

He can't spend 15 minutes in her company without speaking harshly.

I'd go through him for a short cut.
How dare he show absolutely no interest in your daughter and THEN be harsh with her.

He's adding nothing to either of your lives.

Make bloody sure you don't get pregnant by him.

He's a waster.

You both deserve better than him.

Married men gaming

[KittyKattyKate]

Do.not.have.a.child.with.this.man.

[Jamandbreadd]

I’ve been putting ttc off for over a year now with this gut feeling and lockdown has only crystallised it. He’s a high earner and does longer hours than me so I guess in some way I rationalised his lack of energy and the inequality but it’s just crap really isn’t it. At least I feel confident that I am a really good mum to dd and I even feel like I’ve massively upped my parenting game since this all kicked off because she needs it. I earn well too so I’m not worried about being ok financially on my own really. Just almost glad that this whole thing has made me accept the home truths about my husband. It’s a shame... he stands to lose a lot but all he thinks of is himself and his wants.

[B1rdbra1n]

All he thinks of is himself and his wants
now you've seen the writing on the wall it's time for you to do the same as he does play him at his own game.
You were trying to work as a team but he was never on your team, in his mind he is the master and you are servant.
Humour him but behind the scenes focus all your energy and effort on what's best for you in the long term.

[B1rdbra1n]

DO NOT TIP HIM OFF
If you do he will start working against you.
He will never co-operate, he will only ever try to create situations where he is in control and he gets what he wants at your expense.

[Jamandbreadd]

Absolutely- I’ve already started looking at my financial situation and figuring out what would happen if i filed for divorce. I just do what I want with dd most of the time and don’t really think to include him. I have planned to spend time at my sisters in the summer so dd can see her cousins who live a way away and I’m not even really considering him as part of that, shows I’m mentally making that shift. Lockdown is tough but it’s time to get ducks in a row.

[B1rdbra1n]

Get everything organised behind-the-scenes out of sight, make sure you get what you want and what's best for you.
He hasn't played fair with you he hasn't treated you as an equal, he shouldn't expect you to play fair with him.

[Getlostu]

Ok so DD may be your responsibility but the rest of the housework isn’t just yours is it? He’s mugging you off. I suggest you write out a rota. Work out what needs doing and when. Delegate lots to him. You have childcare responsibilities so yes going to have to take on extra jobs so you’re not overloaded. So what about making time for your relationship? Or is he gaming every evening? At least you’ve had an insight into what would happen if you did have a child together. What a shit life. Don’t stand for it. If he’s happy to see you totally exhausted and arguing back then what’s the point of him?

[crimsonlake]

Basically he sounds like he is enjoying the life of a single man within the confines of marriage and family.
Reading this makes me so angry on your behalf, a grown man behaving like a child with no responsibilities.
Remind him that you are not his mother and if he lived on his own he would have to do everything himself. He needs to grow up.

[EdwinaMay]

So he would suddenly be interested and a good father if you had a child together - the thought of how DD would feel if he magically shaped up and helped with DC2, whilst ignoring her, is not something you want to risk.

[Jamandbreadd]

Completely agree with you all and thanks for not jsut saying “he’s not her real dad ergo YABU”. He’s happy to have those trappings of family life but does just what he wants and doesn’t have a lot of tolerance to boot.

[billy1966]

Well done for seeing things as they are, not how you wish they we, and preparing to quietly get yourself organised.

You have got this OP.

You are too young to waste anymore time on a man whose sole concern is himself.

Thank God you haven't a child together...it will be a clean break.