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How did you feel removing manipulative people from your life?

(10 Posts)
Redracing Thu 30-Apr-20 21:01:38

Not really sure what I am asking here, more wanting a chat on experiences.

We have had ongoing issues with DH extended family. We moved to a different part of the UK where they lived (we liked the area - it wasn't a contributing factor) But it was away from ILS (no issues there) and my family.

His family were nice on the front, I had been warned about them previously however always judge people for my own. Unfortunately it quickly became apparent how manipulative and toxic they were.

It started with unwanted opinions on EVERYTHING, then getting arsey when you don't change your plan to meet their opinion. Could be as small as we would be going to a restaurant , and they would say no don't go there , go here (although they have never been) and they'd push and push. I quickly learnt to go along with things but somethings were harder then others like telling DH I didn't need my own car and going on about it!!

Next it was forcing unwanted gifts and favours , example, came round our house one day with an old rug we don't want. Did not even match our decor. Tell them No honest we're fine. Lays down rug and leaves it. Won't take it back .Then goes on about how nice they were giving you the rug?! (Lack of willpower here maybe from me but it's awkward)

Then it became comments on my appearance, my weight, my dress sense, our relationship, my parenting style with our children , how I kept the house (spotless by the way) so all mainly digs at me.. as though not good enough...

And finally, lies. Complete fabrications of events . Playing victim.

We finally had enough and have removed ourselves with abit of drama . Hoping it's the end of it but still feel pretty anxious about 'what's next' and also guilty on DH . I looked back to think have I overreacted in anyway but truly believe I let more than enough slide for long enough over the past 4 years.

What's everyone's experiences with toxic and manipulative people?

OP’s posts: |
nannymags Thu 30-Apr-20 21:58:53

in my experience I had to step away and ask DP to not involve me in his family life. Would it help for you to ask him to not relay any comments they make about you?

elfycat Thu 30-Apr-20 22:18:42

I've rid myself of a toxic friend and gone NC with my PIL.

Lots of boundary crossing. At first I would draw my line in the sand, but all it took was a hint of weakness (with both it was having DDs and that tired, low mood) and the boundaries were crossed again and again until I didn't know where I was.

My final straws were dealing with outrageous lies about me.

ex-friend said how I'd let her down and left her lonely over Xmas and she bad mouthed me as a friend - when she'd come to my house on Xmas day and let her kids wreck it (broken toys, lost brand-new puzzles, ripped sofa cushions, snapped CDs, torn books - those last 2 were from MY collection) and their mother did nothing and barely apologised. When the mutual friend she'd told came to confront me I was flabbergasted.

PILs - the lie that I'd been so, so awful to FIL at my wedding reception. That would be the time he got drunk and reamed me out and I gathered my dignity and walked away - all of it witnessed. 10 years later he tried bringing it back up with DH to point out how evil I was, and DH agreed that his parents are fuckwits and I didn't have to put up with their bullying any longer on his account.

It was very weird. For a long time I was angry but also apprehensive about potentially meeting them accidentally and what to do - it made me panic a bit. I have spoken to ex-F DC at same school but it's along the lines of the 'good morning' you give to any acquaintance. I know she's bad mouthed me but all I can do is be me and let others decide for themselves if it's true.

PIL? DH sees them. He never says anything they've said about me but comes home very quiet and moody so I know things have been said. DH and I had marriage counselling over everything that had happened (and his previous lack of support and throwing me to the wolves) and his relationship with them is very complicated. He's the scapegoat child but he still wants their approval. I hate them more for that than what they did to me. I'm so, so glad I don't have to see them again. Massive relief. Weight off shoulders. All of those sayings x100.

Redracing Fri 01-May-20 10:21:43

@elfycat wow that sounds terrible - glad you managed to get away. At the moment DH is removing himself also. I just feel so anxious as I know it will die down but then come back up.... dreading bumping into someone!

@nannymags nothing has been said about me to DH direct, it was to other family members, but Part of me wants to know the lies to defend myself, they have recently said things to PIL to try an manipulate that relationship but luckily they are more switched on. One was that I don't like FIL and never have a good word to say about him? I'm really hurt about that as it's far from the truth!

OP’s posts: |
SpongeBobJudgeyPants Fri 01-May-20 15:56:59

I think that if you are hearing their stories, you will prolong the agony indefinitely. They are never going to change, and you are going to spend a large part of your life defending yourself from their malicious spite, and presumably getting quite stressed in the process. Would it be possible to accept you have no control of their toxicity, and just opt out of it?

beeinmygarden Fri 01-May-20 20:15:19

Bloody brilliant! In my case it was an emotionally manipulative friend. Such a feeling of relief! I have walked away from a developing friendship when that person showed similarly traits to the manipulative friend too. I will never get into a relationship like that again!

NoMoreDickheads Fri 01-May-20 20:34:31

I feel relaxed and happy to be rid of the continued pressure to do what he wanted etc and the insecurity. Great work and hope you feel more chilled out soon. xxx

SleepySheepy Fri 01-May-20 20:37:31

I've completely cut contact with a toxic family member. It took nearly 30 years but I've been immeasurably happier since doing it.
It's been a bumpy road, I've had to lock down my social media, remove anyone related to them, block numbers etc. They wouldn't accept it and tried to contact me a lot in fits and bursts, there would be months of nothing and then letters, cards, threats, attempts to get my ex husband to do something?! Not too long ago they turned up unannounced at my door.
I've had to get a ring doorbell and have seriously considered contacting the police.
Like I said, I'm immeasurably happier but it's not been an easy road.

justanotherneighinparadise Fri 01-May-20 20:41:34

I feel wonderful. Never looked back.

gamerchick Fri 01-May-20 20:42:43

The first time you do it is always the hardest OP. But you're still giving them energy, which defeats the purpose.

You need to stop giving them headspace and caring about what they say.

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