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Tell me this means nothing bad

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Cantthinkofanameeee Mon 27-Apr-20 09:41:57

I have been in a seemingly happy relationship for nearly 6 years.Partner has been nothing but great.We have children together & hes been an attentive partner and dad throughout it all...pregnancy...Childbirth...Everything.He works hard.Comes home with a smile on his face.Helps clean...Does diy...Cuddles me..tells me I'm beautiful all the time...Sex is great...I've never felt an issue...I've been in abusive relationships prior to him...VERY abusive.And it has lasted on me.Im a very insecure person.I have OCD & Body dismorphia...I self loathe a lot.And he is reassuring and very supportive.Ive had councilling medication & cbt over the years when I flare up...And I suffered quite bad post natal depression after our first child...we have a young baby and after she was born I found out he had been working along side a girl at his construction job...And it sent my health down badly.I felt like 1.Im so insecure hes too scared to even tell me hes been working with a woman so our relationship clearly isnt as great as I thought.And he must hate me.Ect...que self pity! OR 2.All my insecurities from the past are real and he isnt the prince charming...hes been having an affair with her...And hes just like the rest of them...He said it was because he didnt want to make me worry or feel insecure.So it is what it is...we talked it through...I apologised and told him it's my fault and I need to work on my self esteem so he doesnt feel the need to lie to me...And that's what I've been doing...Councilling...medication...And looking forward to being a better me for him...THEN...I sent him a returns label to his email...To return something for me...He couldnt find it...so I tried looking...I went in his spam box and saw porn invites...Invites to "meet" and fuck...Ect...I felt like dying...He has denied all knowledge...I've clicked on the links and it either says sorry error no website found or just offers me to sign up...I've basically become very unwell...typed his email into every website possible to see if hes a member...harassed him night and day to be honest...does he watch porn? (Weve had this convo and he says before we met and he was single he watched porn...but he doesnt need to now) but I cant drop it...why would he get these emails...He says they sell your email address...its age and gender defined...Or old porn use ect...Fast forward a month I've not dropped it...And finally 2 days ago he admitted he has watched porn occasionally out of habit...Its a quick wank...Its not cheating he just knew how I would feel so hes lied...It doesnt mean anything about me or how he feels about me...he can take it or leave it..and since I broke down about the girl at work he realised how vulnerable I was and stopped all use because he knew how it would make me feel...he still denies the spam emails are related...He doesnt pay or use web cams...Hes not signed up to ANYTHING...Its a quick scroll on porn hub if I'm out with freinds or before the odd bath...And hes so so sorry...hes cried...I've cried and tbh I feel suicidal...I know my mental health is prob the reason for all of this and I'm in the wrong...But I feel so unwanted...like hes had a secret life I'm not part of...him looking at someone else and her making him turned on hurts my heart so badly...I've lost weight...ive not eaten for days.I lay awake til 3 4 in the morning imaging him looking at these women...I feel like hes not the same to me anymore...And that all these years are lies...I am going to seek help...but with the virus I know I wont be able to see anyone...I've had thoughts of driving my car into a wall...I'm such a mess and I just dont have another heartbreak left in me...can any man or woman please explain porn to me in a honest way...I am an attractive female...so people tell me...Im slim.Ive had breast implants after my baby so I'm not saggy in that area...I take care of myself...And we do have a good regular sex life...What's happening here?...please be kind...I'm very fragile right now...I know I'm to blame because I'm over bearing...

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 27-Apr-20 10:06:08

You need to book an urgent appointment with your GP and get some help. Thinking about driving into a wall, not sleeping or eating, are serious things and disproportionate to finding out your boyfriend has a female colleague and gets spam emails. Nearly everyone gets those. My work email was bombarded for a while with junk email about protein shakes, penis enlargement and full on naked pictures of women who apparently wanted to show me a good time. I don’t watch porn and send and receive the most boring of work emails.

If him looking at porn is something you’ve discussed and is a deal breaker in your relationship that’s one thing. But I don’t see that he lied about working with this woman, he just chose not to tell you, which given your extreme reaction is completely understandable.

Please get urgent help. GPs are still seeing people.

Deathgrip Mon 27-Apr-20 10:13:04

Honestly, I detest porn generally but what you are doing is not okay. I’m trying to be gentle here because I know you are really struggling and I’m sorry you’ve had such a difficult time in the past, but the trauma you’ve experienced has led you to a situation where you are being controlling and I’m sure you know that. Your reaction is absolutely disproportionate and indicates that you need real life help urgently. He’s scared to tell you innocuous things because of how you’ll react - you know that this isn’t normal and not the sign of a loving and mutually respectful relationship.

I understand what it’s like to have been in a very abusive relationship but you need to seek help and work hard to prevent that trauma from turning you into an abusive partner yourself.

Please contact your GP and / or any mental health professionals you are currently under - it’s so important to address this, for yourself as well as for your family.

Sending flowers

Cantthinkofanameeee Mon 27-Apr-20 10:13:19

AnneLovesGilbert thankyou for replying...I accept & understand how unwell I am...And the female work colleague isnt the reason I feel this way...we worked through that and I've been a lot better...now the lying about porn has come out its sent me spiralling again...He was told all along I dont want him watching porn it makes me feel insecure and he said he doesnt...I dont watch porn and never have...So now I feel so hurt.The emails are offering to meet?...What does this mean for us...How can I eat or sleep not knowing if hes been on sites trying to meet people...and how can I take his word when hes lied so much now...

Welshgal85 Mon 27-Apr-20 10:14:40

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Please talk to someone, you can ring people like the Samaritans or Mind who will listen and support you. There is also some helpful info on their websites you may find helpful.

About the spam emails thing. I get those and have never watched porn so he is right about that, they do get people’s email addresses from all sorts of places and send spam emails out. I get them all the time, no idea why and can’t seem to stop them from coming through!

I hope you are able to get some support and talk to people about how you are feeling. Lots of GP’s are doing online/phone appointments now too which may be useful?

Cantthinkofanameeee Mon 27-Apr-20 10:16:36

Deathgrip..
Thankyou for your reply...I know I'm in the wrong.Im trying so hard to be a better person...But him lying to me isnt making that easy for me...I said no porn...and I think that's my right...Hes lied...And now I'm the bad guy...the mental one...The reason.I only bring up my past as a way of being honest about the fact that I know I'm affected by it in this realtionship and accepting I can be the problem....I just want to be honest and open about everything so the right opinions can be made...

Deathgrip Mon 27-Apr-20 10:17:46

The emails are offering to meet?...What does this mean for us...How can I eat or sleep not knowing if hes been on sites trying to meet people...and how can I take his word when hes lied so much now.

Honestly, those emails are more than likely bots, fishing for responses. Twitter is full of them and email addresses are sold on for spamming (hence the fact they’ve gone to his spam folder). I’ve even had some myself and have never been near a dating or porn site ever.

Cantthinkofanameeee Mon 27-Apr-20 10:18:36

Welshgal85 thankyou...This only happened a few days ago...so as a family we are trying to decide what's best for me...I hope this will last a few weeks and blow over...And I can continue to do councilling and hopefully stop this happening in life in future...X

Deathgrip Mon 27-Apr-20 10:20:44

I do get that. My abusive ex was a porn addict and it honestly destroyed our lives. I absolutely hate porn and would rather it didn’t exist. My DH is not a regular consumer of porn - he has been in the past before we met and I’m sure he’s viewed it here and there. I’m not thrilled about it, and if you want to lay down a hard line about zero porn then that’s absolutely your right but unfortunately you can’t control whether he complies with that rule - you can only control what you do if he ignores it.

Cantthinkofanameeee Mon 27-Apr-20 10:21:06

He says they arent even legit sites...Do these look real?I've never been on porn sites

Candyfloss99 Mon 27-Apr-20 10:21:27

I get these emails all the time. In fact my spam box is just full of emails asking me to sign up to porn, for viagara pills, to meet horny women etc. I have never watched porn or anything like it or searched for anything like this. I just must put my email address in a lot of shopping etc websites or maybe it's entering competitions. As for the woman at his work, I wouldn't even think to tell my DP if I was working with a man. I think everything is ok and you are catastrophising. It doesn't matter if your DH watched porn once or twice. Speak to him about it without accusing him and hopefully he can calm you.

Cantthinkofanameeee Mon 27-Apr-20 10:24:54

Thankyou deathgrip...I was never aware of my ex did use porn...it more comes from the abuse...being called fat and ugly...the violence ect...I've had to have a nose job because i had my nose and eye socket broken...I just feel so ugly all the time...To know he would get hard over someone else hurts my heart so bad...I'm shaking all the time.My chest is so tight I cant breath...I feel sick...really sick.Cant even look at food...I just dont want to live like this anymore...He did say he wasnt watching it.. so the lie is bad aswell...honestly if you knew him...you would blame me...he really is such a kind soul...Loves me to death...I see the guilt on his face when he looks at me...I dont want to do that to him...I feel terrible...But I just think...he knew I'd feel this way and he still done it...he chose that over me and my feelings...why couldnt he resist for me...

AzraiL Mon 27-Apr-20 10:25:17

To be fair, I don't watch porn and don't have a membership to any of those sites and I still receive those emails, inviting me to meet women, etc. Along with those scam emails about being hacked and them having 'footage' of me and being blackmailed for bitcoin.

There's no footage. There's no porn. It happens to a lot of people.

Having said that, please go to your GP as soon as you can. Good luck.

TheRealCaroleBaskin Mon 27-Apr-20 10:26:28

It's just spam emails. I get tonnes of them everyday offering me to look at pictures, meet up etc. They are just sent out generically with no clue if they are going out to man, woman or what!
I get loads offering me penis extensions.......I definitely don't have a penis!

Cantthinkofanameeee Mon 27-Apr-20 10:28:13

Thankyou candyfloss99 I'd rather take the blame than any of this mean he doesnt want me...I am trying to be better.Im seeking help...I'm being open with him...And as much as I'm wrong...maybe he is wrong to agree to not watch it...and lie to me...if he wanted too...and it's so natural and normal...he should put me in my place...I cant take uncertainty...I would rather hear the bad than be lied too...because that leaves my brain to catastrophise...And think worse...x

Ulver Mon 27-Apr-20 10:28:17

Deathgrip is right, cam girls and dodgy porn and scamming sites will email randomly offering to meet. It’s usually to try and drive traffic to their sites or to extort money.
There is no real evidence that your husband has done anything wrong, using mainstream porn is in the realms of totally normal behaviour. If he chooses to stop because it upsets you that’s fine but he’s not a deviant.
I’m surprised you have a boob job if you are not in the slightest bit buying into a porn aesthetic?
But most importantly you need to see a doctor straight away. You can see doctors despite Coronavirus, call your GP and they will assess you and give you an urgent appointment.
You probably require medication immediately. Are you on any at the moment?

Buggedandconfused Mon 27-Apr-20 10:28:45

OP if he is a good man I would not be upset by a bit of porn. The emails offering to meet are just spam, or doesn’t mean he’s been messing around.
Please get some help, CBT counselling helped me a lot. Because of your past you are getting triggered, you need to learn how to deal with these trigger points.
However, if porn use is a deal breaker and a big boundary for you then that’s your right. Just try to get some perspective and weigh up whether life without an otherwise great partner is worth giving up for something an awful lot of men do.

BackseatCookers Mon 27-Apr-20 10:29:02

That's a spam email. It's also a red herring, because your priority needs to be your reaction to these things whether they are authentic or spam.

You need to book an urgent GP appointment and tell them how fragile your mental health is at the moment.

And if him using porn is a dealbreaker for you and means you cannot possibly have a healthy relationship, then you need to communicate that to him and if you find out he's been using porn you need to own that dealbreaker and end it.

You can't control and manipulate someone into 'obeying' your rules. I know you don't feel like you're abusing / controlling / manipulating him and that you don't mean to do so, but getting to the point where your mental health is so fragile he hasn't been able to tell you he works with a woman is absolutely shocking. I'm not saying he was right to lie but it sounds like he was backed into a corner.

You would never have been happy about him working closely with a female colleague and would have quizzed him about it relentlessly whenever you found out so I don't blame him for not telling you. It's work and he works with the colleagues who do the appropriate job, whether they are male or female.

I'm trying to be gentle with you while also explaining how far out of the norm this behaviour is because I really think you need to seek some help.

You're spiralling and having intrusive thoughts. That's serious and you deserve support but your husband is not suitably qualified to do the job of a mental health professional and he can't fix this problem. He can support you as a partner, but you need external support quickly thanks

MMmomDD Mon 27-Apr-20 10:29:11

OP - I hope you get help and continue to work on your issues.
And I really feel for your bf as it’s extremely hard to live with someone with your sort of issues, and he has been managing it for years.
He sees women everyday, everywhere, on the streets as public transport. And that he is a freaks to tell you he has a female colleague for the fear you will take it badly is sad.
As to the spam emails - that you won’t let go of for months - I am sorry. Have you not heard of spam? This is why a special folder exists in all email accounts - because random sex and all kinds of other emails arrive to all of us daily.

Do get help. It’s no way to live for him and for you.

Menora Mon 27-Apr-20 10:33:34

I agree with everyone else you need help urgently for your mental wellbeing

I have never signed up to a porn site in my life but I have a ton of spam email about porn as well.

Cantthinkofanameeee Mon 27-Apr-20 10:34:11

Thanks for your reply Ulver I agree.Thankyou for your reassurance about the emails...like I said I have told him porn is a no go for me in a realtionship as it makes me insecure and he agreed he didnt watch it.Now I find out he has...And as for my boob job...my breasts were saggy after my children and I was unhappy with that...so I had them uplifted and implants to make my self esteem a bit better...I havent watched porn...so I'm not doing it to buy into any sort of porn...

Cantthinkofanameeee Mon 27-Apr-20 10:35:58

Beatseatcookers thankyou and I know your right...my intrusive thoughts are taking over...and I know the porn use is a trigger for the feelings of being unwanted...abused...ugly ect...i go through this at councilling...and i do tell my partner my triggers ect...And that's why i said no to porn use...He chose to do it anyway and lie...And now I feel this way

cooldarkroom Mon 27-Apr-20 10:42:18

They are completely random spam emails, I get dozens a week. I have never watched porn, cheated or anything akin to Porn
Ask yourself why would he let you look at his computer if he was hiding dodgy porn ?
You need to get help before your H can't take this anymore

BackseatCookers Mon 27-Apr-20 10:45:49

I'm going to challenge you gently on that OP - you've mentioned him not being untruthful and followed it with "and now I feel like this" but the issues with your mental health were very serious far before you finding out about the porn.

He felt unable to tell you he worked with a woman because he knew how you would react to it. He's done things clumsily I agree, but he has done so to avoid consequences he finds scary for both of you.

If he hadn't looked at porn and had told you he was working with a woman, don't you still think you would have questioned him a lot on that women and had grave concerns he might have an affair with her?

We are all accountable even when we are poorly. I'm an ex addict and also have bipolar disorder. Going onto the right medication has changed my life - I am calm and secure and in a healthy relationship for the first time, following a string of abusive ones.

It is possible to manage / conquer the demons you've been left with by your arsehole ex but you can't project them onto other people's behaviour and use that as a get out of jail free card for damaging someone else's mental health. I know you aren't doing that consciously but that's what's happening in reality - your mental health is taking priority over his so he feels backed into a corner for fear of upsetting or angering you.

You have spiralled and you are having a worrying mental health episode - please call your GP and get the ball rolling. We can be here to support you and it sounds like your husband will do too, but you need some professional support ASAP thanks

MitziK Mon 27-Apr-20 10:47:00

This means nothing bad.

You are being unreasonable. Because you are unwell.

They are spam emails. I get them. No idea why I would be interested in penile enhancement or meeting a sexy Russian in my area tonight - (checks quickly) no, I've not grown a penis overnight, nor have I lost my mind and thought that they were in any way real people. I've not ever watched porn or registered for porn sites, but I still get some webcam chat spam, just not as much as if I had registered for such sites in the past or my email address had been harvested/sold/stolen from other non pornography related sites.

I think it's pretty clear why he wouldn't tell you he watched pornography. Not my thing. But whilst it doesn't appeal in the slightest for many reasons, I wouldn't be reacting as you are if DP said he'd watched it. For a start, typing his email address in every one of their sites has potentially provided them with it for further spam if they didn't have it already. Then again, I don't see the need to quiz about whether he has or not.

And it explains exactly why he's not said there is somebody female working where he does.

- Because your reactions are extreme and disproportionate due to your mental health and previous experiences.

You really need urgent support from your GP, and possibly some Mental Health professionals. Please make urgent appointments.

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