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Time to get out of this toxic relationship

(22 Posts)
shakiwulub9 Thu 30-Apr-20 13:49:35

Just that really.
I have tried twice in the past year, each time my boyfriend has played the "I cannot live without you" and "life isn't worth it if you're not around" card. I had a lot of stress going on in my family at the time so typical me I fell for all of this and took him back. 12 months on, I'm happy, in a good job, with a great family around me, and he really isn't bringing any value to my life whatsoever. I talk to him on the daily because I have to, not because I want to.
Lockdown has made me realise that I truly can live without him - I haven't seen him for 6 weeks and it's been fabulous! I haven't missed him once. I've had some really good Skype/Zoom calls with friends, playing quiz nights and having a drink and a laugh with them. It's opened my eyes to the fun that is out there and the fun I could be having when lockdown is over.
I'm just so scared to end it because I am scared of the emotional manipulation.
He has never done me wrong as such, but the relationship spark has certainly fizzled out, and it just isn't making me happy anymore.
What do I do? What do I say? Can I do it during lockdown or is it best to wait until this is all over?

My BF and I are both 23 if that helps. We do not live together. Tia x

OP’s posts: |
bembridge11 Fri 01-May-20 00:03:19

So glad to hear you are having fun catching up with friends and feel happy.
Absolutely break up with him ASAP. Don't waste one more second of your precious twenties with him!
Defiantly don't wait any longer! He adds little value to your life:
And keep a diary of how you feel every day. So that if he starts his emotional manipulation you scam read your diary and remember how happy and content you are without him.

TwentyViginti Fri 01-May-20 00:11:08

You don't owe him a relationship. Just end it, and block him everywhere if he starts trying to manipulate you. You don't exist purely for his benefit.

Italiangreyhound Fri 01-May-20 05:22:36

@shakiwulub9 good luck breaking up.Sounds like you know you can happily live without him.

Neveranynamesleft Fri 01-May-20 05:48:45

You just need to say exactly what you said on here ' the spark has fizzled out and this relationship doesnt make me happy anymore'. Thank you and goodbye. End of. Move on.

billy1966 Fri 01-May-20 06:41:53

This is the perfect time to do it OP.

Tell him tgat the spark has gone and that you wish him the best.

Block him on absolutely everything and don't look back.

It's over.
Just do it.
Move on.

Before you get involved again, do some work on yourself.
It would be worth delving into why you were and are so susceptible to manipulation.

You need to develop strong boundaries so that you can make wise choices and stand by them.

Do not be a target for an abusive man simply because your boundaries are weak.

You need to be confident in what you want, and your choices.

Perhaps someone on here might recommend some reading material during this time.

pilates Fri 01-May-20 06:46:36

Yes I would do it straight away, no need to put off the inevitable

CodenameVillanelle Fri 01-May-20 06:49:25

You don't have to listen to his manipulation. You don't owe him endless post break up phone calls. You just don't have to respond. If he hassles you with phone calls and texts then block his number for a bit, or just put on silent and ignore him. You can do this!

Windmillwhirl Fri 01-May-20 07:25:39

Just don't buy into the manipulation. I'd be up front and say there will be no changing your mind and if he needs support he will have to seek it elsewhere. Be firm. Then get on with your fabulous life.

AlwaysCheddar Fri 01-May-20 07:52:22

Break up and ignore his threats. He’s vile.

snappychat Fri 01-May-20 07:54:21

Do it now, then, whilst you’re in lockdown he can’t come and see you to try and change your mind, put pressure on etc, it will give him time to get through it and you even more peace, good luck

lottieloop Fri 01-May-20 07:58:11

Why do you feel you owe him something OP?

Just tell him that it isn't what you want anymore. End of. Done ✅

shakiwulub9 Fri 01-May-20 08:09:52

Thank you all so much for your words of advice. You are all absoltuely right, and hearing it from others gives me the confidence that I need to tell myself that I am doing the right thing, for ME!

I think it is more of a mental block more than anything. Knowing that I've tried to do this twice before - and failed - I think I just need to be strong about it and say that this isn't working for me anymore, and enough's enough.

I just want to be happy, and he isn't bringing that to my life anymore. I'm actually beginning to think lockdown is in fact the perfect time to do this, all things considered!

OP’s posts: |
lottieloop Fri 01-May-20 09:56:12

He is being manipulative OP saying the 'life isn't worth living if you aren't around' The sheer desperation of him saying this is a turn off never mind him being manipulative to get you to stay in the relationship.

It's your life. Your decisions. I wasted so many years with ex's that I was just like 'meh' about ..... don't do the same!

Just tell him what you've said here & don't engage with ANY of his texts/ calls. Just ignore.

lottieloop Fri 01-May-20 09:57:09

Keep us updated OP ......

DelphiniumBlue Fri 01-May-20 10:06:15

He clearly can live without you as the last 6 weeks have shown. How often do you speak to him?
Anyway, you're not married or engaged, you don't live together, so it's not going to affect every aspect of his life, he's just going to have to deal with it. It will be harder for him in that he'll not have so much to distract him from his sorrows during lockdown, but that's not your problem. He doesn't have to agree with your decision, you don't have to persuade him accept it. You just tell him, and as another poster said, don't get involved in post-break-up conversations. Don't message him to see how he is, he'll take that as an olive branch.
Be clear that it isn't working so you are ending it. No "maybe we can be friends" etc, that just gives false hope. One conversation, then done.

shakiwulub9 Sat 02-May-20 19:25:08

Just to say thank you all so much - I did it!!!

OP’s posts: |
marriedwithhounds Sat 02-May-20 19:33:25

Well done op! How did it go?

shakiwulub9 Sat 02-May-20 20:56:40

It is a huge relief, I felt very nervous before I did it, but I fought the feelings, I knew deep down in my head and my heart that this was the right thing to do for me.
But, as quite a relief this time, he said he wasn't surprised, that he saw it coming, and that he agreed it was for the best now.

I feel such a weight off my shoulders!

OP’s posts: |
billy1966 Sat 02-May-20 22:38:44

Fantastic news OP.

Best advice any woman can ever receive is to listen to and act on her gut feelings.

They never let you down.

Spend a bit of time reading and reflecting on this relationship.

What you can learn from it.

What you wish you did differently.

What you can learn from this to make you stronger going forward.

It will mean that this experience had value.

Never the loser, always the learner...words I really try to live by.

Go have a truly fabulous lifeflowers

Italiangreyhound Sat 02-May-20 23:04:30

Great news. flowers

marriedwithhounds Sun 03-May-20 12:00:30

That must be such a relief! Well done x

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