What would you do?

[famousforwrongreason]

I just posted about a situation with an ex. This is a separate post about someone else.
I had a full on intense relationship which dragged on too long and have now been split for a couple of months.
I purposely haven’t gone back online dating as I don’t think I’m ready now, or if I ever will again. Certainly not for a long time anyway as too much going on in my life, so I’m not consciously seeking out other people.
Anyway ...
There was a guy I fancied when I was single, a local connection, shared friends, interests and we’d meet by coincidence at a lot of local events and got on. Nothing else.
We then both started seeing other people as we’re both dating.
We both became single and had a very sporadic mild flirtation via messenger but it was very chaste and shortlived.
I then got back with my ex and it was a disaster and we ended. Since then me and the other guy have occasional brief convos. Always instigated by him and again, sporadic and if we bumped into each other irl we never mentioned it, as usually with our kids.
So recently he messaged me when very drunk, lockdown home drinking.
He then said he’d like to see me naked and I shut him down straight away. I wasn’t ready for it and he apologise immediately, and the next time he contacted me he said ‘no naked talk this time’ and we joked about it and that was the end of it and no communication since.
Lots of my friends are saying I should have gone for it and had some fun especially as I’d fancied him for a couple of years before and we are now both single.
But I was put off by the naked talk, maybe I’m over sensitive or wary since my ex was not transparent about sexual or communication with other women (& men) so my guard is up massively now and everything to do with men is a red flag.
So I think I’m right to be wary at this point .
But what if I’m wrong and my friends are right?
Is this perfect timing or is he just another sleaze?
Bizarrely he’s another ‘pillar of the community’ type just like my recent ex.

[GrannySlippersAreAStepTooFar]

Bad news, he's a sleaze.
Good news, you've recognised it and shut it down.

[gamerchick]

You're right, your friends aren't. You went with your instincts and that's ok.

[Menora]

Sleaze. Avoid!

[PumpkinP]

You were right op. Sounds like he's only after one thing

[CyberNan]

he asked for naked pics... how can that be right?

if you want to give send him the pics, then send them. you don't need validation from mumsnet posters to do that..

[famousforwrongreason]

Oh yay! That’s what I thought but my boundaries are needing some work atm and I’m in quite a fragile place so wasn’t sure if I was over reacting.

Most of my friends are a fair bit younger than me because I had kids and divorced in middle age my friendship circle is a lot of younger people from school runs and people I’ve met out socially because I still like going out dancing etc and most of my established older settled friends aren’t into it.
but even the friends my age, the single ones anyway, seem to be involved in several sexting relationships, sharing nudes, lingerie shots, tasteful news, full genitalia etc with people they haven’t met. This has always been the case for lots of people I know and lockdown seems to have made it more so as lots of them aren’t actually having sex so having virtual sex instead. I even know people who are meeting offline during this pandemic to have sex with strangers. Only one or two, but I digress.
It’s good really that he did this early on in our flirtation because it put me off and means I won’t be left wondering whether I missed a chance with him.
I just can’t get turned on by the kind of guy who sends messages like that to someone he hardly knows. Especially given his position in our town. Everybody knows him, he’s a very virtuous type and highly respected! On paper he’s a good un

[famousforwrongreason]

Sometimes @CyberNan , people do need validation from mumsnet , hence the aibu board and constant activity here.
Pfft.

[Opentooffers]

Given what you have recently gone through, I'd say it was extremely bad timing and you should take time out of dating for yourself to heal and sort through other stuff you said you had going on.

[Opentooffers]

Also, well done for shutting down the sleaze

[indemMUND]

Red flag, good on you for picking up on it. This one's a non starter. Says a lot about him and your reaction was right on the money.

[rvby]

When it comes to a relationship, there's no reason to do anything that doesnt make you feel safe and comfortable tbh.

Your friends can do whatever they like, you get to choose what you want to do.

[famousforwrongreason]

Thanks @Opentooffers I’m definitely not dating, this is a guy I know in real life, and have been ‘friends’ on soc media for a couple of years.
I’m not going anywhere with dating atm, well I literally can’t anyway but I need to (cliche alert) ‘work on myself’.

I have a disastrous history with men, based on a very traumatic childhood and no matter how I present myself I seem to be a magnet for exploitative men, (and friends) exactly what I saw growing up and I was also brought up by abusive people so despite having had lots of therapy, been to pattern changing etc I still get into weird relationships, even when the guys seem perfectly fine in the early days, something bad always crops up.

Now I’m a single mum I can’t afford to make myself vulnerable like that anymore and I’m doing lots of work to change my tolerance levels etc.

[NoMoreDickheads]

Well done for shutting him down- I like to think I would do the same now. If you get that spider sense/feeling of discomfort, act on it. I would be tempted to block now depending on how much of a bad feeling you had- I've blocked for less but it was relative strangers.

Other people might think it weird/wrong, but due to my bipolar I have to be extra careful, and maybe it's the same for you due to your history and being a single mum.

[famousforwrongreason]

@nomoredickheads I think you’re right. Having an anxious personality type means I often ignore my spidey senses because I don’t trust my instincts to be right.
If enough people tell you you’re just being paranoid you start to believe it.
Hence my feeling now that I’m really not ready for dating as I can ignore subtle red flags and blame it on my anxiety

[pictish]

I think if he was genuinely interested in you as any sort of potential girlfriend he'd have made it clear and gone to more effort long before now. The drunken naked remark was impulsive because he felt horny and his inhibitions were lowered...it's certainly no way to impress anyone whose opinion of him he cared about.

In short, he's a sleaze. Save your good self for someone who thinks you're wonderful.

[famousforwrongreason]

Yep you're right @pictish.
I need to learn to value myself more. I guess this is a good first test for me!

[Opentooffers]

You move in odd circles where it's given you the impression that lots of single people send naked pics to strangers. While it happens, it's not the norm and it's never a wise move, so don't get sucked into their ways. I'd take advice from these unwise people with a pinch of salt, they have already shown I'll judgement by their actions

[famousforwrongreason]

If, by odd circles you mean people who have grown up to use technology as second nature and where the norm is to start relationships/ hook ups predominantly through apps then yes, I guess you could say it’s odd.
For my age, married / long term settled friends it is definitely not the norm, but for the majority of my single friends it is really not unusual to conduct a large amount of the interaction via sexy photos and videos.

It is not particularly my ‘thing’ but it is something that I occasionally enjoy in the confines of a sexual relationship and never something I would do with strangers.
I know for a fact that this is something that is much more expected now in the current dating climate, maybe it depends on age group and people who either are very confident in themselves and are much more appearance focused or, conversely have lower self esteem send out pics for validation.
I have a huge age range of friends and in the twenties and thirties age group, lots of the women I know and ‘follow’ on instagram have photos of themselves in bikinis or tiny clothes and very much model shots.
I have a much younger sister and have been mortified at some of her public photos, the expectations and experiences are very different now.
It is very competitive and I think / know that there is a lot of pressure for some people from men to produce something highly titillating and akin to what they can view in pornography.
In the last month or so, have been sent a handful of pictures by women friends, either to me alone or in group chats, of them in various ‘seductive’ poses and asking for opinions prior to sending them to eager recipients.

[PumpkinP]

I’m sorry but I don’t agree, I’ve grown up with technology and it’s not normal to send strangers nude pics and videos. It really really isn’t the norm at all. Partners maybe (again something I’ve never done) but not strangers. The only ones I know who do that get paid for it!

[famousforwrongreason]

It's just different people's experiences. How do you know for a fact that out of every person you know there isn't someone who chats online to somebody it gets flirty and they send a naked or underwear pic?
Your knowledge doesn't define what everyone does and neither does mine. Nowhere do I say it's the norm for everyone.

[PumpkinP]

Well keep on insisting that it’s normal to send nude pics to strangers 🤷‍♀️ (it isn’t!)

[Khione]

sleaze

[famousforwrongreason]

Where have I insisted that? I came here specifically to say that I felt it a step too far and that other friends thought I'd been too hasty to shut him down.
I also said that many of my single dating friends, particularly the younger ones do this.
Afaik, none of them do it for money and all of the ones who do do it, do it in the context of on a consensual online dialogue. Not out of the blue or by force. Some of them might already be sleeping with the person but ii also know many of them who have not met the guy due to lockdown an things have escalated during texts and facetime.
I also said that many of my older settled friends do not do this and neither do I.
I have also had married and settled men message me and ask me for pictures.
It may be beyond your experience but beleiive me it is not rare.
Many school kids are bullied for precisely this reason so it's not even just adults and certainly not only done by people charging money for it.
But you keep insisting that the only people who do it are doing it as a financial transaction.

[NoMoreDickheads]

@famousforwrongreason I agree with you (of course ) that a lot of men in OLD for instance expect this. On PoF I found that they very quickly wanted us to move from messaging on the site to WhatsApp, and one of the main reasons IMHO is that they use that to try and get women to send pics.

I think it's a shame in a way that if a sleazy married guy asks us inappropriate stuff, we don't feel we could tell the wife, but I suppose we want to give the blokes the benefit of the doubt that they might stop doing it to women by themselves, IDK.

[famousforwrongreason]

@NoMoreDickheads thank god, I was starting to think I'd imagined it all
The ones who try to get you to move on to wattsapp and even worse, kik are definitely the married ones!
Most of the partnered up guys who contact me aren't married to people I know.
It's happened a few times with friend's partners and I've always told. The most recent one I was trying to work out how to tell her but she'd been snooping on his phone anyway.
We're still friends but I'm no longer welcome in their house. She has since found him doing the same to friends and strangers....