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I want to be alone ...

(26 Posts)
PlanetCraft Thu 30-Apr-20 00:30:19

I'm in my 50s, and have had quite a sociable and eventful life, though there has been also quite a lot of trauma along the way ....

Anyway, at the moment I seem to be enjoying a more peaceful and solitary time, with few ties. I still enjoy people's company, and have a couple of friends and I am still "out" in the world and am happy to be so at times. But on a more personal, internal level, perhaps as a sensitive sort, I feel more withdrawn from the society I see around me, especially the more 'surface' and unpleasant stuff.

However, though I am generally fine like this, I can feel a little self-conscious about this at times, especially perhaps as I live in quite a family-oriented place. Though I often love the feeling of being alone and free, sometimes I can feel self-conscious with others about my more solitary status.

Just meandering, and wondering if anyone else have some similar thoughts or feelings?

OP’s posts: |
FortunesFave Thu 30-Apr-20 01:42:05

I'm not single but I am in my late 40s and feel like I need way more time alone than I get.

My friend is single, she's 52 and she has no intention of seeking a relationship again. She's much happier alone. Like you she has a small social circle and is happy that way.

Me too...I only socialise with two or three people and then only rarely.

I don't feel at all self conscious and neither does my friend.

Holothane Thu 30-Apr-20 02:00:57

To be honest if I didn’t have dh I wouldn’t bother now, certainly I hope he lives a long time because I won’t bother again.

sessell Thu 30-Apr-20 02:24:01

Also in 50s and enjoying solitude. I think it's magnified by this quarantine - there is no pressure to be social, to be seen to be 'doing' things and going places. I am feeling happier and more content. Honestly, ideally I would still like to find a significant other. But they'd have to be very special.

Redyellowpink Thu 30-Apr-20 05:12:14

I need to be alone about 90percent of the time. I'm quite an introverted sensitive person, I think quite deeply, am v sensitive to noise and stimulation. I enjoy one on one interactions but they do tire me. I'm 31, live alone, single,smallgroup of close friends. I'd like a partner one day but like a pp said, they'd have to be special

Mumwith4kidzz Thu 30-Apr-20 05:18:59

@PlanetCraft I get it. I am still young-ish (29) I have been with my now husband since I was 21 and now he is starting to get agressive when he drinks. I would love to have some time to be alone but I also had kids pretty young with my husband and a baby expected in June 2020. My kids are my life so I can't really go anywhere you know? I get what your saying and wish you the best!

WanderingMilly Thu 30-Apr-20 05:54:27

I love being alone. I have been single for years after a marriage, divorce and a couple of other relationships, alone is definitely best. I don't want another relationship and want to remain single for the rest of my days. I feel happier, freer and liberated...I can choose my life without having to think of anyone else's needs, or make any compromises. I am not in the slightest bit embarrassed about it, it's just great.

I also like being alone in the sense of doing things on my own. I have lots of friends and a wide circle of colleagues, past associates and family but I prefer not to be in constant contact. I often go to things on my own (theatre, restaurants and so on) or travel on my own. I like my own company and lockdown hasn't been too onerous, although the lack of being able to go out and about/go shopping/meet someone for coffee is a bit of a drag. Other than that, no.

If you like being alone and free, without ties, great...just enjoy it.

Toilenstripes Thu 30-Apr-20 05:54:37

I could have written the first part of the OP. My 20s and 30s were social and travel and friendships. Traumatic at times. Now I’m 52 and I feel like I’ve cultivated an inner life that I enjoy, away from the ugliness of current affairs. I’m fortunate that my DH is easygoing and takes the same approach.

Riverviews Thu 30-Apr-20 05:59:55

I'm 50 and I live with my teenager, week in, week out. I really enjoy the weeks when I'm alone and after he goes to uni, I suspect I'll be very happy living completely alone. I can't see myself ever living with someone (was married for 15 years before)

balonzz Thu 30-Apr-20 06:06:02

Same here! After a youth spent chasing men (why??) and some traumatic relationships I am now so content to be alone. I really appreciate the peace and quiet of living in solitude. Part of me still hankers after the ideal person that I have yet to meet he doesn't exist, but actually I am loving life right now just as it is.

eaglejulesk Thu 30-Apr-20 07:26:34

I'm 60 and live alone. In fact I have lived alone a lot - with a marriage in-between - and I really love it, and don't think I could ever share a house again. I've been unemployed for a while, but do temp work now and again. When I'm working I enjoy interacting with the others in the workplace, but once I'm home then I enjoy my own space. I have friends and like to socialise with them now and again, and then return to my own little bubble. I don't feel self-conscious about the way I feel at all.

pinkyredrose Thu 30-Apr-20 07:29:26

I hear ya! I absolutely love being alone. I find it stressful having to consider someone else for too long. I've got great friends who i love seeing but couldn't imagine living with anyone again.

BertiesLanding Thu 30-Apr-20 11:08:56

I feel pretty much the same.

bigbirdandoscar Thu 30-Apr-20 12:21:03

I'm 50 and I love my space. I'm fairly quiet and like time on my own. I have friends I can meet for catchups and coffee, people I can go to see on holiday and sometimes socialise with colleagues.

However, I'd like someone special in my life. Just seeing them at weekends would be fine for me. I'm not sure that I would want to live with someone.

SmokedGlass Thu 30-Apr-20 16:49:15

I totally understand, I’ve been on my own now for six yrs after 31 yrs of marriage, 3 adult kids who have given me their fair share of life’s dramas, a beautiful family home, all the trappings of a great life but always liked my own company

I love my single life, lots of friends, holidays, weekends away and a really fulfilling part time job

I’m happy, I enjoy the company of others but I absolutely love being in my home, pottering, walking my dog, gardening, DIY
But, the bloody grief I get from my offspring and some friends that I should be in a relationship or dating is sometimes annoying
I love my life just as it is 😁

PlanetCraft Fri 01-May-20 00:07:23

Thanks all for your thoughts and messages. Funnily enough, like Sessell, I’m enjoying some aspects of the slower pace of lockdown with less social obligations. Also the inner life Tollen mentions - which has got a bit more intense the last couple of quiet weeks, some of that’s been quite hard though. Thanks for your kind wishes, Mum4Kids. Ballonz - “chasing men, why” made me 😃!

Sometimes it’s almost a bit like I have returned to some of the vivid interior of youth, often experienced more vividly when alone.

OP’s posts: |
Duvetdweller Fri 01-May-20 00:14:28

I’m used to being alone. I love my family. If I don’t get some peace soon I’ll be moving into the premier inn.

Plantlover101 Fri 01-May-20 03:51:29

I can feel a little self-conscious about this at times, especially perhaps as I live in quite a family-oriented place. Though I often love the feeling of being alone and free, sometimes I can feel self-conscious with others about my more solitary status.

That is interesting. I live in London and never feel self-conscious about being single in my 50s. I long to move closer to family, though, who live in a small town, and I wonder if I would feel differently if I were to do this? I worry that I would be a bit bored.

I've never married but had a series of relationships, been a "common-law" twice and have no desire whatsoever to live with a man again. I don't want to sound sexist but in my experience, they end up taking over your living space and before you know it, football is on TV constantly and you're picking up after them.

I absolutely LOVE living alone. It's paradise.

I am quite reclusive - which is ironic, because from about 18 to 45 I was a wild party girl! These days I often feel tired at the mere thought of going out to meet up with friends but once I'm with them I have a great time.

I read a survey somewhere that said people were more contented as they got older and that's certainly true for me. I think we grow into our skin and accept who we are rather than trying to fit in with others' expectations.

CHIRIBAYA Fri 01-May-20 10:11:33

You sound like you have a very rich inner life, which many sensitive people do. I felt very calm reading your post and can relate to what you say. When I was a child we used to holiday in a caravan that a wonderful elderly lady had on her farmland near Lyme Regis. I remember her saying once that the best thing about growing old was watching the world go by but not being a part of it. Even as a child that resonated with me deeply. The surface and unpleasant stuff that you speak of has been amplified by the internet and the quiet places are becoming superflous. I sometimes feel alone in my deep connection to the natural world and my rejection of most of what consumer society has to offer; it is mostly fleeting fripperies. But I know that there are people out there with soul and depth and on those occasions that I come across one I am reminded that there are still some in life who know where the real treasure lies.

Yelllow Fri 01-May-20 10:16:16

I totally get it!! I'm married with 3 kids but my alter ego lives alone in a trendy condo with a small dog. I love indulging in that fantasy.

PlanetCraft Fri 01-May-20 16:15:21

Wow CHIRIYBA, what a truly beautiful post. I wish I could have written it. It resonates so. Re. your holiday story, all I can say is you must have been a really lovely, sensitive child. And thank you for reminding us - we can follow our nature and stay close to where the real treasure lies.

Plant yes, I was something of that party girl! Though, perhaps unlike you, I think I was actually quite lost and dealing with quite a lot of trauma at the same time (and directly afterwards because my life was a mess basically).

Re. doing things alone - actually, I do not usually feel self-conscious. I feel free and happy. I was just thinking of an occasion on a crowded beach last year. It was on a hot and busy weekend though and probably would have been fine on a quieter day. I think the small town thing can be an issue - at least for a more bohemian Miss Marple ....

Duvet, Premier Inn, whats not to love smile.

Wishing you all happiness.

OP’s posts: |
PlanetCraft Fri 01-May-20 16:19:30

and joy flowers.

In solitary or reclusive peace or sharing with others and being part of the 'world'.

Really, what I see is that Its the connection that counts. Be it natural, spiritual, inner, or social. I hope that makes sense. I must stop writing now!

OP’s posts: |
beachcomber70 Fri 01-May-20 20:51:31

I can relate very much to your post OP. I also made the decision not to have another relationship in my early 50's after a divorce and long term relationships. Adult sons had left home.

I felt the need for peace and quiet with as little stress as possible. Not particularly sociable, and with a 'rich inner life', I have been able to live life more on my terms with few demands and my own timetable, meeting my own needs.

I'm not a consumer but spend time refurbishing my property, gardening, renovating furniture, reading loads, baking, word puzzles/crosswords, writing, cinema, walking...simple pleasures, and have never been happier.

Years after my decision and I feel content. I see my family every few weeks, a special friend every weekend when we have good times, days/events/meals out...and another friend about 5-6 times a year.

It works for me. Life has been hectic, stressful in many ways in the past, but I've had a lot of great experiences and a lot of good times and fun. It's just different now. I wish to observe life, think and appreciate how lucky I have been in many ways [unlucky in others!]

I love nature, greenery, woods, fields, beaches, cliffs, dunes, birdsong, trees, plants, flowers...the concrete, commercial, competitive, plastic, rat race world does not appeal.

crystalize Fri 01-May-20 23:03:26

You're not alone OP! It seems there are quite a few of us kindred spirits out there. I'm 50 and more than happy with my own company. I was a bit of a party animal in my 20s to 30s with plenty of men thrown in! However looking back I think I was trying to fill a void within by my (sometimes destructive) lifestyle.

Becoming a single parent changed things for me. I started to travel more with my DS and became in awe of the great outdoors. I remember walking through my local park once and really noticing the sky, the blossom on the trees, the sound of the birds... and this incredible feeling swelled inside me. Like an awakening. It has grown from there.

Despite this I still used to have a longing for a special 'someone' in my life but it didnt happen. Then about 4 years ago when I was coming to terms with being by myself I met someone I thought was special. He turned out to be emotionally immature bordering on abusive. Since I ended this a few years ago I feel I have released that distant longing for someone and am so content now. Im very close to both of my DS and the great outdoors has rubbed off on them too. They are also independent and are happy in their own company.

I live in the suburbs of a major city but am counting down the days when we can move somewhere quiet and beautiful.

FeatherLook Sun 03-May-20 20:15:35

crystal, similar here. travelled more when had DS as single parent. grew in awe of the great outdoors too. it was always there: I remember being a child (around 8?) looking out the window when visiting someone's house in the country and being gently entwined and enchanted by the beauty in the garden. but such sensibility perhaps more hidden as a young woman focusing on other things ... music, dancing, sex ... all valid endeavours ... but at the same time missing the songbird in the bush whose beautiful and delicate aliveness took me aback one day when I was 45.

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