I've seen a couple of threads recently where posters have said how damaging it is for children and it's made me confused. I grew up in an abusive home and always told myself that I'd never stay with someone "for the sake of the children", but my partner is not abusive and our children will be devestated if we split up.
These are the reasons I want to leave:
I've felt unhappy and neglected for years. Starting with when DC was born. He encouraged me to give up my job, which I did and that was my choice but I was unhappy with the decision and regret it. Every time I mention looking for work he tells me I don't need to, we don't need the money (we don't). Pre-covid he was going to start WFH a few days a week. I asked him which days because on those days he told me he would be able to do school runs so I wanted to find work that would coordinate with that. He kept being vague and fobbing me off and again would say I don't need to worry about working. Not the end of the world, I could still look for a job and arrange childcare but his lack of cooperation and support frustrates me. Then covid happened and that's put that on hold for now.
Another reason I felt unsupported when first dc was born was his to refusal to help with housework. I was tired and recovering from a difficult birth, dc1 wasn't an easy baby, and I found it hard to keep on top of things. I suggested a rota and he swore at me (called me a c*nt, the only time he's used that word to me in our 13 year relationship) and we had a big argument and I dropped it. Nowadays he will load/unload the dishwasher and occasionally run the hoover around. He cooks for himself as he has special dietary requirements.
He has a huge amount of stuff. He will buy more stuff, like food, clothes, crockery, as well as gadgets and bits for himself, without checking if we have any in already or anywhere to put it. He has been stockpiling food and toiletries long before it was a thing, but out of laziness. I stopped putting his laundry away because I was sick of being the only one to do it. He bought more clothes rather than sort through his pile in the utility room. We moved to a bigger house four years ago and every available space is crammed with stuff. The sheer volume of things in the house gets me down. There just isn't room. I was in Sainsbury's last week looking a bowl imagining how nice it would be to live in a small, uncluttered house just me and dc, with a normal amount of crockery and a place for everything to be stored, rather than every cupboard overflowing and every shelf and available space being covered in crap.
We don't have an intimate relationship. He stopped initiating sex years ago. Then I had a relapse of a teenage eating disorder and he told me how unattractive I was, a lot. (His lack of interest began before that). Now I've put on some weight, he seems to find me attractive again but I hate the thought of sleeping with him. We don't kiss.
I think he's an irresponsible parent. He will let our DC (5 and 7) stay up late playing computer games or watching TV, then lose his temper if they're still awake at 2am and say they need medication. They aren't the best sleepers but obviously this would keep most kids awake. (This has happened when I've fallen asleep early).
That stuff aside, we get on ok, and he loves our dc and they him. We have a nice home. We even hold conversation sometimes these days (after years of him more or less ignoring me - not in a cold shoulder way, he was busy with work, golf and fishing in his free time and on his phone in bed). We can rub along fine mostly, though he can have a temper. I think he is happy. DC are happy. It's just me that's unhappy. I know some of the issues I've mentioned are quite trivial (housework and clutter) and some are my own fault (giving up my job, eating disorder). So should I suck it up, find a job and focus on that until the children are older? Truthfully I could carry on but I miss feeling wanted and loved, and I don't want him which I know is unfair on him.
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Relationships
Is it wrong to end a relationship when you have dc and there's no abuse?
NancyDrewAPicture · 29/04/2020 16:03
He's stopping you working, he doesnt do his fair share of housework, or parenting and when you ask him to, he calls you a cunt. He doesn't want to have sex with you, has belittled and insulted you when he knows you have an eating disorder.
Start realising that this is in fact, abuse. I guess when things just creep in, you don't notice just how toxic it really is.
Re read your post. Let it sink in. Now picture what you really want. Start getting your ducks in a row because you need to leave and ideally you'll do it on your own terms
No, dont stay for the kids.
Kids need to see models of healthy, loving relationships.
Good luck with your plans to leave.
Oh Nancy.
And if I bit my tongue more then I don't think we'd argue, so it could work if I tried
That's where my thinking was with my ex. Still is to a certain extent. My worry is that you are unable to be yourself. I know I was.
It's sobering to read that you think it's down to you to try. I believed that too. But you can't do the work of two people. It's impossible. I made myself quite ill just from trying and trying and trying.
He has to want to change, to work with you, otherwise your relationship is likely dead in the water.
Oh and ex told me I'd let myself go after the birth of our second child. Sex life was non existent. He called me names once or twice as well. So I hear you and I relate so so much.
Please put you and the children first. Think carefully re work as it may be better to look for a job when you are mentally sorted, then again, if you're not in a mad rush...
Please don't hang on and on in the hope it'll get better without some concrete deadlines, success markers. Don't be me and let yourself be fobbed off by vague promises, denials the works.
You are stronger than you think
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