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Please help me(39 Posts)
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Where to begin. I am a 47 year old mother of 4 and met my partner 2 years ago. At the time little did I know he was an addict, and I a compulsive liar and a thief. I did wonder why most of his family don't talk to him really but I just never questioned it. He also only has 1 friend which I thought bizarre. After a few weeks together he admitted to me that he was a cocaine addict, but was well into recovery. The irony is that I am a trained drugs counsellor and I accepted that he was telling the truth. It soon transpired that he was still actively using when he stole money from my food shopping bank account, stole my children's money boxes, and constantly lied and stole in order to gain drugs. Christmas was breaking point where I saw him steal his cousins purse at a family do and he denied it so i outed him in front of his entire family. They all took my side as they've had years of him stealing from them, and they cut all contact with him. Two of his 3 teenage children have also cut contact only leaving 1 younger one who occasionally speaks to him but knows what he's about. I recently asked him to move out and rent a place as his aggression and anger is wild. I'm assuming it's at its worst when he isn't able to pick up as he is constantly losing jobs, so far 4 in a year and all because he's been caught stealing from the company. Time and time again I have taken him back on his promises to go to AA, and see a therapist etc etc... None of which ever happens for more than a few weeks. A month ago he just didn't come here one night when he still lived here and unbeknown to me, he had driven back to his old town an hour away and done 3 grammes of coke alone in a travelodge funded by child maintenance that he should have paid to his ex wife. Still, I took him back thinking he would change. His aggression is now worse than ever, so he has again got no job and is here alot in lockdown with me. He has his own room but me asking him for time out and to go away to his room always ends up in him going mad at me and it's just too scary to deal with. I am feeling so low, and so unloved and so worthless. We were engaged, and he promised me the world yet delivered nothing but heartache. I even have a safe in my house now to lock my purse away. I am stuck in a rut of loving him but hating the life he has given me. My children are older, and 2 in their twenties and 2 in senior school. None of them have a clue of the abuse I have suffered and continue to suffer as I've had so many failed relationships and they think the world of him. I am so low I feel like taking my own life. I just want to shut my eyes and never have to wake up and deal with this nightmare again. After a row where he's usually threatened to kick my door in or called me all the names under the sun, he just cries and tells me he knows he's an addict who needs help and that he's messed up in the head and that this is all his fault. And every time I just allow him back in and it all goes wrong again. I don't know what I'm even asking for. Maybe just some kind and wise words to tell me I am a good human being who doesn't deserve this hell that I have to live week in week out. I know he has to want to change but he never sticks at recovery for more than a few weeks. I just don't know what to do anymore x
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You sound like a lovely caring and kind person who has had their feelings well and truly trampled on and their life turned upside down by someone else’s failings to face up to addiction.
And you are a good and worthwhile human being, who doesn't deserve this.
You cannot change him. That's the log and short of it. So you either have to prepare yourself for a lifetime of this, or make the change to walk away and heal without him.
The person you hope he'll be, the person you need him to be doesn't exist. That version exists solely in your heart and he has no intention of becoming that person; he knows you'll tolerate him at his worst, he knows you'll forgive him anything. He knows he can steal from you, lie to you and make you feel like shit. You have to draw your battle lines here.
You need to contact Womens Aid and you need to do the Freedom Programme.
Talking about your situation in confidence with someone independent will certainly help.
He's not the only addict, love. You're addicted to him, can you see that?
He doesn't last long with his promises and neither do you ie you take him back time and time again.
Look at CoDA. It might save your life.
You won't seriously take your life will you? You do know your kids would never get over it. It just isn't an option
Phone the Samaritans 116123
Your life is precious and worth living. Things can get better than they are right now but you need to be here to give life a chance to improve
For your own good & your childrens cut this man out of your life.
You deserve so much better than a man who steals from you & your kids to feed his drug habit.
You need to be strong and break all ties with him. DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK.
Of course he is going to tell you what you want to hear but sadly he has shown you through his actions what he is really about.
There is no fairytale ending here but you will be so much happier when you lose all his baggage that is weighing you down.
You and your children do not deserve this. It’s not your fault.
Tell him to leave. If you’re worried, can someone come round to help? or if you’re really concerned can the police help if you’re fearful of what he might do if he gets angry?
Be honest with you’re kids (maybe once he’s gone) They can support you, and hopefully it will be positive to see you getting rid of someone who is abusing you - and help them navigate their own adult relationships.
You can’t dwell on the past. It sounds like you are a lovely person and have raised 4 children under difficult circumstances. You are stronger than this.
Isn't this a police matter? You're being threatened and intimidated in your own home.
You can do this x
Reach out for help and you will come out the other side stronger for it x
If you cut him out of your life tomorrow, then this time next year, this will all seem like a bad dream.
You will look back and it will seem insane that you let some random bloke drag you down so low!
You dont need him, there's billions of men in the world, but your kids have one mum and they need you.
He’s an arse. You sound lovely.
And even if you weren’t lovely, just a normal person like the rest of us, with mistakes and good intentions and confusion, he’d still be an arse and not worth throwing a pair of socks away for, let alone your only precious life.
Bin him. you’re a trained drugs counsellor - emotionally you are the sort of person who wants to help, who wants to save and make a difference, but think with your intellectual head on - you know you did not cause and are not responsible for controlling or curing his behaviour. You would advise anyone in your situation the same. Give yourself good counsel and get away from him and give yourself a chance to recover your life. I’m sorry he’s stolen so much if it already. Don’t let him steal the rest.
Thank you everybody for you lovely replies. It's in the moment, this huge anxiety (I think as I've never had anxiety) comes over me and I everything goes blank. I go to a drugs group one evening a week and they have been a tremendous amount of support. He's in my front front now telling me "don't speak to me" in my house! It's all about control with him..... He raises his voice and throws his hands in the air. Its scary. I am a teacher so I can't even go to work at the moment to keep my head straight. His behaviour is typical gaslighting and I'm ashamed I've put up with it for so long. Ive asked him to leave tonight and he won't go so I think tomorrow when he does I will call the samaritans x
Please call the Samaritans.
Please call a friend too.
You are worthwhile. Youre raising /raised lovely children. They still need their mum for sure.
There's always someone here on the forums too.
Once you've talked to Samaritans, take a some time to centre yourself and tell him to leave.
Then block him everywhere, change your locks.
You're strong. You can do this!
If he's behaving threateningly, please call the police and have him removed from your home. Be safe.
OP you sound like you need to contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247 It's a 24 hour helpline and you can call them any time.
Can you make an appointment with your GP? Sometimes you can request an appointment online if your GP has that service, if not, contact them tomorrow first thing for urgent assistance regarding your mental health.
People who take cocaine can suffer from psychosis (seeing or hearing things that aren't real), uncontrollable rage and paranoia. You need to protect yourself from him. If he tries to kick in your door again, please dial 999 and have him removed from the property. The police have powers to remove him for 48 hours and that can be extended to 28 days.
You need to get away from him OP, he's harming your mental health to the point you're now suicidal. Please contact the Domestic Abuse helpline above and get some support.
Don't hesitate to call the police too. They will make him leave.
You hold the key to unlock that door and escape from the "hell you are living." Stop for a minute and think. This man has dragged you to a place where you feel suicidal. He is selfish to the core and doesn't seem to be going to change anytime soon. You brought 4 beautiful children into this world and if anything were to happen to you can you imagine how crushed they would be for the rest of their lives. Their lives would be plunged into a living hell. Your situation has become desperate and the only way through is to get him out of your home. You are chasing your own tail trying to help this man and getting nowhere. Hes destroying you and he needs to live alone and be accountable for himself. You are not responsible for him and hes clearly manipulating you with his tears and empty promises.
Of course your a good human being. You have tried to help someone in need. Sadly however this man is not only throwing it back in your face but has nearly destroyed your mental health.
Please phone your GP for emergency help. Contact women's aid. Reach out to your family and friends. Most importantly get this toxic person out of your life. Phone the police and have him removed if he refuses to leave or becomes aggressive. You and your children do not deserve this. Please focus on them not him. Perhaps talk to the older two and tell them how your feeling. You can change all this quite quickly if you decide to and live happily without having him suck the life out of you
I agree with the previous post. If he won’t leave your home after you’ve asked him to then the police will. And when he’s gone you can call the Samaritans.
You’re a good person. Life will get better. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
If you are concerned about being overheard calling the police, can you text a friend and ask them to call the police for you? Going forward, register for 999 emergency services texting.
https://www.psni.police.uk/globalassets/contact/emergency_sms.pdf (there are plenty of other websites giving similar info)
Did he move in with your agreement. Does he pay rent or towards the bills, he has no claim on your home, I would also call the police to have him removed.
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