Direspectful message from female colleague

[Teacher12345]

DH and I had an argument last night that escalated from some messages I saw on his computer to a female collegue. The message said "we would make a good couple" and then another said something about taking the kids to school and then collecting benefits. I didn't read any more as was on my way to the kitchen
DH had nipped to the loo so when he came back I mentioned it and he denied the message. I told him I had seen it and there was no point denying it, but he denied it again so I asked him to show it to me. When he opened the conversation it had all been deleted - he claims the app deleted it.
His explanation was that it was a joke about someone at work which had escalated. I was pissed off but DH tried to make light of it saying I always say he is shit at flirting and am now accusing him off it.
I blew up at him telling him I am fed up of running round trying to work from home, homeschool the kids and do all the cooking whillst he is furloughed, sat at his computer, making inappropriate conversation with his mates.
This was irrelevant to our arguement but was true - although he will do it if I ask, I am often trying to do my work and homeschool a 4 and 7 yr old whilst DH sit oblivious on the other side of the table. I guess the resentment about my workload overspilled.
The real issue, I think, is that he messages female colleagues all the time and other female friends, sometimes goes out to the cinema with a friend, his GF and then another female friend. This is behaviour that I am okay with, but it niggles at me because I know he wouldn't accept this behaviour the other way around.
I do not think he is having an affair - although the woman he was mesaages is having an affair with someone else at their workplace. I just think joking about being with someone else is disrespecful of your wife and I think it has led to some other feelings pouring out.
DH is likely to get up this morning and brush it under the carpet but I don't want that. Before I open it up again, does it sound like I have overreacted? Should I be letting it go and moving on?

[Teacher12345]

Correction sorry! The "we would make a good couple" came from her TO him. He didn't say that but he went along with the pretending.

[TigerDater]

Having got your resentment about unequal responsibilities out in the open, it seems a shame to sweep them back under the carpet OP. He should be doing his share of homeschooling and all the other jobs. (I’ve no opinion about the messages - they’re just straws breaking the camel’s back?). The pair of you need to talk it out.

[Pelleas]

If you're still WFH and he is furloughed, he should be doing the lion's share of housework and homeschooling - irrespective of what he's doing when he's messing about on his computer.

The fact he's flirting with other women is a sign of his lack of engagement in your marriage and family life.

You absolutely shouldn't let it go but I think the focus of your conversation should be that he isn't pulling his weight, full stop. Don't let him derail you by protesting his innocence in this particular conversation. He shouldn't be messing about on his computer at all when you are trying to do three things at once.

[Teacher12345]

Thanks ladies, I think you are right, that the messages were just a catalyst for other frustrations that need talking about.

[Meadows20]

His colleague doesn't sound fab when she's already having an affair and then telling your husband that they'd make a good couple - that's an issue in itself but not really the main one from the sounds of things - it's just what has tipped you over.

You need to have a chat about roles and responsibilities whilst in lockdown. If he's furloughed and you're working, he 100% should be doing majority of the housework and homeschooling.

We don't have kids yet (due in 5 weeks) but I'm WFH and my OH has no work (self-employed). From 9-5, he is in charge of the housework such as washing, gardening, hoovering, odd DIY job etc and I'm doing all the cooking as he really hates it whilst I'm not that bothered. At the weekend, we split most jobs but he's still doing a bit more because I can't see my toes right now. If I was a SAHM that's what would be expected of me so why shouldn't it be expected of him?

[Teacher12345]

When I said the bit about his lack of help he said I was being unfair. I wasn't, I was being honest. I can count on one hand the number of meals he has made since being furloughed 4 weeks ago. This includes lunch and dinner that I am now having to come up with. He cooked tea last night but only because it was a bbq and he made the kids lunch because I asked him to, I then made our when I had finished the work I was doing. The homeschooling is down to me finding and printing resources and then talking them trhough it. When he does help, he and DS fall out because he is too hard on him.

[Spotsandstars]

Who was it that told you she was having an affair? I think deleting and lying about the messages is really dodgy!!

[SayNoToCarrots]

How is it that you have ended up doing all the work at home, when you have a job to be getting on with and he does not??

[Teacher12345]

DH told me she is having an affair. Other colleagues have confimred it.
It is a well known fact in their office.

[Honeybee85]

Why would he delete everything if it's just a joke? Is your DH next on her list ?

I would play dumb for the next weeks and check his phone again once he lets his guard down again.

[Teacher12345]

Saynotocarrots - because left to him it wouldn't happen. I initiate all the learning. DH would let them stay on their Ipads for hours - proven by the times I have nipped off for a call upstairs and come back to find them back on their ipads after I asked them to come off for a bit. Food, the kids ask me and I say - infront of DH - I am just finishing work and then will sort it. He doesn't then offer to sort it, he waits for me and then I do it - unless I specifically ask him to do it.

[MsTSwift]

I would start to wonder what the point of him actually was?

[Nuttyfellalovesnutella]

I think the lying aspect is pretty bad too. You saw it and he denies it. He obviously has been caught out and feels guilty and knows it’s wrong, but to lie and gaslight you shows a lack of respect towards you.

[Soontobe60]

First of all, he's lying to you about this woman. You know and he knows you know. Just make it very clear you don't believe him.

Second, he's having you for a mug! Set up somewhere as a little home office if you can, preferably your bedroom so you can be physically away from the family whilst working. Take the kids iPads with you in the mornings and tell them they can have them in the afternoons when they've completed their learning. Write up a weekly meal planner so DH knows what's for lunch and tea and also knows that it's his job to make the food. Don't interfere when DH is doing the home schooling. He's not a teacher but if you interfere he'll never do it. Your kids won't die if he's hard in them! Each morning leave him a list of jobs that need to be done such as laundry, vacuuming, etc.
I fondnthat I had to d this with my DH when we first got together because I was sick of asking him to do things and he just didn't see things the same was as me. Now we've got into our own swing of things and just get on with it.
Don't debate it with him, he's already proved himself to be a lazy partner leaving you to do everything.

[DBML]

Do you just say that he goes out with female friends, but you cannot go out with a male friend because he wouldn’t like it?

That for me would be a huge problem. The balance of your marriage is all wrong. He’s using you as a housekeeper, child minder, home tutor; cook etc whilst allowing himself a life with more freedoms than he thinks you are entitled to.

He needs to either stop flirting for N ego stroke and start being part of a marital team....or quite frankly you’re better off without him.

[Teacher12345]

DBML I don’t have any straight male friends to spend time with but in the past when I worked in bars he would express some jealousy when I’m contact with male colleagues. He would never tell me not to go out with them but I know if I messaged straight men at the frequent he does women, it would bother him. He thinks nothing of doing it though- maybe because he knows I’m not fussed or maybe he isn’t bothered what I think?

[Tish008]

Or because he knows you put up with it.

He lies to your face
He doesn't pull his weight with the kids
He is happy to sit back and watch you do it all.

It's up to you what you do about this sadly

[CoronaMoaner]

What @Pelleas said.
He’s furloughed and you are WFH but you are doing the majority of the homeschooling? He’s treating you like a right mug.
I hear you about ‘if I didn’t do it it wouldn’t get done’. In which case you need to split the other jobs and get him doing all the food prep, the cleaning up afterwards, the bedtime etc.
Anyone can see the current split isn’t fair. He knows it too that’s why he’s defensive when challenged.

Oh and the messages would piss me right off.

[JudyCoolibar]

If you're working and taking all the responsibility for homeschooling, then your husband should be doing all the shopping, cooking and a big chunk of the housework. Maybe if he's busy he'll have less time for arsing about with his mates, male or female.

[tenlittlecygnets]

I am fed up of running round trying to work from home, homeschool the kids and do all the cooking whillst he is furloughed, sat at his computer, making inappropriate conversation with his mates. I guess the resentment about my workload overspilled.

What is the point of him? Seriously, why is he even around? What a useless bellend. Doews he not care about parenting and his dc's education - or doing his fair share of adulting?? You're still working - he should be doing everything else!

This is behaviour that I am okay with, but it niggles at me because I know he wouldn't accept this behaviour the other way around.
That's rich! Then why the bloody hell does he think it's acceptable for him to act like this? Call him out on his hypocrisy.

It has led to some other feelings pouring out. DH is likely to get up this morning and brush it under the carpet but I don't want that. Before I open it up again, does it sound like I have overreacted?

No. Under-reacted, if anything. You need to have a serious talk with your dh - there are lot of problems! What's upsetting you most? What's most serious? Him stepping up and looking after the dc and the house while you work?

He doesn't then offer to sort it, he waits for me and then I do it - unless I specifically ask him to do it.

This would do my head in. How old is he? 11??

Good luck with retraining him, op...

[Teacher12345]

The thing, is with some of the housework he does pull his weight so I doubt myself. He does the washing, the dishwasher and the kitchen about 50% of the time. We alternate geting up early with the kids and doing bedtimes. Its the stuf he isn't confident on that he just choses not to do at all. For example entertaining the kids - over easter I was on annual leave and every activity with the kids was thought of and instigated by me. Same with food.
He has got up this morning and said he is going to do some science with DS. Science is the only subject he is confident with and as I am a teacher, it could be said he would rather leave the schooling to me (although I teach adults not kids) because he isn't confident doing it but it doesn't mean he cannot try.

[Shoxfordian]

Why couldn't you have male friends but he can have females messaging him saying they'd make a good couple?! Unless he replied telling her that was totally inappropriate and that she should not message him shit like that then he's being shady.

[Dery]

Your DH needs to stop acting like he's a guest in his own home and with his own family but by taking the attitude that if you don't do something it won't get done you are enabling him to continue in this vein. Stop. As @CoronaMoaner said: you need to work out what needs to be done every day and split it with him. Good luck!

[StormBaby]

If you are deleting messages you have already crossed the line in to the start of an emotional affair. How do you know she's already having an affair? If he's had 'mentionitis', talking about her lots at home, then there's something there.

[Dery]

Ah - have seen your later post. I can see his non-contribution is not how it sounded at first.

It's still out of order that he would object to you having male friends but he's allowed his female pals. You should both be allowed friends of any gender so you need equality there. It really bothers me when a man thinks it's one rule for him but a different one for their female partner on things like that. Don't let him get away with that.