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Stories of a happy family when you thought it would never happen? 35 and feeling devastated

(61 Posts)
AmyDancer1 Tue 28-Apr-20 13:36:39

Another failed relationship. I’m 35 in July.

This has broken me this time. Any stories of having that happy ending later in life? I feel like I’ve lost the chance of everything I ever wanted.

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AmyDancer1 Tue 28-Apr-20 13:42:18

Anyone? Feeling desperate

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katmarie Tue 28-Apr-20 13:43:10

I met DH at 33, we've been together 4 years and have 2 kids, the second born just after I turned 38. I despaired of finding someone and starting a family after my previous relationship ended, but met him on tinder of all places. Don't give up if thats your dream, 35 is in no way too late.

Windyatthebeach Tue 28-Apr-20 13:44:51

I met dh at 41 and we had a dc together.. Nearly 8 years ago now..
I already had dc but he didn't.
And he was 31!! blush

AmyDancer1 Tue 28-Apr-20 13:45:07

How did you keep going?

I know I have to keep dating to find someone but I just can’t imagine ever veing able to muster up that hope again. I am in such a dark place right now

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babasaclover Tue 28-Apr-20 13:46:01

I have a few friends who have had ivf alone with a perm donor - said it takes the pressure off of dating - as they already have their kids. No different from splitting with a partner - and the men they meet don't feel the pressure of the woman's ticking baby time clock

ElspethFlashman Tue 28-Apr-20 13:47:28

Well didn't happen to me but to a friend of mine.

With a guy 9 years in total. Up until late 30s.

This guy dicked her around, pro

AmyDancer1 Tue 28-Apr-20 13:47:47

I used to have something deep inside that made me keep going, keep dating. Usually, eventually I would find someone.

This break up has broken me. I thought this was it. Now alone again and I just can’t see a way out

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Marlena1 Tue 28-Apr-20 13:53:03

We all think that after breaking up but honestly, he wasn't the one for you. I did kind of go on a mission tbh but I was almost 34. Had DD1 at almost 35 and DD2 at 36. If I could afford I think I'd go again.

ElspethFlashman Tue 28-Apr-20 13:53:05

.... proposed, yet it was apparent was never gonna actually walk down the aisle.

So it ended after 9 years.

She licked her wounds for months.

But then decided on "Operation Get A Life".

So she went online and organised dates for every single Saturday.

After 2 months of Saturdays and no spark, she finally has a date with The One.

He proposed within a year, they marry within a further year and have a baby a year later. She's now 41 and they have been together 4 years in total and are trying for a 2nd.

But it didn't happen by accident! It was a lot of dating and a lot of determination!

HyggeHeart Tue 28-Apr-20 13:55:44

Very similar to you in that the relationship i thought was it, broke down when I was 34. We got divorced and it was just heart breaking. Met my dh just over a year later. DC at 38 and 40. So happy now that things worked out the way they did, couldn't imagine being with anyone else. Give yourself time and space to heal but don't lose hope.

AmyDancer1 Tue 28-Apr-20 13:57:02

I feel I did all of that, I have been on so so many dates and when I met this last one I thought wow this is it. Deleted the apps happily and felt so positive about life.

Everything has come crashing down and I don’t know how to do it all over again

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Ginandplatonic Tue 28-Apr-20 13:59:33

Split up with long term partner at 34 and felt much like you. Everyone around me seemed to be married and having babies.

Met now DH at 36 through a mutual friend, had first child at 38, second at 40, third at 41, fourth at 43!

Not sure if that makes you feel better or want to run for the hills! But it’s definitely not too late, you do need to force yourself to get back out there though.

AmyDancer1 Tue 28-Apr-20 14:02:57

I feel so alone. I am the only person single at work and socially. It’s hard. I have wanted a family all my life and I just cannot even envisage meeting anyone I trust and love and who loves me back. I can’t even picture it anymore.

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Ginandplatonic Tue 28-Apr-20 14:08:31

All I can say is I felt exactly the same as you and it happened for me.
Have you tried asking friends if they know anyone single who might work for you?

AmyDancer1 Tue 28-Apr-20 14:09:56

Not yet I haven’t no. I’ve usually been successful online dating I just don’t think I can face it again. I really thought this was it with this man.

I don’t know how to carry on and I’m usually a very strong person

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caw159pw Tue 28-Apr-20 14:10:01

Had a long term relationship and engagement for 8 years... had a baby and had to leave when she was small and I was 32. Even though I ended it... I was devastated. But I took time for myself. Learnt who I was again. Got fitter... enjoyed life and work and mummying. Absolutely swore off men.
Age 34... I met someone through work. We became friends and then it grew. We aren't married. We have 4 kids between us... and if it wasn't for bloody corona we'd be living together.... here's hoping moves can restart soon!
My point is this... life isn't over but it feels like it might be. Stop dating anyone but yourself. Learn who you are... learn to like then love yourself... then others can see the real you. Sounds trite... but its true. I met my OH when I was happy as myself and didn't need a man... didn't want one... but as things developed I knew it was different.
You need to heal before dating again or you'll end up with the wrong one again. Don't go looking for love... it will find you. Eventually... but only if you learn to love yourself first.
Hugs xxx

AmyDancer1 Tue 28-Apr-20 14:15:32

Thanks that’s what I am worried about though, I can’t stop wanting this. It will always feel like a gap. I’ve been very happy in the past but also felt the gap. I know that won’t go away no matter how good the rest of my life is

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candycane222 Tue 28-Apr-20 14:15:44

Two pretty full on relationships in my early 30s and single again, I ended the second because the guy was just too intense and unstable. Developed a bit od a crush on Mr unobtainable..but someone I'd been friends with for 10 yrs or so had just finished a ltr and there we were...

Actually he was the one in a hurry to have kids, we've been happily married more than 20 yrs 2 kids ,both born after I was 40.

But I don't think is have hd a bad life if I'd stayed childless actually. I had a great career and my own house, to myself, and dh and I did a lot of rewarding & worthwhile things together pre-kids too. Sometimes look back on some of those times quite wistfully.

mistermagpie Tue 28-Apr-20 14:18:49

I was divorced at 31, thought that was it for me really and I would be alone forever. I felt just like you.


I met my now DH and got married again at 34, I'm now 39, we have three children and I am really really happy.

Life can change in an instant, my life is so different now from what it was ten years ago, I am so so lucky. But you can be too - there is nothing wrong with you and there are good men out there. I met mine at work if it's relevant, I had known him for a while but never fancied him, until I did. So my advice would be to stay open to different types of people, one of them might be the one.

AmyDancer1 Tue 28-Apr-20 14:35:14

I just can’t see a way out this time. Everyone around me is so settled and I just don’t think I will ever let myself believe in anyone else again

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AmyDancer1 Tue 28-Apr-20 15:06:32

I feel so unbelievably sad and alone. This has been the hardest thing to accept

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candycane222 Tue 28-Apr-20 15:09:15

You definitely need to take some time to heal, you sound so despairing - poor you, if anything my 20 s were worse for this awful feeling, which i do recognise. I truly believe changing course to less well paid, but much more rewarding and worthwhile work (and also did some very sociable activism 😀) helped me massively. I no longer felt like a waste of space. I just found life altogether so much more satisfying

Tipsylizard Tue 28-Apr-20 15:11:26

Split up with long term partner at 32 and I was devasted for a long time. I spent most of my 30's either OLD or giving up as I was tired of it all only to repeat it all again - so you have my sympathies - it is hard work. I reconciled myself to never having children and threw myself into my career and my social life.

I met my (now) DH on a work night out when I was 40 - we had worked together 3 years previously and he came along with a mutual friend - after that night we have never been apart. He has 2 children from a previous marriage and is such a great dad that I started to think about having children with him. So I talked to him about it and he told me he would be happy to as he saw how important it was to me. Right then I knew he was a keeper. Sadly we had many miscarriages due to my poor egg quality so we went down the donor egg route. I had our son at 45 and our daughter at 47 - they are amazing children. We married when we were 48 and have a big busy happy family. I often wonder what would have happened if I hadn't gone out that night - who knows?

So open yourself to opportunity - say yes to all sorts of things. If it can happen to me - it can happen to you flowers

volatility Tue 28-Apr-20 15:13:04

Ok. I think you need to wallow for a week and then brush yourself down. This isn’t the end. I wasn’t even married at your age! Give yourself a week of eating comfort food and watching Netflix movies and then open up those dating accounts again. Everybody’s not settled. I’ve got loads of divorced friends and single friends. You’re just feeling “woe is me”. Sign on to meet up and start going to singles events. Where do you live? Do you live somewhere like brighton where there’s a big busy dating scene? If you’re living rural or in a market town or in a backwater then consider moving somewhere more funky and fun so you can be getting out. You’re best off living in a university town as there will be loads going on.

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