Time to finish this mess of a marriage

[Stinginthetail]

Hello,

I'm not sure I'm even separated yet. I've decided that after 19 years of marriage I've had enough. Probably at least the last 11 of those he's been regularly using craigslist, fabswingers etc to post indecent photos of himself, converse with other women (and men) and try and get hook ups. I thought all was ok after his last misdemeanor last June when yet again I gave him one last chance. I thought all was ok in lock down, we were getting along all fine. But there's always that niggling doubt and we had a big row (nothing to do with this) and I looked at his google photos. There about 2 weeks back were some dick pics. I know they weren't on his phone (he obviously thought he'd deleted them). When I confronted him about it he said I was lying - even though I said I could prove it. He said the pics were from ages ago, last year. Until I said we only moved that rug over to that spot after lockdown. He tried to gaslight me and tell me I was wrong and we'd moved it ages ago. I just gave up caring then. I've told him he's a liar and even though I can't prove he was back conversing online with other women and sending them dick picks he wouldn't have taken those pics for no reason. He said he didn't know why he took them but said he's not done anything. Anyway over 2 weeks now in separate beds and rooms (we have a spare thankfully) and I've been through all the crying and anger and now I'm just resigned to us splitting up. On the face of it he's a good husband and great dad. He cooks great food, tidies up, cleans and I always felt he did love me (otherwise I wouldn't have stayed) but clearly there's something not right in his head. Last year I found 3 secret email addresses some going back 4 years with varying emails that really turned my stomach. I've been rereading them this past couple of weeks and making myself wake up to this man. He's not going to change. Why take dick pics if you've no intention of sending them. I joined fabswingers myself with the bare minimum info to see if i could see him on there and I had over 50 messages from men sending me dick pics within 24 hours. We have 2 beautiful kids and a beautiful home. We both work full-time. I earn a bit more than him (he's currently furloughed with a worry of redundancy). I feel like we both need to be happy and clearly I can't be making him happy if he continues to behave like this. He's certainly not making me happy by carrying on like this. I don't know the point to my post. There's little I can do right now so we're talking but he's not said sorry nor really tried to explain. I'm just working and hanging out with my daughter in the evening while my son is in his bedroom on his xbox and DH sits in another room watching tv on his own. The biggest worry is telling people. It all seems OK while we're on lockdown but telling my parents and friends. I just find it really hard. My parents will be heartbroken. We'll need to sell the house and I really love my home. Still, my happiness (and the kids) must take priority. I just wanted to write this all down and I'd like to hear from others that have had similar experiences. Nice, caring DH who are good around the house and with the kids but just addicted to porn, sexting and sex sites.

[karma1979]

Wow that's tough. Lies and deceit are no basis for a healthy relationship no matter how much he cooks and tidies! Yeah I think you've outgrown your marriage... I'm in process of divorce myself- would have been 19 years next month. I grieved my marriage breakdown but not because I still wanted to be married, just maybe an outdated idea that marriage means forever and that I had in some way failed. 2 kids and they are totally fine with it, surprised more than anything at first as we never had rows. Also dreaded telling family and friends but they were/are so supportive and I needn't have worried. Yes the financial stuff is a bit scary but having had time and space to reflect I feel I did "put up with" and accept stuff I knew wasn't quite right for a long time. Sounds like you're the same. You deserve happiness and doesn't sound like this man can give you that anymore. I don't know if you've tried relationships counselling- could that help?

[RandomMess]

I doubt he is capable of change unless he really wants to, he will just get better at hiding it.

Counselling for you which can be done on line would help you?

[HidingFromCorona]

I'm going to send you a PM

[category12]

My ex was like this. It's the gaslighting that's the very worst thing, I think, trying to make you doubt yourself in the face of the obvious. It really fucks with your head. I got to a similar point where I thought, "I'm done" and I was. Have never regretted ending things.

[JustOneGlass]

I could have written this. I really feel for you. We are separated, but cohabiting because he is a great dad. Its unbelievably gutting when you find this other life. He swears he loves me and it’s his problem, not mine. But it’s the lying I can’t get over and never want to put myself in this position again. Our two DCs are very young. When they both start school I will restart my career and we can afford to live separately. Not ideal, but I’m quite stuck atm. He knows my feelings and (has finally) come to respect my choice. I hope someone with more insight/experience can help you/me out.