Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Married and confused - need help!

18 replies

AmyU134 · 27/04/2020 14:46

The reason I’m posting here is because I am at a loss. I cannot discuss this with any friends or family for fear of judgement. So please, I would appreciate advice on this issue but not judgement.

I am married, 3 years, to a very kind and loving man. We have a 2 month year old who I love dearly. In previous years of our relationship my husband has deleted messages from two women. This happened 4 years ago and after some time apart I moved on. I never forgave but i loves him too much to leave. In the last 2 weeks, I found myself compelled to look through his phone. (Call it women's intuition?) I hadn’t done this in over 2 years. And I found that he had sent a message to a woman he works with and deleted it, again.

I confronted him immediately actually waking him up to ask about it. He apologised and said that the message was only to say congratulations on her new baby, which I obviously questioned why he would delete a message of that nature? His response was that he was afraid of my reaction and that I would be angry because I’ve been angry about it before. Not a good enough reason for me. We argued and I didn’t speak to him for a few days, very hard with a newborn, and I decided that I couldn’t be angry. I don’t know if it’s because I’m older now and wiser, or because I’m a mum now and things just don’t seem that important or because lockdown is silently forcing me to be more calm? I don’t know. But it still bothers me daily.

The reason I’m explaining this is because two days ago I received a message from a man I used to be friends with. And I use friends in a very loose way. We knew each other through friends and spoke online and met once in a big group of people but never hung out alone. We talked for about a year when I was single but he was in a relationship. He told me he liked me then (this was about 6 years ago before I was within my now husband) and I turned him down saying he wasn’t my type (slept around etc) but I wanted to be friends.

When I met my now husband we began to date and became boyfriend and girlfriend my friend (let’s call him Adam) stopped speaking to me all together with no explanation which I understood was because of his feelings towards me. That was years ago, but as I said two days I ago I received a message from him.

Prior to this message I had congratulated him and his girlfriend on their new baby via Facebook (on their wall in public eye).
The message I received from Adam was this

‘I didn’t reply to your message because I feel really weird talking to you. I liked you so much before and now we’re both in relationships and have children, I know we only ever talked to each other but I think about you all the time. I’ve never got along with a girl as well as I do with you but I know nothing could ever happen with us And I have to accept that’

To that I responded ‘Adam, I always wondered why you stopped speaking to me and this has confirmed it for me, is this something we need to talk about?’

His response ‘I don’t want to sound pathetic but I really liked you, I have big regrets and you are in my head all the time but I accept there’s nothing I can do but live with it’

I responded ‘I do want to know if you’re serious or not’ (I said this as he is known for being a joker/ likes to prank)

His response ‘deadly serious’

I haven’t responded since but I feel strongly about not speaking to him at the moment.
I feel guilty... Because a part of me liked what he said. I liked hearing that he had feelings for me still. Yes I KNOW he is with someone and I KNOW he has a baby but those are his demons not mine. Even though it does make me realise even more that I would never want to be with him as this is not the type of ‘man’ I would want to be with. But there IS a part of me that feels
Something. I don’t know what it is and I’ve tried to think if it’s excitement? Guilt? The thought of being found attractive? (I have very low self esteem about my looks) .. I don’t know.

I have considered telling my husband but, my point is, if I tell him then we argue and he asks questions of which I don’t have the answers to as I have not done anything wrong. But a part of me also doesn’t want to tell him because of what he’s hidden from me in the past and very recently?

I think I do like Adam, but I don’t know if it’s because I’m unhappy in my marriage? Because I don’t feel particularly unhappy or happy. I feel stagnant I suppose. I just really don’t know what to do and I am deeply troubled with all of this. What do I do? I feel anxiety ridden every day. Please help
X

OP posts:

Report

LiteraryType · 27/04/2020 17:34

Don't go there. Think about how you'd feel it your husband did that to you. It might feel fun and flattering now but soon it will be a guilty secret and may get out of hand. If for no one else, avoid for his dp and their child. Women should show solidarity - he is likely bored/rejected and needs a little ego boost. You may not be the only one he's messaging right now. You are better than this.