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How do I stop being insecure?

(3 Posts)
PloptheBarnOwl Tue 28-Apr-20 18:50:13

Long-time lurker de-lurking. Have kept an eye on the stately homes threads for a long time, but didn't feel like it was quite the right place.... I will try to be brief. Born mid-70s. Brought up as only child in unhappy marriage. My mum, I am pretty sure now, has autism. I am absolutely not saying people with autism cannot be good parents, but bless her, there was no awareness of the condition, no support... I think her family thought when she gets married she'll snap out of it, when she has a child she'll snap out of it... but what this meant for me was being brought up by a primary caregiver who could not even make eye contact and was focused on her own needs rather than mine, so can definitely be described as an insecure attachment as per Bowlby's theory. She did her best, but she needed support, and instead she had no support, and a husband who was furious with her for not being the wife he wanted, and he didn't recognise either that my needs weren't being met. I am really insecure, have always had trouble leaving relationships as I need the validation, and freak out about arguments with DH. We have a good marriage, but I recognise that my insecurity makes it harder to overcome problems.

I have had 3 years of talking therapy, and I know I could do with more, but I hit a brick wall with the process and stopped therapy about a year ago. I wouldn't mind going back to him, but he is £60 an hour and I'm not working right now, and I just can't afford it.

The work I did with the therapist meant I was able to recognise my problems, and trace them back to their roots in my un-nurtured childhood, but I didn't get as far as the next steps- what to do next. I feel so defined by my insecurity, and I don't want to be any more.

So what books/ resources/ other ideas are there for healing myself? I really am sick of being defined by my insecure childhood!

OP’s posts: |
Menora Tue 28-Apr-20 18:53:14

Wow 3 years and he didn’t give you any coping strategies or work out how to manage the feelings!
Don’t go back to that man. Do not

I will come back and give you my thoughts shortly didn’t want to read and run

I am in same boat as you

PloptheBarnOwl Wed 29-Apr-20 09:13:33

Thanks Menora. I didn't think about therapy that way, but yes.

Hopeful bump for people reading today.

OP’s posts: |

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