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Married and confused - need help!(19 Posts)
The reason I’m posting here is because I am at a loss. I cannot discuss this with any friends or family for fear of judgement. So please, I would appreciate advice on this issue but not judgement.
I am married, 3 years, to a very kind and loving man. We have a 2 month year old who I love dearly. In previous years of our relationship my husband has deleted messages from two women. This happened 4 years ago and after some time apart I moved on. I never forgave but i loves him too much to leave. In the last 2 weeks, I found myself compelled to look through his phone. (Call it women's intuition?) I hadn’t done this in over 2 years. And I found that he had sent a message to a woman he works with and deleted it, again.
I confronted him immediately actually waking him up to ask about it. He apologised and said that the message was only to say congratulations on her new baby, which I obviously questioned why he would delete a message of that nature? His response was that he was afraid of my reaction and that I would be angry because I’ve been angry about it before. Not a good enough reason for me. We argued and I didn’t speak to him for a few days, very hard with a newborn, and I decided that I couldn’t be angry. I don’t know if it’s because I’m older now and wiser, or because I’m a mum now and things just don’t seem that important or because lockdown is silently forcing me to be more calm? I don’t know. But it still bothers me daily.
The reason I’m explaining this is because two days ago I received a message from a man I used to be friends with. And I use friends in a very loose way. We knew each other through friends and spoke online and met once in a big group of people but never hung out alone. We talked for about a year when I was single but he was in a relationship. He told me he liked me then (this was about 6 years ago before I was within my now husband) and I turned him down saying he wasn’t my type (slept around etc) but I wanted to be friends.
When I met my now husband we began to date and became boyfriend and girlfriend my friend (let’s call him Adam) stopped speaking to me all together with no explanation which I understood was because of his feelings towards me. That was years ago, but as I said two days I ago I received a message from him.
Prior to this message I had congratulated him and his girlfriend on their new baby via Facebook (on their wall in public eye).
The message I received from Adam was this
‘I didn’t reply to your message because I feel really weird talking to you. I liked you so much before and now we’re both in relationships and have children, I know we only ever talked to each other but I think about you all the time. I’ve never got along with a girl as well as I do with you but I know nothing could ever happen with us And I have to accept that’
To that I responded ‘Adam, I always wondered why you stopped speaking to me and this has confirmed it for me, is this something we need to talk about?’
His response ‘I don’t want to sound pathetic but I really liked you, I have big regrets and you are in my head all the time but I accept there’s nothing I can do but live with it’
I responded ‘I do want to know if you’re serious or not’ (I said this as he is known for being a joker/ likes to prank)
His response ‘deadly serious’
I haven’t responded since but I feel strongly about not speaking to him at the moment.
I feel guilty... Because a part of me liked what he said. I liked hearing that he had feelings for me still. Yes I KNOW he is with someone and I KNOW he has a baby but those are his demons not mine. Even though it does make me realise even more that I would never want to be with him as this is not the type of ‘man’ I would want to be with. But there IS a part of me that feels
Something. I don’t know what it is and I’ve tried to think if it’s excitement? Guilt? The thought of being found attractive? (I have very low self esteem about my looks) .. I don’t know.
I have considered telling my husband but, my point is, if I tell him then we argue and he asks questions of which I don’t have the answers to as I have not done anything wrong. But a part of me also doesn’t want to tell him because of what he’s hidden from me in the past and very recently?
I think I do like Adam, but I don’t know if it’s because I’m unhappy in my marriage? Because I don’t feel particularly unhappy or happy. I feel stagnant I suppose. I just really don’t know what to do and I am deeply troubled with all of this. What do I do? I feel anxiety ridden every day. Please help
Don't go there. Think about how you'd feel it your husband did that to you. It might feel fun and flattering now but soon it will be a guilty secret and may get out of hand. If for no one else, avoid for his dp and their child. Women should show solidarity - he is likely bored/rejected and needs a little ego boost. You may not be the only one he's messaging right now. You are better than this.
Thank you for your comments. I appreciate what you’ve said about his partner and child etc. However, you say what if my husband did that to me, he has? Which is where my issue lies. Can I ask how you think Adam was only looking for an ego boost if I didn’t reply saying I reciprocated?
You're just as bad as your husband. You guys need a serious conversation. You have a baby to think about!
Sorry- my first line didn't type so that sounded harsher than I meant it to be! If you continue this messaging then you are just as bad as your husband.
I think 'Adam' is making it up - why I don't know.
Block and ignore.
I haven’t messaged him? I even stipulated that I haven’t responded and even said I have no intention on responding. And I did ask not to have judgement? Your judging rather than advising which is the whole point of this website. The fact that you jump straight to insulting me rather than even caring what he’s done to me is bizarre. You clearly didn’t read it properly. And I love my baby more than life itself. But if her parents are unhappy then surely that isn’t healthy for her and I’m thinking about her more by considering my own happiness. People who stay together for children are not happy and in my opinion make their children unhappy as they stay and argue around them rather than being happy. If I’m not happy then neither is my baby. You seem extremely old fashioned and I’m not going to listen to that type of ‘advice’
Hi! What do you mean? As in, it’s a joke?
I think anyone who thought about someone else all the time would go off and married someone else.
You're flattered and that's normal.
With a young baby it's nice to be seen as more than just a mum.
The first year of a child s life is really hard work but it goes get easier and you do find time for each other again.
I did ask not to have judgement? Your judging rather than advising which is the whole point of this website.
Are you new here?
You have a two month old baby, I’m always amazed/impressed/staggered people have time or inclination to indulge in this stuff when they’re getting to know the brand new person they chose to create.
Were you in an unhappy marriage 11 months ago when you decided to have a baby with your husband who you clearly don’t trust?
No one on here can possibly know what Adam’s motivations are but it’s sad that with new babies you should be focusing on you’re both giving headspace to school yard musings on who fancies who.
You need to focus on your marriage and stop mooning over people who may have got away.
Because ADAM probably expects you to reply. And knowing how it feels to have this done to you should make you think twice about doing it to your DH. You know how painful it is. And you have the moral high ground at the moment. Don't lose that ;)
A completely pointless post. Completely unnecessary and all it’s done is made you look very bitter. Why bother coming here if you’re going to leave nasty hateful comments. You must be bored. Thank you for your time and I will not be responding to any further rubbish.
Thank you very much for the helpful advice. I do take on board what you’ve said. I am feeling less at the moment and suffering with post natal depression and it’s very hard so I appreciate your advice. Thank you
Thank you for your advice I do appreciate your comments. And you’re right it’s not fair to act the same as him.
Two wrongs don’t make a right. But I was just feeling lost. I’ve never even mentally strayed or had any thoughts about anyone else bar my husband since I’ve known him so I was wondering why now when I’ve had other men telling me similar things during our relationship and never been interested
I think Adam sounds a bit bored or lonely and in need of some way of keeping himself entertained.
If your marriage is struggling / you are unhappy, then that is the issue that needs to be addressed, by having a very honest conversation with your partner and maybe considering some marriage therapy.
Leave Adam and his issues out of your life.
Gosh, sounds like a novel.
I'm with AnneLovesGilbert on this one.
You’re right. I will speak with my husband about how I’m feeling and see what happens
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