I have two teenage daughters with my ex-husband, and a two year old son with my ex partner. My son's father left us suddenly when he was five months old and has had minimal contact with him since. We were in a long-term relationship, and my son was planned, FWIW.
I could give countless examples of how he has completely neglected his son (including when he refused to come and stay with him when I was rushed to hospital in an ambulance and later required surgery), leaving my then-17 year old daughter to care for my son and miss out on important exams until my sister could make the three hour drive to look after him, but sadly, it's simply a case of him having no interest in being a father to his son. No birthday cards or gifts, didn't contribute anything until I applied for child support, never asks me about how he is, for pictures of him, anything at all.
I have a partner now who I've been seeing for about a year. He is an absolutely wonderful man who is brilliant with all of my children and has taken on the role of father to my son, who adores him and calls him 'daddy'. My partner has been there for all of the hard stuff, the night wakings, the appointments, he's there whenever my son is sick, gets him (and us) anything he needs, does housework, washing, shopping, you name it. He's also been there for all the amazing things too; my son learning to talk, sing, count, recognise colours and shapes, the hugs, the kisses, the games, the cuteness and the endless love. He's awesome with my daughters as well and I honestly can't picture my life without him in it.
My question is: how do you actually explain to a child that their father chose to not be a part of their life? When my son is old enough to realise that his 'daddy' and his bio father are not the same person, how do I explain? He didn't die, or get sick, or have to leave the country, or anything similar, he just can't be bothered. I honestly think about this sometimes and can't fathom what I will say. To complicate things further, I have a fabulous relationship with my ex partner's sister and father (my son's aunty and grandfather), and they spend a lot of time with us. So eventually my son will realise that they've made a choice to love him and engage with him, but his own father hasn't.
I would love to hear how you navigated this if you have had a similar experience. My ex-husband and I have a fantastic and very positive relationship, and he's always been a very hands-on father to our daughters, so I've never had to contend with a situation like this. I know my son is only two, but I want to be prepared for the day when he starts asking questions, or understanding that his family unit is different to other people's.
I can't bear the thought of him feeling unloved or unwanted, but I don't want to lie to him either. Any advice would be appreciated
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Relationships
How do you explain to a child that their father is absent by choice?
Voodoocowgirl · 01/05/2020 05:05
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