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DM “helping” with wedding

(45 Posts)
prenuptiallypanicked Tue 28-Apr-20 07:28:38

So in Jan I got engaged to my DP. He’s amazing, love him to bits, can’t wait to be married and start a family with him.
My “D”M... was very obviously not impressed when we told her. We have never had a close relationship. Younger DSis is the golden child and has been with her partner for 6 years, but DSis still loves at my parents home and is apparently not planning to move in with her BF until they are married.
DP and I had my mum and sister over for dinner a few days after we got engaged, my mum and sister basically sat me down and lectured me about how I should be planning a “proper” wedding that all my mum’s friends and family can be impressed by. Mum also stated “well of course DSis will be your maid of honour”, and I was taken aback by how suddenly she brought it up that I just agreed without taking the time to think about it.
A few months have passed and DM and DF have both offered to help with wedding costs, which were really greatful for, but while my dad has just said he’s happy for us and let us get on with it my mum and sister are basically planning the wedding from their house. When I call to see how they are doing I get told that my sister has found her perfect desss and that my mum has talked to the caterers and they can do her ideal menu and I am just thinking that I am not even wanting to go through with it any more.
We signed a contract with the venue several weeks ago and honestly while I was thrilled at the time I now just want to cancel it and run away and do it somewhere else. If DP was not so close to his family I would want to elope without question but he is really tight with his family and does not want them to miss our.
Should I just let mum and sister plan it and get on with it? Without her help we would not be able to do half as nice a wedding but I’m on two mins whether it is worth it

OP’s posts: |
Aussiebean Tue 28-Apr-20 07:34:56

God no.

If you let her have this control now, imagine what she will be like if you have children.

Cancel the venue now so the financial hit is small.

Then send them an email saying thank you for all your ideas and thoughts on the wedding.

Me and dp will keep them under consideration.

Oh, and we have decided to pay for it ourselves so thank you for your offer.

If they threaten not to come just say ‘sorry you feel like that. You will be missed. Let us know if you change your mind.’

MyOtherProfile Tue 28-Apr-20 07:37:04

You have to take control back.

First thing you need to do is sit down with DP and figure out what you want for your wedding, right down to menu and colour of bridesmaid dresses (if you even want bridesmaids).

Do it quick and then print the list up. Every time your DM and ds announce anything just say hang on I'll check the list. Nope sorry, that's not on it.

Before you can challenge anything you need to be sure what you both want.

Plurabellicose Tue 28-Apr-20 07:39:27

Why are you being so passive in all this?

AlwaysCheddar Tue 28-Apr-20 07:39:55

Grow a pair and start pushing back.

SexIsAProtectedCharacteristic Tue 28-Apr-20 07:44:06

Letting your mum and sister plan your wedding for you a) isn't going to improve your mum's opinion of you b) will ensure you hate your wedding day - none of it will be about you

You HAVE to start saying no. Especially to your dsis being MOH. And if taking money from them means they want a say, then don't take the money.

This is your wedding, not theirs. Do what you want. If they don't like it, tough!

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 28-Apr-20 07:44:22

What Aussiebean wrote. Call this all off and do not let them have any say or control in your wedding plans, day and for that matter going forward your married life. Break free of these people.

BTW when are you getting married?. I ask only that this current situation of lockdown may work in your favour here.

What are your boundaries like with them here?. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; your sister is the golden child and yours is the scapegoat. That is your assigned role nowadays too. Your dad goes along with what his wife says out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

If you further give your mother and sister any more control over your wedding, it will be your wedding day they imagine for themselves rather than yours. You will end up feeling both used and a bit part player with them at the centre of their own universe.

Dyrne Tue 28-Apr-20 07:44:35

What’s the point in taking the money for such a “nice” wedding if it’s planned completely for someone else’s taste and it’s making you so upset?

Return the money, be honest about why - take back control. Disengage with any wedding talk and say you’ve already sorted it.

Oh, and just because your DP is close to his family, that doesn’t mean you have to mirror it. My DBro is hardly inviting any family to his wedding, while his fiancée is going the whole hog with aunts/cousins etc. He’s inviting his friends instead and it will still be a lovely day - even lovelier because he’ll be spending it with people he actually wants to see.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 28-Apr-20 07:45:46

The money being offered by DM and DF is also not the nice gesture it appears to be; its being offered to make you feel further obligated to them going forward.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe Tue 28-Apr-20 07:55:35

ooohhh OP...With the best will in the world put the brakes on right now! This is the time you get to be selfish.The wedding you want your way. Of course that is easier said and done when parents have a financial imput so you need to decide whether you want their cash and be lumbered with their plans hence ruining your day or going it alone and having it your way...sadly you cant have both. Now to get our of the current situation without hurting anyones feelings you need your man on your side! My husband is fantastic for this,Any demands on my time or interferance from my side of the family I say oh no I couldnt possibly DH says there is no way he is going for that! He gladly takes the blame having no clue about what he is suposed to be against lol I do the same with his family for him! I would rather have a smaller wedding or destination wedding paid for by us than be held to randsome by anyone.Mind you having said that there was no need for any of this as we just eloped and did it! This was obviously a second marriage,The first was organised in great part with helpful contributions by my mother and it was easier to let her plan and to avoid any misplaced guilt i felt about hurting her feelings as she was coming from a good place but the control was awful..the day was shite! Not what I wanted and I felt it was more a party to celebrate how wonderful she was than it being my wedding.If you dont exert some control now you will be hurt and disappointed for years later on. You also need control now because if you dont you will have no chance should you ever have children,Mine even wanted an input into names and got huffy when her choice if names were not considered never mind all that followed afterwards...Just something for you to think about... Your day your way would be my suggestion paid for by yourselves.It will make you so much happier.

VettiyaIruken Tue 28-Apr-20 07:58:43

Refuse the money and plan the wedding you and your fiancé want.

They can only do what you allow them to do. Change needs to come from you sacking up.

category12 Tue 28-Apr-20 08:00:04

I know it's hard when it's a family dynamic you've grown up with, but you really need to break out of it.

Sparkletastic Tue 28-Apr-20 08:02:21

Stop being so passive. Plan and pay for your own wedding.

Notverybright Tue 28-Apr-20 08:11:15

It's not worth it, your sister is planning her wedding, your just the bride.

I know weddings aren't the be all and end all, but you should have it the way you want it instead of having a day to impress your mums friends. You have an excuse at the moment to extend the engagement for s little while and do it your own way. It will cause fallout, so good luck.

RandomMess Tue 28-Apr-20 08:18:08

Agree with everyone else. Cancel the venue send your parents an email that you've decided to do something different, their financial offer was lovely but you are going to pay for it yourselves.

Then decide what you want, what you really really want and book that.

Redlocks28 Tue 28-Apr-20 08:20:35

When I call to see how they are doing I get told that my sister has found her perfect desss and that my mum has talked to the caterers and they can do her ideal menu

Why aren’t you saying something to them!?

LittleCandle Tue 28-Apr-20 08:24:16

DD2 is getting married in a couple of years. They are paying for the whole thing themselves, but even if I was contributing, I would be keeping my mouth shut. I offer suggestions if she needs to bounce ideas off me and other than that, I exclaim about how lovely everything she has chosen is. (It actually is lovely, I'm not just saying that).

I remember when planning my own wedding, and DF insisting that his sister's son should come, because his sister was disabled and didn't go anywhere (except Majorca, which was weird) and the son should come in her place. I had met this man once at this point in my life. I thought he was really creepy. In the end, I think DM persuaded DF that it wasn't a great idea, but DF got so angry that I ended up in tears. It was a horrible feeling to think that my wedding was about what DF wanted, not me.

Take back control, hand the money back and do what you want, not what your DM wants.

Ilovethekittehs Tue 28-Apr-20 08:25:38

She found a dress...this surely can't be real?! Who does that?

You need to say something, I don't see why you're not just asking them to back off. Or fuck off, whichever suits the occasion more.

Dyrne Tue 28-Apr-20 08:27:10

Oh, and call the venue and make clear that you and your DP are the only one who can make final decisions with regards to caterers etc.

Greenkit Tue 28-Apr-20 08:28:22

Your DM and DS are planning her idea wedding and you are going to be the barbie in the dress.

Stop them now

Sit down with you and your DP and plan what you want together.

Decline the money, it comes with strings.

Have a smaller nice wedding, with your guests, not anyone else's

Modestandatinybitsexy Tue 28-Apr-20 08:36:18

I had this with my DM, she thought we'd planned the entire wedding without her and got really insecure about it as well as making demands like "we'll give you 10k but you need to invite all 50 members of the family all day with a free bar" we just couldn't afford their demands even with the money they were giving us.

In the end we had a blow up and I stopped planning anything for a while and then planned a small wedding which we could afford and was much more my style.

okiedokieme Tue 28-Apr-20 08:36:38

Ok, your mum is excited and wants to help, this is normal, this is actually helpful - let's be positive! What you need to do is to set very firm parameters and ensure that they don't veer away from what you want. Sit down with your dp and work out what you do want then talk to your mum and sister and explain what you are planning and how they can help eg get them to research the things you want. Once shops reopen go dress shopping with a friend without telling them initially, work out what style looks right then arrange the big shopping trip with your dm and dsis. Enthusiasm can be harnessed but needs managing, don't sweat the small stuff, if she wants to make 150 individual soaps let her, but do make sure the important details are what you as a couple want

eaglejulesk Tue 28-Apr-20 08:40:25

Another vote for declining the money and paying for and planning your own wedding. If you let them get away with this it won't stop and you won't be able to call your life your own! There is more to marriage than a "proper" wedding. Your wedding should be about you and your DP, so you need to take back full control and have the day you want.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 28-Apr-20 08:43:19

I now just want to cancel it and run away and do it somewhere else
Please do this.
You can already see this is gonna be a nightmare with interference from all sides.
Have a nice small wedding just you and your DP.
Then plan for a 'reception' when you come back from your honeymoon.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 28-Apr-20 08:44:03

This has nothing to do with them being enthusiastic or they being excited and wanting to help.

What OPs mother and in turn sister want to do here is control the OPs wedding day all to make that primarily about mother and OPs sister. What you propose would perhaps work to an extent in an emotionally healthy family but OPs family of origin is anything but so will not.

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