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In the middle of messy divorce, pregnant with new partner.

(17 Posts)
Muminterrupted91 Mon 27-Apr-20 18:01:12

Ok so this is my first time posting here and I’m just looking for a little friendly female encouragement/advice I guess. Particularly no judgement if you can!

So a quick breakdown, I was in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship for 8 years, (I didn’t quite figure this out until we married) long story short I left in an absolute haste and suffered a breakdown and brief psychotic episode as a result. I have one child with this man. We are in the middle of our divorce which I filed for on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and had granted. Just waiting for final papers to come through! It was v.messy. Police & social involved and not my finest hour to say the least.

I started seeing a friend quite soon after this happened as he was a real source of support for me and we had both had undeclared feelings for each other for a long time. We have now been together 6 months and I’ve recently found out I’m pregnant! 🤦🏼‍♀️😵 it was not entirely planned but frankly not entirely avoided either, we are very happy, both older & wiser than previous relationships and were both very happy when we found out. Family on both sides also ecstatic and very supportive! Have not told my child yet, however despite ex’s protests they are very happy with new partner as already knew them before we became an item!

What I am struggling with however is the idea of ex finding out, how he will treat our child as a result and the resulting judgement from others. He is a classic abusive personality, very charming and constantly playing the victim. Suffice to say me and new partner were heavily accused of having all sorts of affairs and had to essentially go into hiding for a short period as a result of these rumours.

I guess I’m just looking for a little encouragement. I’m still mentally healing from the abuse, which seriously tore me a new one. I am for the most part mentally healthy, not on medication but your usual amount of Mum anxious and sometimes have low episodes. However after everything that happened last year and due to years of therapy the ex convinced me I needed, I couldn’t have a better understanding of my own mental health. But as you can probably tell, I am worried about how to cope with the inevitable judgement from my former circle of people. Lockdown is helping us keep things quiet for now of course!

I’m just in my head I guess and am hoping this might help in some small way!

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IceCreamAndCandyfloss Mon 27-Apr-20 19:41:23

I’d be far more worried about my existing DC than social circles. Not to mention jumping into a new relationship on the rebound and having no space to recover from the divorce.

Six months is barely dating, far too soon to be involved with existing Dc let alone add new ones.

AnotherEmma Mon 27-Apr-20 19:49:37

"it was not entirely planned but frankly not entirely avoided either, we are very happy, both older & wiser than previous relationship"

I'm sorry but it's not a wise decision to rush into a new relationship and unprotected sex when you have not yet properly ended your previous relationship and allowed yourself and your child to adjust to your new lives not to mention heal from the trauma of the abuse.

What a shame you are not prioritising the needs of the child you already have (plus your own needs) and taking your time before rushing into something new.

My advice is to do the Freedom Programme and focus your mental energy on yourself and the child you already have.

Don't expect people to be delighted for you, they will be concerned and rightly so.

category12 Mon 27-Apr-20 19:50:03

You really have to be careful you're not jumping from the frying pan to the fire, OP. Quite often guys picking up the pieces for women after abusive relationships are attracted by the vulnerability and turn out not so different from the first abuser.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but you're rushing things. What is your hurry?

changemynamechangemynamewhen Mon 27-Apr-20 19:54:26

Why do people think jumping from one situation to another and bringing more kids into it means you are winning

Muminterrupted91 Mon 27-Apr-20 20:23:37

Woooof ok, not the response I was expecting but at the same time no frustration from me to you for what you have all said as it’s not as if I haven’t beat myself up enough already for literally everything you have all suggested.

I would like to point out my child’s needs are prioritised above all else, in fact I stayed in the abusive relationship far longer than I should have for their sake because I didn’t want to put them through a divorce. Obviously we have fallen pregnant far sooner than anticipated as a result of an excited week where we had time to ourselves whilst child was staying with ex. What I mean by “not entirely avoided” is that my method of contraception is tracking my cycle, we use condoms and have done up until this one week. And by “not entirely avoided” I mean we knew the risk but like a million other adult couples we got carried away. That is merely me just trying to be honest rather than patching over the fact that it’s happened. I don’t regret that! And am absolutely certain I’m not the only person on this forum to have fallen pregnant early into a new relationship, in fact there are many posts I read before I posted and that led me to thinking I might have been met with less judgement and more supportive responses.

I did the freedom program last year and found it immensely helpful and would recommend to others.

I never suggested I felt as though I am “winning”. It has all been incredibly stressful, and naturally I considered going “the other way” when I found out I was pregnant. And especially because of how I feel it will affect my DC. Perhaps I took the wrong stance coming in to this and didn’t mention enough how frustrated I was with myself when I found out. But after knowing for two weeks have given myself a break considering I am one of many who have made this “mistake”. Which is what it was, and my existing DC is old enough to understand all that is going on. But we decided we didn’t want to abort because it’s really a blessing and we would own our “accident” and make the most of it.

Current partner also left an abusive partner, we did not leave our current situations for each other, but an already strong friendship was deepened after we had. Both had emotionally checked out long before actually leaving.

As for rushing, I guess that is down to opinion which you are all entitled to have. But we have both been met with a huge amount of support from friends & family and not concern. Though I understand why you would say that, on paper, I would too. And I have regularly joked about how I am currently someone I would be shocked to hear about. But when you’re in it, and living it, I guess it’s different.

Unfortunately posting here hasn’t been the experience I was looking for, and that’s no-one else’s fault but my own clearly. So thank you for your responses, as I said you are all entitled to your opinions. And whilst it saddened me to be met with them rather than asking for more details or giving me the benefit of the doubt, you have given me a lot to think about and consider.

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RantyAnty Mon 27-Apr-20 20:29:23

You seem to be repeating the pattern of getting involved too quick.

If you haven't done the freedom programme, it'd be helpful to do it now.

If they're your former circle, why would they ever need to know about your new relationship or Pregnancy?

Why would your ex need to know?

Muminterrupted91 Mon 27-Apr-20 20:32:29

I have done the freedom program! It’s amazing 👌🏼

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AnotherEmma Mon 27-Apr-20 20:33:51

Well I do wish you all the best and hope it works out for you. You sound confident and positive which is great.

What were you hoping to get from posting?

I don't know what advice anyone can helpfully give you, I think that's part of the problem!

SeriouslySoDoneIn Mon 27-Apr-20 20:35:13

@OP stop apologising, you have absolutely nothing to do that for. You’ve been through the freedom program, you’ve left you’re abusive ex, you’ve made a good life for yourself and your existing child and met a man you’re happy with. And now you’re pregnant. Congratulations flowers

Nothing anyone else thinks about your situation matters, except your existing child’s opinion. Have they met your new partner? How old are they? In my experience, children ten to accept new siblings pretty easily. There might be an initial bit of tears and tantrums, might be a bit of jealousy and rivalry when the baby is born too, but it won’t last forever. Children just need to know that you love them and you’re going to keep on loving them just as much after the baby gets here too.

If your ex attempts to hurt your child emotionally, physically or mentally then you keep a diary. You report to relevant authorities and you support your child through it. Good luck flowers

Viviennemary Mon 27-Apr-20 20:36:43

It would have been wiser to have waited till you were divorced. But still it's done now. Six months is a bit soon to bring a new baby into a relationship. I'm not sure what exactly you want people to say. You are going to get judgement from others. But you say your friends and family are supportive and you seem quite happy with the situation. So what's to worry about.

SexIsAProtectedCharacteristic Mon 27-Apr-20 20:42:04

You need to work on your self esteem OP and I mean that in the kindest way.

The thoughts of people who would remain friends with a person who abused you, are not things you should concern yourself with! If anyone should stand in judgement, it is you. People like that just look for the easy path. You took the hard one and you're flourishing.

Yes, being pregnant is not ideal but so what. Just be careful that this man is who you think he is and you're not blinded by love into ignoring red flags. Do what is best for your existing DC, every time. As for your ex, fuck him. He has no right to any information about your life. If your child mentions it to him, fine. But don't volunteer it. Stop thinking he is part of your life. You share a child but that is as far as it goes, keep him at arms length.

Rebelwithallthecause Mon 27-Apr-20 20:42:40

I left abusive ex and was pregnant about 11 months later with new man I’d been with just 6 months.

We are now married, have a house and a second baby on the way.

Nothing could resemble the horrible past of being with an abusive ex.

I hope this is the case for you too. When you’ve found something good why stop it or let it go just because some people decide it’s too soon?!

I also did freedom program and I’ve found it’s made me so much more assertive ever since.

Muminterrupted91 Mon 27-Apr-20 20:43:13

@AnotherEmma - that’s a fair point to be fair! I’m not sure what I was looking for really, probably just wanting to get it off my chest! Though I’m quite used to criticism at hands of ex so can take it on the chin if that makes sense! Very self reflective as a result of it but clearly not impervious to making mistakes, I’m only human eh! I had to regain self confidence to leave, it took many months of planning and internal work to get there!

@Seriouslysodonein - thank you 🥰 I’m a forever apologiser! Very much appreciate your response!

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Muminterrupted91 Mon 27-Apr-20 20:48:02

@SexIsAProtectedCharacteristic - thank you. Much appreciated and agree with all you’ve said. Thankfully doing the freedom program whilst with current partner did help me to make sure I wasn’t ignoring any red flags. And the whole experience has made me more assertive. He is a wonderful man and completely the other end of the spectrum.

@Rebelwithallthecause - that’s a lovely outcome for you! Thank you for sharing and here’s hoping my future is as bright now! It certainly feels like it now ☺️

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LovingLola Mon 27-Apr-20 20:49:01

Has your dp got children or is this his first?

Muminterrupted91 Mon 27-Apr-20 20:55:21

@lovinglola - this is his first. Horrible timing as given the current state of affairs with covid he is not allowed to attend scans for the time being!

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