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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Been ghosted by a friend

14 replies

Pinklynx · 30/04/2020 02:37

Having been on MN for some time, I completely get that friendships don't owe you anything and if someone wants to ghost you it's up to them. But still for me they're important. One of my friends has moved away for lockdown to be with a family member.

She's always been very warm and caring. Since she's moved she doesn't contact me at all and when I've arranged to speak to her she has to go really soon or at times hasn't picked up when I've called even when we've arranged it in advance.

I completely understand if she's moved on as she's got a very fulfilling set up where she is now.

What I don't understand is how I could have got it so completely wrong to think we were close when we clearly weren't at all. Things like she'd message after we met up to say what a wonderful time she'd had and hug me for ages when we met up etc. And say how much she loved me. And it would be equally her that contacted me to meet up. We shared a lot about our lives and she was always really encouraging and supportive as I was to her.

Then it's like she's moved on without a backwards glance. Of course that's her right but how could I have got it so wrong? How are you supposed to know where you are with someone when the actions and words just don't add up to how they really feel.

I'm just very hurt and let down. I can't even talk to her about it because I can't get to speak to her, and I know that it's a big taboo to do that anyway. I'm not very needy in that I expect to be on the phone everyday but it's the total dismissal that's so hurtful and confusing.

OP posts:

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sallyanne33 · 30/04/2020 09:56

I understand what you’re feeling, this happened to me a year ago, my supposed best friend distanced herself when I got pregnant and eventually ghosted and blocked me and it’s still really painful. It is hurtful and confusing and you’ll probably never know the reason which is the worst thing. You have to hold you head up, keep your dignity and don’t give her the headspace. She wasn’t a real friend to treat you that way and you deserve better. Sorry you’re going through this, people can be horrible.

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MaryBerrystolemyflour · 30/04/2020 09:58

People are always going to disappoint. You have to learn to live with it eventually.

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balonzz · 30/04/2020 09:58

Maybe it's your friend's current situation that is causing her to behave in this way, maybe there's always someone around so that she feels she can never have any privacy to have a chat? Perhaps she's not well? Maybe she's a bit depressed?
Not making excuses for her, just looking for explanations.

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AudaCityLimits · 30/04/2020 10:02

She sounds like she may not be okay. I distance myself when I'm depressed, and tbh I can be a shit friend if I'm really down.

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cstaff · 30/04/2020 10:04

I would think that this is down to the fact that she is staying with a relative and has company and doesn't have the same need for your company. I'm not saying that this is ok, just that it is probably temporary and she doesn't even realise that she is doing this to you.

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TheNestedIf · 30/04/2020 10:30

Did she move in with the family member because she wanted to or because her family member needed support?

Is it possible that, maybe, she isn't actually fulfilled or happy being around someone else 24/7 and has no emotional energy left? Not that that makes it any more pleasant for you but you may find it easier to reconcile yourself if her position isn't just "I'm alright, Jack".

If you think that could be possible, maybe just email her instead for a while, let her know you're there and let her respond when she has energy.

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SuntanC · 30/04/2020 10:30

Hi OP, I think someone has said above too, she may be depressed, or overly anxious? Recent times have meant a massive flare up of these for me, and I am finding keeping contact with people difficult just now. See what happens when we get back to a bit more normality.

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rookiemere · 30/04/2020 11:11

I wouldn't write her off based on what is happening right now. I'm a sociable person normally, but I'm really struggling with contacting people at the moment and would find it difficult if even a close friend was expecting regular calls.

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TheVanguardSix · 30/04/2020 11:17

Don't lose hope, OP. I think the above suggestion that she may be emotionally exhausted is a good one. Maybe her job prospects have tanked, her future is up in the air, her family member may be needy or draining (or not!). Maybe she's got lockdown blues and is sort of reflecting or hibernating. I know that I've gone way underground during lockdown. I'm just reading and being with my immediate family. I love my friends, but I am feeling overwhelmed by the demands to 'keep in touch'. Good friendships totally survive times of distance. She'll contact you when she's ready. She's likely feeling overwhelmed and a bit low. You'll find out. Allow her to explain once she comes back up for air.

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Pinklynx · 30/04/2020 11:17

I really appreciate all your responses. It's really helped.

I really feel for you Sallyanne. Not having closure must have been really hard and especially when you're a bit vulnerable anyway with a new baby. Do you think your friend was a bit jealous or just wanted to party and didn't see how you could fit into that. Whatever the reason it's still v hurtful and I hope you've found some lovely new friends.

I don't think she's depressed as she's got a much more sociable arrangement where she is. I think she's v busy and there's something in not needing me so much. We had the kind of friendship where we'd confide in each other and I guess she doesn't need that atm.

I agree that I have to just deal with the disappointment and try and reach out when things are a bit more normal.

Thanks everyone and I'm sad for you too who've been let down by others. Friendships are just so valuable.

OP posts:

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Pinklynx · 30/04/2020 11:19

PS feel for all of you who are struggling with lockdown atm and feeling a bit down

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Legoandloldolls · 30/04/2020 11:28

OP I had this happen to me. In my case my friend was fantastic and doting for four years then her kids started school and she dumped me.

It really hurt.

I would put the contact back into her court. Say that you can see she is busy and for her to contact you when she needs you. I did lots of chasing, making sure my friend was ok, being available etc which I regret in hindsight.

We did meet up last year and I realised that I never really knew her and she isn't a nice person at all. It was all fake. For what reason who knows

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sallyanne33 · 30/04/2020 13:26

@Pinklynx I think she wasn’t interested in babies and so she suddenly wanted to avoid me when I changed and moved on to the next phase of my life. I’ve heard she’s since had her own baby though so who knows. But I think my bitterness over this has coloured my response to you and actually I agree with the other posters that you should maybe give her the benefit of the doubt as it could be a lockdown thing. But don’t chase her, keep your dignity! Just in case.

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Pinklynx · 30/04/2020 15:44

Lego I feel for you too. It's weird how people can be so fake! I wouldn't want to spend time with someone I didn't care about so I don't really get it.

But I agree with you and sallyanne, although I might get into contact later on I'm not going to do any chasing. I'm just going to value myself and do things that make me feel good.