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Domestic Abuse Survivors - support needed

(12 Posts)
MeAndMyGirl Sun 16-Sep-07 19:58:43

Hi. I went back to my partner in January of this year after he violently assaulted me last November. He had been hitting me since our daughter was born in May 2005.
I have been uncertain whether I had made the right decision going back to him but I left him end of August as he was really aggressive towards me and also said he had slept with someone.
I had to leave the house in a hurry as I was scared so my daughter and I are living with my parents. He won't leave the house so I have got interdict and now exclusion order hopefully happening this week to get him from the house.
I have had to change my mobile no as he was calling me saying how sorry he was and how he did not sleep with anyone - he said it because he was angry.
Logically I know this is a pile of crap and I have to be strong and build a life for me and my daughter. I feel rock bottom at moment. I am 32 and feel my life is over. I still love him, ridiculous though it may seem, and I also hate him so much at the same time - he has destroyed our life together and I feel so low.
I know I am not the first or last person this has happened to and would really appreciate support as although I have great family and friends - they have not had this happen to them. Sorry for long story.

newlifenewname Sun 16-Sep-07 20:01:42

I'llsupport you because I feel many of the odd feelings towards my exdp that yu mention.

I'm feeling a bit pants this particular weekend because I'm jealous of a fling he is having and not coping with the rejection but ultimately I know he is a loser and that I need to forget about him forever.

americantrish Sun 16-Sep-07 20:14:32

first, i'm so sorry you've gone thru this. you did right by leaving again. know you did the right thing.
you are 32! your life is far from over! (i'm 31!)
have you sought out support from your GP/HV/ local women's services? Woman's Aid is fantastic and can offer advice. as can the Dove Project (if you google them, you'll find contact details.)
DV is a subject close to my heart...and something i feel strongly about.
Social services may also be able to help, as well as the police (as you didnt mention them being involved?)

make sure any joint accounts are contacted, so they know you arent living there, as well as your mortage/letting agents, bills, anyone you can think of.

also keep track of things he does now, it will be important if things come to court.

hang in there and keep strong. you did the right, wonderful thing to leave. for you and your little girl.

please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. you can and you WILL get thru this. even on the darkest days, know there is light. because its there. even if its dim. you did the first and hardest step, you walked out again. build up your support network online, and in person.
and do not do NOT take calls from him. see if you can get a non-molestation order against him if he pesters you.

post all you like. no one will judge. getting it out helps you cope.

hugs

americantrish Sun 16-Sep-07 20:15:13

oops! HUGS! (didnt mean that to have a strikethru!) xxxx

mamazon Sun 16-Sep-07 20:17:28

if you do a search on my name you will find many posts from me about my very abusive ex.

basicly from tehtime i fell pregnant with our DS he was physically and sexually abusive to me, often in front of our son. i left when my DD was 10 weeks old.
Dd turns 3 on tuesday.

I still have a battle between my head and my heart. i am fighting to prevent him having acces to my children (there are a great number of other factors involved, not least my sons Autism) and in my head i hate him.....but i know that if he came to my door and gave me teh sob story i have heard so many times before there is a chance i would let him in again.

You do need to be strong, but you need to know that your feelings of love towards him are still very normal indeed. do not feel guilty, just don't allow them to take presidence over your head.

You are doing everything as you should be. i totally understand what you mean about not feeling you can properly discuss how your feeling with friends and family as they have no real experiance. you should try and get in touch with your local DV unit at the police station. they would be able to put you in touch with some local support groups. i found that they really helped. it was liek a motehrs meeting but without the worry of awkward questions, or trying to keep your emotions under control, and even just not mentioning ex partners.

i didn't go to mine for almost 2 years after i left and i wish i had found thems ooner.

But of course please continue posting here, i am not on as often as i used to but i will gladly stay in touch to listen to any concerns you may have

sparkybabe Sun 16-Sep-07 20:18:20

I agree with trish - your life can only get better (slowly I know) but it is not over. You do not love him - you think you do because you have nothing else, but once you fill the bastard-shaped hole in your life you will realise.
<hugs>

mamazon Sun 16-Sep-07 20:20:30

and as for your life being over.....hun your life is just beginning!

you have finally moved on from a life of misery to one where you can be your own boss.

it may be a few weeks it may well be a few years but in time you will find yourself again....not mummy to your daughter, not wife to your ex, not victim of DV...but YOU.

YOU have the power to direct your life in any way you want to now. you have shown just how string you are by escaping this man and moving forward in your life.


today really is the start of a fantastic violance free life for you and your daughter

sparkybabe Sun 16-Sep-07 20:23:43

mamazon - you must be quite string with a name like that!

UCM Sun 16-Sep-07 20:26:26

I spent at least 3 years of my life getting over my 'wonderful lovely ex, who really loved me you know. He really did, just not on the occasions I ended up in hospital through his madness'. It does take time and for a long time, I thought that I would never be 'loved' like it again. It was very intense. Lots of I love yous and lovely behaviour followed by a brief bout of living in Hell. The only thing I regret is that I still thought that I loved this man for that long after it had ended.

I know you have to grieve for your relationship, but my only advice is please don't grieve for too long. When you do meet someone good and normal, you may not realise it at first as you will not be used to their behaviour. I nearly missed my DH as I thought he wasn't loving enough. I now realise that smothering you with love isn't normal and 11 years later I am so happy.

It will come to you one day, be patient though as you have a few miles to walk yet. Good luck and if you ever want to talk to someone who has walked a few miles in your shoes sarfend at hotmail dot co uk and i will be more than happy to buoy you up when your confidence hits a low. UCM.x

j20baby Sun 16-Sep-07 20:28:02

meandmy-i left dd's dad when she was 18 months old after he physically and mentally abused me, it was one of the hardest decisions i made, but once i'd gone, that was it, there was no going back, it was very hard for a while, i missed him and wondered if i'd made the right decision. now dd is 7.5 and i know now, if i hadn't have left, i'd probably be dead or he would.

take each day as it comes, and think about all the things that you are going to be able to do, i learnt to drive, went back to college and got 2 A levels and various other things.

as someone else said, it is the start of a whole new life for you

Shoshable Sun 16-Sep-07 20:39:50

Oh my love, your at the bottom, now the only way is up.

26 years ago, my husband was a alcoholic, and a gambler, as well as violent. I had a 2 year old Ds and had just lost second DS at 2 days old, he was 10 weeks early and had spina bifida. I Husband had knocked me across the floor two days before I went into labour.

I stayed with him, repeatedly being beaten, with no money even for heating or food at times.

When my son was 3 my husband put me over a banister, I came to, to hear my Ds saying 'Leave my mummy alone'

I walked out.

After a few days I went back, I could have stayed with my parents, but although it was a council house, it was my home.

I plucked up all my courage and told him I was divorcing him.

we lived in the same house for 9 months, during which time I had to fight for benefits, prove we were not living together, put up with all sorts of verbal abuse. Finally at Christmas he went to far and hit me again. I called the police, he was locked up and a injunction put in place, stating he was not allowed within 500 yards of me. In effect he had to leave the house.

It took forever to get the divorce in those days, you had to have the custody in place before you could get the divorce, he never wanted Ds but fought me all the way just cos he could.

I thought my life was over. It was hard, very hard, I never got any maintenance, worked all sorts of hours, (I was lucky my parents helped with childcare)

I was 25 and going nowhere, so I went back to school, I was already a nursery nurse so trained a a TA so that it fitted in with school, Child minded before and after school.

Now Ds is 28, married a qualified electrician, and I am really proud of him.

Me Im 48, remarried 7 years ago, to a man who couldnt be more different, still a childminder, own two flats, and as happy as I could be.

The time in between? Some of it was tough, most of it was brill, I learnt to be me, to stand on my own two feet, and get where I am on my own.

I have never never regretted leaving him.

mamazon Sun 16-Sep-07 20:48:04

Im not as strong as i could be.

i left and went to a refuge. the house welived in was owned by his family friend, all his family lived within a mile of our house and would have made my life a misery.

when i came out of the refuge i felt guilty for teh fact the children hadn't seen their father. i took them to see him.
he followed me back to the house i was living in, he beat me over and over again, when teh refuge people were told of teh polce being called by neighbours i lied and covered for him.

it took another 6-8 months before i finally managed to leave.

We all have relapses. some are bigger than others.
you don't need to stay strong...you need to stay aware of what it was that made you leave.

people will give you lots of different advice and klots of opinions. accept it all, listen to it all...then sift through and do what is right for YOU.

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