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Advice re Intimacy

(15 Posts)
ste22 Thu 30-Apr-20 13:18:15

Hi all
I am after some advice regarding the relationship with me and my partner. We have been together for over 10years, been married before, and have children from those. We have my eldest (28) live with us and my daughter (13) who is co-parented. We have the usual relationship arguments etc, which settle.
The issue is basically sex and intimacy. We hold hands, cuddle, and everything like that. But the last time we had sex was over a year ago, even then it was as and when. This has been like it for about five years.
She is 48 and has had early menopause, which I fully understand and what it entails. We have discussed this in the past, but it really didn't go well and I was told that is all I think about.
She also told me that she can not relax in bed as she thinks I may make a move on her, that she doesn't have a sex drive, and does not care if she ever feels that way again.
So for a long time I have been wondering what to do, I never make a move anymore, we go to bed and cuddle.
If I do try to talk about it, she says things along the lines of 'I can not just switch it on' 'I am trying, but it is not good enough for you'.
I don't have the most active sex drive, but I am actually getting into bed and resigning myself to the fact it is not happening.
I have suggested slowly building up, making it special, massage, flirting my txt, and that it does not have to lead to sex, but it never seems to work.
I really do not want to appear shallow, I also know it is not all about sex but it is getting to me.
If it was the other way around, I would hopefully think that I would see the importance in a relationship.
I love her to bits and the thought of cheating is not an option. It has knocked my confidence if that makes sense. I am scared to approach it because of the reaction.
The thing is, she loves to be held and cuddled, hold hands etc....I don't get it and despite everything, I am fighting a losing battle.
The other thing is that because my dh is autistic, I have to sleep in with her, so I am only with my partner half the week. We have discussed this and she says she can relax those nights.
Any advice would be great..TIA

OP’s posts: |
Puddlejuice Thu 30-Apr-20 13:43:04

She doesn't want sex anymore.
Either accept that or leave. Don't make her life miserable keeping on for sex, you don't have the right to have sex with her, or anyone.
You don't say how old you are, but if you left and met someone else there is a chance they wouldn't want sex either, lots of post menopausal women don't.

achillesratty Thu 30-Apr-20 14:08:07

Leave. You have tried, she's not interested, why would you stay in a relationship with someone who totally disregards your needs to the point they even refuse to discuss it? I am postmenopausal and my sex life has never been better. She might not want a sex life and that's her right but she has no right to expect you stay in a sexless marriage.

RUSU92 Thu 30-Apr-20 14:12:21

I don't have the most active sex drive, but I am actually getting into bed and resigning myself to the fact it is not happening

As you should. She’s made it clear she’s not feeling it. Why would you go to bed with any other impression?

I am only with my partner half the week. We have discussed this and she says she can relax those nights

This tells you everything you need to know.

If it was the other way around, I would hopefully think that I would see the importance in a relationship and if your body wouldn’t cooperate? And you knew that due to your new hormonal state it was quite likely that it never would? Then what?

RUSU92 Thu 30-Apr-20 14:13:36

She is 48 and has had early menopause, which I fully understand and what it entails

This is blatantly untrue.

Redyellowpink Thu 30-Apr-20 14:53:37

Yeah, wrong audience

PippaPegg Thu 30-Apr-20 14:56:03

Not this again.

therona Thu 30-Apr-20 14:59:02

DH means husband, I don't understand what you meant by it?

otterhound Thu 30-Apr-20 16:12:56

Its not going to change. So if you want to act with integrity you have 2 options:

1. Leave
2. Stay and accept there will be no more sex. If she is that nervous I’d suggest separate bedrooms.

Otherwise as women on these types of thread are always told to get dh to the dr,
Get her to go to the gp for hrt...

Also be prepared for comments from some posters that are never made when a woman posts about a lack of sex.

Gobbycop Thu 30-Apr-20 16:19:51

Yeah, prepare to be made to feel like a sex pest by posters here.

Of course if it were the other way around the same people would say you probably have a porn addiction or are fucking another woman.

AnastasiaBeverleyHills Thu 30-Apr-20 16:34:26

*Yeah, prepare to be made to feel like a sex pest by posters here.

Of course if it were the other way around the same people would say you probably have a porn addiction or are fucking another woman*

This is spot on. I was shocked by the first few replies.

"Leave her"

"You have no right to sex"

"Not this again"

What bitter, bitter people you are. Sex is part of an intimate adult relationship. It is not a right, nor has the OP said it was his right it is , however, quite important. It is not something someone should just be expected to "out up or shut up" with because they have a penis. You are essentially telling someone who loves someone that they need to shut part of themselves off or leave. There are other options available.

@ste22 have you tried a couples counsellor or a sex therapist?

AnastasiaBeverleyHills Thu 30-Apr-20 16:34:48

*put up or shut up

otterhound Thu 30-Apr-20 16:44:27

Also the problem is it’s difficult to miss something you dont desire.
Eg i don't really like fizzy drinks so if i was never allowed a can of coke again it really wouldn’t bother me.

And its a bit like that with libido - and both men and women with low or no libido often have similar though processes which is, its not that important to me so why should i change.

Your wife doesn’t want to change so your options are pretty stark.

KellyHall Thu 30-Apr-20 16:44:47

I don't know the answer but I do feel for you.

I gave up asking dh for sex a couple of years ago because I felt so rejected after trying absolutely everything to encourage him to dtd. I eventually told him that if he ever wanted to dtd I'd never turn him down but I wouldn't ever try it on with him again, so as he never felt pressurised into having sex. We've probably dtd 3 times since.

I just focus on the positives, it's not a deal breaker for me.

beeinmygarden Thu 30-Apr-20 16:56:55

I don't think the first replies were bitter, just blunt but accurate. The woman here, HAS made it clear she never wants sex again. If she saw her lack of sex drive as a problem, there might be something to work with. But she has clearly laid out the terms of a relationship with her.

I really feel for you OP, But I don't think there are many options. You either accept a sexless marriage, seek sex elsewhere (an affair) or leave. There are plenty of people in sexless marriages who want to stay married and seek affairs. But if that is not for you, you only have two options.

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