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Am I being deluded to give this another try?

(18 Posts)
serendipity909 Wed 29-Apr-20 07:43:42

I feel like I am not thinking straight and I probably need some unbiased outsider perspective. I have asked for advice here before but it feels like things have developed since then. I really appreciate the advice given here.

I have been married to my husband for almost 9 months, I had wanted to postpone the wedding largely due to bereavements I had suffered and also we had started living together in the year running up to the wedding, we had been having some quite bad fights etc. My now husband gave me an ultimatum or marry or he leaves me.

We have been getting along okay sometimes, less good at times and things the past 3 months have been tragic mostly. He had left at my request as I couldn't do it anymore.

I told him whilst he was away that it was definitely over for me, but he turned up at the house and I was having a weak moment I guess and I took him back. We've since clashed again and I once again felt like it should end, but due to the lock down he said he wouldn't go until it was over.

Last night we had a big chat but we ended up basically saying we did miss each other and maybe we could try again. He has always been for making things work, whereas I am holding a lot of resentment for his ultimatum. I don't know how to work past it and he says now I have to move on.

Our other issues essentially stem from him having a short fuse with differing opinions to him (In a nutshell) and I am incredibly non confrontational and timid/generally easy going. We have fights (Where he basically raises his voice etc and I say very little) it feels like there is little hope for how we are. He spoke to a counsellor online this week, and says he is going to keep this up in the hope that he can sort his issues with anger out.

Am I being deluded into thinking this can work? I feel like I would miss him, but I also felt like I was resolved that it was over. Him coming back and being here to stay has made things really confusing, as he has been acting really nicely to me. Part of me wonders if he is just determined to wear me down no matter what, as it never felt like he listened and heard me when I said it was over.

OP’s posts: |
Whataloadofshite Wed 29-Apr-20 07:47:06

You can ask him to leave during lockdown, and you should. Don't be his doormat.

Whataloadofshite Wed 29-Apr-20 07:48:45

He's clearly using lockdown as an excuse to wear you down too. Don't let him do that, it's coercive abuse.

Inconnu Wed 29-Apr-20 07:49:26

This is a tricky one OP. You describe yourself as "incredibly non confrontational and timid" so it's hard for us to tell if the fights are fairly 'normal' for a couple and you are over reacting a bit, or if his behaviour is unacceptable (eg shouting at you, swearing at you, intimidation etc). Maybe counselling will help you manage your styles of conflict better?

His ultimatum over the wedding was a red flag though.

Gobbycop Wed 29-Apr-20 08:06:25

The ultimatum was crazy. Like trapping you.

It sounds like the build up to the wedding and everything after has been a right slog.

The most positive thing I can see is you saying is "We have been getting along okay sometimes"

I appreciate that relationships aren't always dancing through the meadow but christ, if that's the best you ever feel being with this guy then I think you should set your sights higher.

Plus the anger issue doesn't sound great.

Shoxfordian Wed 29-Apr-20 08:10:29

Yeah you shouldn't have married him, it doesn't seem like a good relationship at all. Don't get back with him op

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 29-Apr-20 08:18:34

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
How is it that you are describing yourself as "non confrontational and timid"; where did all that start with you?. (At home most likely).

You told him to leave and he did only to come back again, he cannot respect any of your boundaries. I doubt very much he will leave at all quietly even after any lockdown ends. Do not remain his doormat here.

Couples counselling too is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Also abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack thereof, its about power and control and this man seems to want absolute over you. And he has a problem with anger but not in the ways you think, he has a problem with you calling him out on his behaviours. I would also think he does not treat anyone else in the outside world like he treats you either. Image to outsiders is all important to such men after all.

Is this sort of life the life you envisaged for yourself?. Make a better life for yourself and do not take him back again. I would seek legal advice asap re divorce.

Nicolastuffedone Wed 29-Apr-20 08:29:12

You’re deluded. Get rid.

PicsInRed Wed 29-Apr-20 08:54:26

Google the "Cycle of Abuse" OP

serendipity909 Wed 29-Apr-20 09:31:08

I can definitely take things to heart more than I should sometimes as I'm quite sensitive, but I feel like I've learned the past few years how to better gauge my expectations.

A lot of our rows really do come from disagreements where we don't have the same perspective and where I just see it as it's interesting to be different he sees red and gets far too angry.

If he improved on this through counselling I think that would be doable. He told me last night that I have to stop using the wedding against him but I truly don't know how to get past it. I have so much anger towards his ultimatum and the effect it has had on my own grieving process too. I'm not an angry person either so I know it is seriously an issue to me. We are married now and he got his way so there's no way for me to get what I need.

I think I have always been a people pleaser. There was quite a lot of trauma and grief in my family growing up and I always felt it, so I tried hard to make people smile and feel happy.

OP’s posts: |
Whataloadofshite Wed 29-Apr-20 09:44:37

You were co-erced into marriage, that's why you can't get over it. You need to leave. Or ask him to - if he won't then call the police.

Thingsdogetbetter Wed 29-Apr-20 09:52:42

You express an opinion and he argues you down. He rides roughshod over you're attempt at boundaries and either issues ultimatums or downright refusals. You express concerns and he tell you to move on - basically shut up and accept.

You can try all you want to make him smile and be happy by complying and never have a different perspective or raising concerns, but it won't make him happy. His default setting is anger. The only way to make him 'happy' is for you to be quietly miserable.

He's a big pool of angry lava - you've already been forced in once, does it seem logical to jump back in?

If he really wants to learn to manage his anger he needs to spend years resetting his personality. It's a slow process. Why would you put yourself through years of misery on the off chance 1. he means it rather than using it as a way to manipulate you into staying or 2. the off chance it'll be successful?
He wants to change he does it away from you and only comes back when he can prove he has - if you're still interested.

Anydreamwilldo12 Wed 29-Apr-20 10:33:39

'He sees red and gets far too angry' just because you have a different opinion to him. You know this isn't good OP. Get out now before he ruins your life.

MashedPotatoBrainz Wed 29-Apr-20 10:49:29

I can definitely take things to heart more than I should sometimes as I'm quite sensitive, but I feel like I've learned the past few years how to better gauge my expectations.

What do you mean by this? In my experience people who are 'sensitive' and 'take things to heart' are usually perfectly normal people dealing with bullies who're trying to minimise their bullying.

category12 Wed 29-Apr-20 10:56:45

The bar for marriage/being in a relationship is not doable.

Largely, your relationship should make you happy. You should enjoy each other's company. You should fancy each other. You should get on most of the time. You should look forward to seeing each other and miss each other when apart. It should be a positive and bring good things into your life, not be an endurance test or doable.

CodenameVillanelle Wed 29-Apr-20 11:25:06

Missing somebody when you've been with them for a while and have to stop seeing them is perfectly normal and understandable. However too many people take it as a sign that they should get back with the person they miss.
When you end a relationship you WILL miss them at times no matter how bad it may have got. You have to accept the feeling, engage with the sadness and live with it until it passes, not go backwards into the relationship again just to make the sadness go away.

fuckoffImcounting Wed 29-Apr-20 16:10:39

He is controlling you with his anger OP because he does not want you to ever disagree with him. When you are completely compliant in that area he will move on to controlling you further. Mostly what he will learn from counselling is better ways to manipulate you. He is a controlling abuser and you should get him out of your life. Loads of good men out there why settle for one of these throwbacks. He will bring misery to your door

AgentJohnson Thu 30-Apr-20 08:13:30

I think you need to accept that your best interest and his, aren’t aligned.

He isn’t prepared to give you space which means you have to insist on taking it. He clearly knows that wearing you down is the way to get you to comply. That’s not a partnership.

No one is going to rescue you and this man, sure as hell is not interested in your feelings or opinions.

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