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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

In a relationship but in love with another man

14 replies

Redemptionsong1 · 29/04/2020 12:37

Hi guys, I'm looking for some advice or if anyone has been through this. So I have a partner who is the father to my 3 year old child. Before I met my partner I was seeing some other fella just for a few months, I knew him from being a friend of my family, anyway when my brother heard about it he wasn't happy so we put a stop to it. Not long after I met my current partner I fell pregnant straight away, he is a good person and treats me well but for the past year I've been thinking about the other man every day, I just want to be with him but feel bad to leave my partner because he hasn't done anything wrong and I don't know if we will even be able to be together bcs of what happened before with my brother but I just don't want anyone else and love this other man, I feel like I'm going mad in the head thinking about someone who I can't be with and who probably will be afraid to be with me because of what happened before or maybe isn't interested in me anymore! Has anyone else had this happen to them before or am I just mad in the head 🙈 I would never cheat on my partner or start talking to this other man until I finished with my partner, just looking for some advice on what to do or how to snap myself out of thinking like this, I know the grass isn't always greener but I just feel I will be happier with this other man. Thanks if anyone has any advice 😊

OP posts:

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category12 · 29/04/2020 12:43

Why has your brother had a say in who you are with?

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Redemptionsong1 · 29/04/2020 12:44

Well this other person is the same age as my brother and he is a few years older than me, they would be in the same group of friends.

OP posts:

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category12 · 29/04/2020 12:46

And?

I don't get it.

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SuperbMonkey · 29/04/2020 12:49

@category12, please don’t insult your partner by staying with him out of pity and because you are patronising him. Leave him and let him find happiness with someone who actually loves him. There will be other women out there who are at least as attractive, clever, funny, wise, sexy etc as you, with whom he can have a lovely life and more children if he wishes. In the meantime you get what you want, your fantasy life with this other man. It’s a win-win, isn’t it? Your poor partner.

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Redemptionsong1 · 29/04/2020 12:50

Yea my brother wasn't happy the first time we got together so he stopped things between us, I'm wondering do you think I should tell this other man how I'm feeling or just leave it and hope I will stop thinking about him eventually?

OP posts:

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category12 · 29/04/2020 12:52

I'm really not doing any of that, superbmonkey .

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MizMoonshine · 29/04/2020 12:59

Before you do anything at all with this other man, you need to own up to your partner. You owe him that much. You have formed a relationship and a family with him, knowing that you had feelings for someone else.
You need to put his feelings first now. Let him know how you're feeling and decide how he wants to go forward with his life. Then go back to your issues with the other man and your brother.

Honestly your brother needs to grow up. If two adults have feelings for each other, it doesn't matter that he is a friend of your brother, he has no business in it.

But you need to deal with your current relationship first.

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Loveabitofrain · 29/04/2020 13:02

I would just say it is a fantasy. You THINK you will be happier. Its a pipe dream. I would take a long hard look at what you have got, See if you can save it and if not leave. But don't get caught up in day dreaming about a guy you really barely know. Likely to be a car crash x

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PippaPegg · 29/04/2020 13:08

So you're comparing the other man who you only got to the early relationship stage with, against the father of your kids who has supported you through 3 years of ups and downs?

Give it 3 years with the other man it would be just as boring as it is now except you'd basically be a single parent

Great

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calllaaalllaaammma · 29/04/2020 13:11

Well in a way the other man had to choose between you and his friendship with your brother and he chose your brother. He didn't fight very hard to keep your relationship going when he had the chance.
Maybe things are going wrong in the relationship that you have now and this is a kind of escape fantasy.

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CASCASCAS · 29/04/2020 13:54

last piece of advice is very good

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Flower34 · 29/04/2020 13:57

Have you been with the other man for long enough to know him well? It sounds like limerance OP 💐

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Greatdomestic · 29/04/2020 14:00

Hi op

In my view, this is a fantasy, and you think if your brother hadn't stepped in you would be together and blissfully happy.

But it did end, and as another poster has pointed out. He chose the friendship with your brother, NOT you.

And I'm guessing if your brother had this view,he thought that you could better. The people we choose as friends aren't always the ones we would want our siblings loved up with.

Take a good look at what you have and don't blow it for a fantasy. End your relationship if it's not working but not god that guy.

Good luck.