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so who thinks i was in the wrong?

(58 Posts)
nappyaddict Sun 16-Sep-07 19:31:19

ok so the deal is my friend really fancied this bloke. i didn't fancy him at all but then after i got to know him i realised i was starting to fall for him too. i didn't tell him or her although i did try to bring the subject up with her and make a few hints but she didn't catch on.

anyway last night we all went out and then went back to his. everyone was going to bed and he disappeared so i told my friend to go and find him. she wouldn't so i did and sort of never went back. we chatted for hours and he told me he'd liked me since the first time he met me which was about 2 months ago. he'd been told my friend liked him but he didn't like her.

now his friend who liked me and my friend have gone off in a strop and i'm really worried she's not going to talk to me ever again.

i know there's like some unwritten law that says you shouldn't go after anyone your mate likes, but it seemed a bit stupid to me that 2 people who really like one another are unhappy just to please 2 people who like them when neither of us likes them back.

a few people i've asked have been like omg i can't believe you did that but one has said you can't go through life just trying to please others. and that's the way i see it but it seems a little bit selfish.

i'm ready for all your opinions, just hit me with them!

NAB3 Sun 16-Sep-07 19:38:50

Mmm, hard one. I agree that there is no point not going out with him just to please your mate. If she was a true friend she would be happy for you. You aren't in the playground now.

ConnorTraceptive Sun 16-Sep-07 19:39:47

Think that code only aplies when you 15 wink

No seriously there was nothing happening between this guy and your friend and he hadn't led her to believe he liked her so I don't think you've behaved badly.

Your friends pride is dented so be gentle with her. I'm sure she'll come round

LoveMyGirls Sun 16-Sep-07 19:45:50

How good a friend is she, was there any hope at all for them or is he really not into her at all? I think life is too short to be unhappy and if she is a true friend she will want you to be happy though may be annoyed at first.

fwiw I met my dp through a friend of mine they had known each other for years and she was having a long term relationship with his friend, they were an on, off type couple and once when it was off she had a 1 night stand with my dp (before he was my dp) then she went back to her dp, a few months after the 1 night stand, knowing she wasn't going to leave her dp we ended up sleeping together, it took me 6mths to admit it to her and by then even though i'd known her 10yrs i felt he was worth the risk of her having a go at me (NOT THAT SHE HAD MUCH GROUNDS TO COMPLAIN AS SHE WAS BACK WITH HER DP) oops didnt mean caps. Anyway 6 yrs on and we're still friends, i'm still with dp. (she split with her dp in the end though!) Just shows things can work out ok. When i told her she did say "ok but it doesn't stop me fancying him, i said ok but as we're living together you're not allowed to touch and she laughed grin

nappyaddict Sun 16-Sep-07 19:46:30

yeah but the problem is i'm only 19 so maybe the rule still applies?

never really agreed with the rule back then mind you. i've fell out with other friends over similar issues cos imo unless you are actually in a proper relationship with the person you can't dictate who your friends can and cannot like.

skidoodle Sun 16-Sep-07 19:47:02

Connor's right, if you're 18 or over the "I liked him first rule" doesn't apply.

I can see why she's upset though - she was there, you disappeared and never came back, she was presumably a bit blindsided by the development. So yeah, be gentle with her. I'm sure she'll come around when her pride is not a bit bruised.

LoveMyGirls Sun 16-Sep-07 19:48:20

I was 19 when my situation happened, must be your age wink lol!

nappyaddict Sun 16-Sep-07 19:52:11

she's my bestest bestest bestest friend. there was no hope at all for them. he said no offence to me cos she's my friend but he'd never be interested in her.

in a way i couldn't believe i was almost choosing him over her when she's my best friend and i've known him 2 months. i never would have done it if i'd thought it was only going to be a casual thing, but i know he really wants a relationship and so do i, so fingers crossed and touch wood i reckon something will actually come of this. and cos of that it seemed silly to give up what could potentially be the love of my life. i know that's a bit farfetched at this stage but hypothetically if in years to come we were still together i'd look back and think if i'd followed a stupid rule i'd have never found this happiness.

wow can you tell i REALLY like him!!

LoveMyGirls Sun 16-Sep-07 19:53:33

Exactly the same as my story!

nappyaddict Sun 16-Sep-07 19:57:09

well i've text her today and she hasn't replied

the thing is nothing actually happened so she hasn't really got anything to be upset over. we just chatted, had a cuddle and then fell asleep. but neither of us wants to leave it at that but what do i do if she turns round and says if you go out with him i'm never going to talk to you again. obviously i can't choose a relationship with someone which could last only a few months over a friendship which is hopefully going to last forever. although i suppose you could say the length of a friendship is just as uncertain as a relationship so its not better to choose one over another.

ShinyHappySchmooo Sun 16-Sep-07 19:58:48

Why did you tell you friend to go after him? If you like him enough to go after him instead and "sort of never go back", as happened,I don't understnad why you would encourage her in the first place?

This may be me though. It all sound horribly complicated and maybe I'm just too old and boring to advise!

Budababe Sun 16-Sep-07 19:58:59

I think you need to talk to her and explain exactly how you feel.

sunshinegirl Sun 16-Sep-07 20:05:19

I can understand how you feel NA, as you say if things work with this guy then in years to come you will be glad you carried on

BUT... they might not work out

AND... she is your best mate who will hopefully be there for you thru good and bad

SO... I really think you should talk this through with her, explain your feelings and that nothing has happened so far and see what happens. I'm sure that once she has heard what you have to say and the dust has settled she will settle down. Can you go and see her and have a chat face to face?

Good luck smile

fuzzywuzzy Sun 16-Sep-07 20:06:12

Well you did tell ehr to go find him but she didn't want to.

Let her cool down a little, and speak to her again, it would be silly of her to refuse to allow you to go out with him if she doesn't stand a chacne at all (according to him).

nappyaddict Sun 16-Sep-07 20:06:29

because we just wanted him to come back and chat with us. i wasn't telling her to go after him because i wanted something to happen between them particularly i just couldn't be bothered to find him myself. like i said i didn't even know he liked me and i wouldn't have ever done anything to try and get him to like me just cos i liked him cos of my friend. that would be harsh. but as he said he already liked me and didn't like her it altered things in my mind.

nappyaddict Sun 16-Sep-07 20:08:29

sunshine girl thats the thing thats going through my other mind lol. my head is split in 2 atm.

Twiglett Sun 16-Sep-07 20:08:37

and exactly how old is everyone in this scenario .. cos you sound about 14

nappyaddict Sun 16-Sep-07 20:09:37

not much older. 19 as said further down.

Twiglett Sun 16-Sep-07 20:12:13

that's fine then

its your age

no biggy

you'll get over and through it

just ride it out

make a big play of how much she means to you as a friend and you hope she doesn't want to throw away your relationship blah blah blah

LoveMyGirls Sun 16-Sep-07 20:13:58

Give it a couple of weeks, she will calm down and be onto the next one (hopefully) and she will be past caring smile

Just text her and say you're sorry if she feel's you have over stepped the mark that you didn't intend for it to turn out like that and of course your friendship qwith her means much more that seeing this bloke. Sort your friendship with her first then go out for a drink with him when things have calmed down. Or you could do what i did which was tell her you're just friends ( as long as you're not sleeping with him she can't complain) then let things naturally run thier course with him, if like me you end up in bed with him, keep it quiet until you feel she needs to know.

With me, he was practically living with me, we were just friends - everyone kept saying "you two are sleeping together etc" we denied and denied (we weren't!), i think they knew we were meant to be together before we did, even our parents said it and we were both saying nah no way then out of the blue it hit us and we've been together ever since.

nappyaddict Sun 16-Sep-07 20:18:03

hmmm she's not really the type to move onto the next one in a few weeks. thats more my style grin

her problem is she obsesses over these guys without ever bothering to show how she feels so even if they did like her they wouldn't know she did and if they didn't she wouldn't find out and wastes months obsessing over them.

i think the pretending we are friends thing would torture us. we often all go out as a big group so it would be quite hard to keep it from her and i feel that would be worse if she then found out about it from someone else.

so would him coming over later not be the best idea?

ShinyHappySchmooo Sun 16-Sep-07 20:19:50

Don't take this the wrong way NA.. it isn't meant in a negative way I promise.. but it sounds as if you don't really fancy him.. you just "went along with it" (I know you didn't sleep with him) once you found out he fancied you.

You don't have to do this, be so flattered by his attention that you "give it a go"; issues regarding your friend aside (and particularly if you do consider the issue with your friend.) From your posts you sound a lovely person and there will be plenty of guys out there who you fancy right off.. and who will like you too. Much more than you do this bloke.

Just the opinion of an oldie.

LoveMyGirls Sun 16-Sep-07 20:21:26

I would just be mates with him, its the best foundation for a long term relationship anyway, sex blurs things alot.

nappyaddict Sun 16-Sep-07 20:25:17

i had had that idea, i'll be the first to admit that i'll make myself try and be more interested in someone if they already fancy me cos its much easier than trying to get someone to fancy you back. i don't think its the case this time though. recently we've been chatting loads on msn and facebook and if it popped up saying i had got a message from him i would get excited (sad i know) and that was when as far as i was concerned he just saw me as a friend. and also i wouldn't risk all this with my friend if i didn't really like him and thought a future together was never going to happen.

i think the difference is she fancied him from the off cos she was physically attracted to him, whereas i tend to take a while to realise i like someone cos its their personality that wins me over.

nappyaddict Sun 16-Sep-07 20:26:01

oh know, i don't want to sleep with him yet. i want to take things really really really slowly. but i do want to be able to hold hands and kiss him and just generally show affection.

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