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ending an affair before it starts

(336 Posts)
notabadperson Sun 16-Sep-07 23:11:12

Please, I don't need judging here, i really need constructive help. I know all the "right answers". I have become very close to someone else who is also married. We both really love our partners and know our relationship has nowhere to go. We both know the answer is to make the break and focus on our marriages, but am finding it so painful. Anyone else been through this and able to advise how they got through it??

lilolilmanchester Sun 16-Sep-07 23:29:12

maybe just focus on the alternative - ie if you are both wanting to stay married, think what would happen if you got found out. What would be most painful? Splitting up from your DH or this other guy?

fireflyfairy2 Sun 16-Sep-07 23:36:58

You know there is nowhere to go, no future.

Is it possible to stop contact altogether?

IdrisTheDragon Sun 16-Sep-07 23:40:38

Make the break. Make it properly. It will hurt really horribly but it is better than getting somewhat involved with someone, staying in contact with them and a year later still hating yourself and knowing the only way to stop it is to stop contact altogether. Although it would have hurt more at the time, I wish I had just cut contact altogether. Not sure why I ever thought we could stay friends.

notabadperson Sun 16-Sep-07 23:41:16

Yes, possible (ie we don't work in the same location/live next door or anything). And I know absolutely that's the right thing to do. Just breaking my heart thinking about it, but the alternatives are even more heartbreaking. I know a lot of people will come on here and say what do you expect, but I never thought this would happen to me and am struggling to cope, just looking for some support.

notabadperson Sun 16-Sep-07 23:42:06

Idris, sadly, I think you are right. Just wondering how I can face that.

NotAnOtter Sun 16-Sep-07 23:44:09

some of us do not judge nabp!

try to end it now - it will be bloody waful for a while....it truly is the only option . the alternatives are unthinkable.
focus on the children if you have them and what they would think - if that would help tear you away from new man x

IdrisTheDragon Sun 16-Sep-07 23:45:38

NABP, I so know the heart-breaking feeling. And I have no idea how to get through it. I managed to not be in touch ewith him for 4 weeks over the summer and although it was hard, I could tell I was a lot better, if that makes sense.

Sometimes feels like some sort of addiction almost. I am determined to be stronger though. Need to take one day at a time I think (haven't been in touch since Friday - wry smile).

notabadperson Sun 16-Sep-07 23:47:10

you're both telling me what I already know and dread. It' a rhetorical question really. I really love my DH and DCs, never expected to end up in this situation, and "he" feels exactly the same about his DW and DCs. We both feel dead guilty, both know it's got nowhere to go, yet both too cowardly to walk away. But know what we need to do. Thanks for listening

notabadperson Sun 16-Sep-07 23:48:00

ah idris, already doing better than you! Haven't been in touch since a text on Thurs, perhaps I'm on the road to recovery already!!!

madamez Sun 16-Sep-07 23:48:26

Sorry you're feeling so sad about this. I'm just wondering, though (and am perfectly aware that this is not an answer for everyone), have you and your DH ever talked through your feelings about monogamy? Because it's possible for people to have longstanding and happy marriages that do not depend on sexual exclusivity. A lot of unhappiness is caused by the myth that monogamy is compulsory for 'real' relationships, and too many people just assume that their partners want monogamy without ever discussing it.

NotAnOtter Sun 16-Sep-07 23:50:45

love affairs are just like addictions

the brain thrives on feeling good and strives to get more and more

you felt that way with dh once and all tht has changed is time
you would lose those amazing rushes with new man after a time....but by then a lot more would be lost

its a shit place to be right now for you but you sound sorted and intelligent

try to wean off him. concentrate on what annoys you about him

IdrisTheDragon Sun 16-Sep-07 23:50:51

See, you're managing to start off on the right road already smile.

(I do know it is horrible. I find myself needing to try and laugh at myself rather than cry. And I stay up too late thinking about things.)

Just focus on not feeling like this in a year's time. Now will be horrible but it will pass. Or something like that. I am hoping it will be true anyway.

notabadperson Sun 16-Sep-07 23:59:34

thanks all, gotta go, DH coming upstairs, will be back tomorrow ....

IdrisTheDragon Mon 17-Sep-07 08:13:35

Message withdrawn

HappyWoman Mon 17-Sep-07 08:30:13

How about thinking about his wife and children if you havent already. I have every reason to judge my h has had an affair and the fallout is huge, not just the two families involved but friends and distant relatives and also people from school and neighbours. I bet his wife is a really nice person (thats why he wants to stay married - of course), you will feel so much better about yourself if you know you have not hurt anyone - especially the ones who really do not deserve it both your partners and children.

I am not here to judge you though - but why not share your fatasy with your H - isnt that what you would want him to do if he was in your situation?

Knowing what it is - an addiction - is taking the first step, and i am sure it will not be easy all the time. But i do wish you all the best and hope you can find some way to do the right thing.

What is it you really want to gain from the affair - is it something your H could give you? Spice up your life instead with him. Have an afternoon off to induldge yourselves!!!

MellowMa Mon 17-Sep-07 08:46:48

Message withdrawn

HappyWoman Mon 17-Sep-07 08:50:32

Thats a bit harsh - she is trying to sort her head out.

I dont think she has gone out of her way to fall for this guy - maybe we should all lock ourselves up and not form relationships with anyone in case it makes us feel something we are not comfortable with.

ggglimpopo Mon 17-Sep-07 08:51:06

Read a 'my husband is having an affair' thread on here and weep. Then text him and tell him it is a non starter. Then wipe his number from your phone.

BecauseImWorthIt Mon 17-Sep-07 08:53:03

I take it you can't just remain friends with this man, without anything happening between you?

ShinyHappySchmooo Mon 17-Sep-07 08:54:26

Christ alive MadameZ.. hmm Sometimes you seem almost normal.. and then [thud] there you are back on one of these potentially heartbreaking threads encouraging people to fuck around

ShinyHappySchmooo Mon 17-Sep-07 09:06:14

How do you define ending an affair before before it starts NABP? Before you have sex with the person? You sound pretty far gone to me.. sex or no sex.

Don't torture youself about ending it. Just end it. Endure the pain with a brave smile on your face. It will be nothing to the pain your DH would feel. And then cherish him and the children and your family status.

Nobody ever said marriage would be easy. This is a "blip"; a hurdle.. get over and beyond it as quickly as possible.

MellowMa Mon 17-Sep-07 09:10:23

Message withdrawn

ShinyHappySchmooo Mon 17-Sep-07 09:14:43

Real life's not that black and white though MellowMa is it, unfortunately. Married people are sometimes going to be mutually attracted to other people. It happens. We are human beings. It's how much they value their marriage and then what they do about it that matters.

MellowMa Mon 17-Sep-07 09:17:35

Message withdrawn

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