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Overwhelmed by my EA...please help

(42 Posts)
SBLL Mon 27-Apr-20 09:41:13

Name changed for this and also prepared to get an absolute flaming.

I'm stuck in an unhappy 8 year relationship with a 3 year old DD. I cry almost every day from us arguing and we have had filthy rows during lockdown, our families hate each other and we have been in separate beds for about 5 months. I am financially dependant on him.

About 5 weeks ago I met a man online. He is married with 2 children. We have the same hobbies, work in the same job field and have the same kind of personality. We've joked that we are male and female clones of each other.

Its the most bizarre emotional feeling but from the word go we've had an amazing connection and we've shared everything about our lives, relationships, sexual fantasties, you name it. We chat everyday (sometimes until the early hours) and have skyped a few times. He's said I am his best friend and last week told me he loved me, to which I reciprocated. He's even talked about leaving his wife but said he wouldn't until his children were older. He wants to meet up after lockdown. We live 80 miles apart so we aren't on each other's doortsteps or anything.

Basically I'm asking for people to talk some sense into affairs ruin lives? I genuinely haven't felt like this about anyone before and he said he feels the same, he told me I am his soulmate. Is this real or all in my head? I feel terrible for his wife and children...but I'm so attached to him already. If anyone has any positive stories to share I'd also like to hear them.

Thanks for reading. Prepared for huge flaming.

OP’s posts: |
Krazynights34 Mon 27-Apr-20 09:53:18

No affairs with people you have never met is a great way to live.
He definitely doesn’t just want a fuck.
You are definitely doing the right thing by planning an affair (which you haven’t said he wants) rather than leave your relationship.
Of course it’s 100% genuine. 5 weeks is plenty of time to decide to leave a (presumably previously lived wife) for a complete stranger.
Of course you can only find your “soulmate” online and if they are “clones” of you.
None of the children will mind. Your respective families will be delighted and cheering you on.
Etc etc etc.
I’m calling bullshit on this.

strongcloud Mon 27-Apr-20 10:07:23

I am sorry you are in such a bad situation at home OP.
But I can't help but think that are looking for a man to rescue you from your current situation. This won't happen. You need to find a way to build a life for yourself. And you need to find a way to calm things down at home.
If you left your husband, could you move in with your parents?

Patch23042 Mon 27-Apr-20 10:11:08

Cut contact with this married man (obviously) and then after lockdown, get a job so that you’re not financially reliant on another person. Then, you’ll be in a much stronger position.

Happyspud Mon 27-Apr-20 10:15:22

If you thought things were bad before meeting this man, they are likely going to get far far worse.

You need to focus on extracting yourself from your current relationship. And this EA man sounds dangerous. What he’s doing with you says wayyyyyy too much about him and his intentions. Cut him out now or I promise you, life is going to get a hell of a lot harder and worse and out of control very soon.

SBLL Mon 27-Apr-20 10:16:13

Strongcloud, that's exactly what I am looking for, someone to rescue me sad and I know it won't happen. My parents won't have me unless for a very short time as my daughter is a handful. Patch, I do have a job but it's part time and not enough to cover the mortgage and bills if i was on my own.

OP’s posts: |
SBLL Mon 27-Apr-20 10:20:20

Happyspud, why dangerous? It does feel out of control a bit already hmm I know I have to stop it but it's addictive having someone in your life when you are so miserable. I know that sounds pathetic! sad

OP’s posts: |
Aerial2020 Mon 27-Apr-20 10:42:58

Yes affairs do ruin lives.
He's an escapism and sounds like he is using you.
I think you've romanticised it because that's what you want to believe.
You haven't met him and he's telling you it's love? He's telling you what you want to hear.
I hope you find another way to fight the sadness you have but he is not the answer.

SBLL Mon 27-Apr-20 10:47:35

Aerial, surely someone wouldn't be so cruel to say you were their best friend and they loved you if it was all total bollocks? confused

OP’s posts: |
Aerial2020 Mon 27-Apr-20 10:56:34

Of course they would.
I hate to say this as I'm not having having a go but it's quite naive to think everyone would be so nice.
Online is not real if you haven't met, he can sat whatever he likes. You don't know him
Please be careful.

Aerial2020 Mon 27-Apr-20 11:00:01

I sense he has worked out you are vulnerable and he is giving you classic lines to draw you in. He's even said he 'can't ' leave his wife til his kids are older so he is already preparing you to expect nothing more from him than an affair.
How do you know he's not saying the same thing to other women too?
How can you be best friends after 5 weeks??? Crazy.

PippaPegg Mon 27-Apr-20 11:00:48

Enjoy the fantasy. It's much more enjoyable than reality.

But eventually you will have to face reality. Unfortunately your DC is being damaged from the toxic environment. You have to put them first however hard it is.

strongcloud Mon 27-Apr-20 11:18:50

He might be living in in this as a happy fantasy too. He has told you he will not leave his wife whilst his children are young. This mean he isn't going to leave at all. That is what is telling you that this is an enjoyable fantasy for him, - not something he wants the messiness of reality for.
I totally understand why you formed these feelings about this man.
He makes you feel cared for and seen. It makes you feel good and safe when you are with him online.
But I really don't think it exists as a real relationship for either of you.
And he has told you he is not leaving for a life with you.
I suggest you look at what benefits you can get as a single parent - there is website - soemething like 'what am I entitled to'. You may find you can afford to leave and then you may be able to form a new relationship with someone who loves you AND wants to be with you (and that is not this guy).

AnyFucker Mon 27-Apr-20 11:21:39

surely someone wouldn't be so cruel to say you were their best friend and they loved you if it was all total bollocks?

You've got a lot to learn and I sense you are going to do it the hard way.

strongcloud Mon 27-Apr-20 11:21:43

Or call citizens advice and ask them what you could get. Look into what maintenance you will be entitled to as well. You and your daughter will live miserably in that life. I mean, if your DP is miserable too, he is likely to up and leave you one day, so you may as well plan how to leave yourself now.

PinkMonkeyBird Mon 27-Apr-20 11:22:11

This is nuts.

m1seryguts Mon 27-Apr-20 11:23:48

He's already spelled it out to you that he won't be leaving his wife. You're far enough away for this not to be a danger to him if you travel to him regularly "to meet" (for sex).

Wake up, OP.

NoMoreDickheads Mon 27-Apr-20 11:27:59

Aerial, surely someone wouldn't be so cruel to say you were their best friend and they loved you if it was all total bollocks?

@SBLL Have you had much experience of men? grin Many of them will say any old thing to get laid.

Also , even if he means the whole 'love,' 'soulmate,' wanting to run away with you thing, that's a really bad sign after only 5 weeks! It means he's emotionally/behaviourally disinhibited and dysregulated. You don't feel that, or don't say that, after such a short length of time- even if you've met, let alone when you haven't.

Most of us might have thoughts that we're really into someone, maybe they're the one etc but then we'd talk ourselves out of it and say 'hang on, I haven't even met her yet' 'it's only been 5 weeks etc. We definitely wouldn't say it, as with most people it'd be the wrong thing to say as it makes us come across as too intense.

So he's either a liar or emotionally unstable.

Where did you find him?

For God's sake, don't send him any money!

ArriettyJones Mon 27-Apr-20 11:29:00

Rescue yourself. Work out what steps you need to do it and crack on as soon as possible. I realise lockdown might complicate this. You have a three year old relying on you, who needs stability, not a married man involved with mummy, so stop the adolescent online nonsense, and have some faith in your own ability to get yourself out of this mess.

You really do need to develop some belief in your own strength.

ArriettyJones Mon 27-Apr-20 11:29:46

Aerial, surely someone wouldn't be so cruel to say you were their best friend and they loved you if it was all total bollocks?

Oh good grief. Is this a wind up? hmm

Fizzysours Mon 27-Apr-20 11:31:34

It is very hard to believe, but people almost always believe APs are their mirror or soulmate. It is almost every affair and it is almost always not true. It is because this relationship is not in any way real intimacy, no matter how much it feels that way, and you are both mirroring each other and charming each other. All the nice bits of falling head over heels but without reality. He really is unlikely to be your soul mate. Ask around about that OP as I know it sounds hard to believe... but it's just a characteristic of the affair process. It's lethal as it sucks people in and makes them do stupid stuff. It's not real.

MMmomDD Mon 27-Apr-20 11:31:40

Your relationship is not working, so you are looks for an escape, which is understandable. And on your side - there isn’t much of a life to ruin. It’s ruined already.

If you can keep your head on and not get too ahead of yourself - and affair - real or virtual could give you a bit of reprieve.
However, in your case - it’s unlikely. You seem to believe that after 5 weeks or chatting one can fall in love.
All you know at this point is that on the surface you are compatible. And that he is possibly also as unhappy as you are.
If all of that is true - then maybe there is some chance that you’ll get along in the real world.
It also is possible that he is mimicking back what he is hearing from you. And telling you what he thinks you want to hear. (And for the record - anyone telling someone they met 5 weeks ago that they love them is plain weird. Unless, maybe they are teenagers. And you haven’t even met, only virtually)
You don’t really know him. Take your time, if you chose to continue.

In the long run - you will still need to sort out your relationship as it’s not a way to live or raise a child.

Fizzysours Mon 27-Apr-20 11:33:01

@AnyFucker you always put things so brilliantly....

IHaveAMagicBean Mon 27-Apr-20 11:35:09

Things will never get better at home whilst you’re continuing this EA!

Dump the married man, start working on your relationship with your actual husband. If you split, then is the time to start looking online for another man, not now.

IHaveAMagicBean Mon 27-Apr-20 11:36:48

* someone wouldn't be so cruel to say you were their best friend and they loved you if it was all total bollocks*

Men will say anything if they think it’s a way into your knickers! @AnyFucker sums it up. Stop being so naive.

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