What does 'fun' mean

[maudspellbody]

About 18 months ago, I was left by my boyfriend of five years for someone else.

It is a long and drawn out story, which I don't want to go into.

The problem is, it has made me feel pretty insecure about something.

He told me OW was 'fun' or 'fun to be with'. He used those words a lot of times.

What does it mean?

I think I am quite witty, warm, easy company. I can be playful and silly. I'm more often serious than not (busy life, 2 children - one with SEN, I studied for a MA during our relationship, I have a stressful job...), but I wouldn't have thought I wasn't 'fun'.

I am not always happy, though. I am quite emotional and don't suppress things, so when I'm happy, I'm happy and when I'm not, I'm visibly not. Is that a problem?

Am I even capable of 'fun-ness'?

Before someone says - I'm not sure this about novelty factor and we didn't live together, so it wasn't about getting bogged down in the daily grind. No one was washing each other's underwear. If I was a fun person, I probably would have managed to be fun a few times a week.

I wasn't. I didn't and he chose someone who is fun.

How do I fix this so that I'm not a fun sponge to the next poor bugger I end up with?

[Bellyfullofbiscuits]

You know ...that way madness lies. Do not torture yourself thinking like that . Do not compare. You sound bloody great. He was a idiot. The end.

[Greenkit]

THIS ^ with bells on

Move on he is a cunt, you are not x

[Cambionome]

Exactly what pps have said. Don't blame yourself for the way that he decides to behave.

[Somersetlady]

Partners who crave nicotine go and buy a box of fags, those who want alcohol go and get their booze , endorphin lovers hit exercise, adrenaline junkies do extreme sports.

You can not give someone fags if They crave extreme sport. A Run won’t do anything for the person after alcohol.

Simply accept that what he values/craves most he has not found in you that does not mean that future loves won’t!

[MaybeDoctor]

In my experience when the word 'fun' is used like that it means a woman who drinks quite a bit, laughs at his jokes, doesn't challenge male misbehaviour and definitely doesn't think too deeply.

You sound great, btw. Stay as you are.

[ThrowbackMagic]

OP you can safely dismiss what he’s said - you don’t need to change yourself in any way. He’s entitled to his own feelings but they reflect him not you. Maybe this other person has fewer responsibilities and likes going out every night - that is some people’s idea of fun, but on the other hand, some eejit boyfriend could turn round to her and complain that she’s immature, aimless, irresponsible, unsophisticated, unambitious, etc. etc. You’re not in this world to entertain him or fit his idea of ‘fun’.

It sounds like he’s done you a favour and you can now find someone who appreciates you for who you are. Your self-esteem has taken a hit and you’re now questioning yourself. But your life is all about you. Put him behind you and focus on what makes you happy. You sound lovely.

[GindependantWoman]

It doesn't matter what it means because the problem is him, not you.

[GindependantWoman]

Whoops, too soon.

You sound lovely. Just work on your self esteem and you will meet someone worth your time.

[petrocellihouse]

All relationships are 'fun' at the start, when each of you is trying to appear at your best. As time goes on, then the more mundane aspects of life creep in, and the dynamics of your relationship change, and conversations will inevitably centre around how much bread is left, who should be cooking dinner etc etc.... I am sure he and his new 'fun' woman will soon be having those sorts of conversations soon enough and he will probably move on to the next 'fun' person. What really counts though is how you manage the mundane. So in short....It's not you... its him! And as my old gran used to say, there's a lid for every pot! You don't need to change.

[DrawersDrama]

Well he's a twat isn't he, don't waste your time. You're well rid of him.

IME of divorce and OLD men use the word fun often in a sex context but also someone who is fun makes no demands whatsoever and allows him to behave exactly as he wants. Like a twat. Very common for OWs to be fun but of course they stop being fun by definition when they become wife/partner.

[1555CC]

Fun is overrated anyway.

[strongcloud]

In my experience when the word 'fun' is used like that it means a woman who drinks quite a bit, laughs at his jokes, doesn't challenge male misbehaviour and definitely doesn't think too deeply

This. It means that she was whatever he wanted her to be. A light bit of fluff, laughed at his jokes, agreed with his opinions, never called him out on anything or demanded anything of him and did what he wanted in bed.

Not something to aspire to.

[maudspellbody]

Thank you everyone.

I know you are all right - and all saying what I thought you would. Those are the things I'm telling myself too.

In a lot of ways, his OW was exactly the opposite of me. She doesn't have a career type job - she goes to work, doesn't have to think too much about it and goes home again. She doesn't have to take it with her.

She has a son, but she lives with her DM, who does the majority of the child rearing from what I have been told. She leaves him with her Mum to stay over at ex's most nights.

She probably has a whole lot fewer daily stresses than I do. Maybe that's it? I can't change that, though, can I?

I don't drink much. I have been wild and carefree in my youth. I was in a band until I was 27 and toured and had truly hair-raising times.

But I'm grown up now and I have big responsibilities and I have more stresses and demands on my time.

Maybe that is what is not fun?

You're right, though. I need to not give it any brain space. I think it's lockdown messing with me.

I am very independent. I enjoy being in control of my own destiny. I have been glad on several occasions talking to friends, who are locked in with their annoying DHs, that I am alone and able to please myself and my DC.

I also know that I want to meet someone and am now worried that I'm going to be trying to ramp up my fun side if I start dating again. I'm just trying to work out why I'm not fun - and how I can be again.

But I will stop!

[Happymum12345]

Take absolutely no notice of what he said. Don’t give it another moment thought. You are perfectly fine and lovely as you are. He was trying to justify why he’s with her & that is horrible. You’re worth so much more than this.

[Ketchupqueen1]

Some people’s fun is other people’s misery.

You are what you are, she is what she is. Sometimes some people are more compatible with someone else.

No need to dwell on it. Just be you and your compatible one will come.

[triedandtestedteacher]

Don't 'date' men indefinitely. 5 years is way too long with no commitment. There's no challenge there which is more of a problem than you not being 'fun'. Men get excitement from a bit of mystery. You sound too nice and too available. That's pretty boring. This book will show you partly where you've probably gone wrong. Helped me sort myself out after my divorce

https://blackwells.co.uk/bookshop/product/9781580627566?gC=5a105e8b&gclid=Cj0KCQjwhZr1BRCLARIsALjRVQPuZUqLukgs7ciPn6hLpyA8lWWD-G1t9zFHI5D-2u01MZmNBfN8EgaAnKZEALwwcB

[GindependantWoman]

Sounds like he wasn't ready to live as a grown up but has found someone else who isn't but seems to pretend.

[NewLevelsOfTiredness]

"Fun" means that he's not integrated into her life enough to be subject to any kind of responsibility or emotional baggage. The things that you need to take on to have a successful relationship. They're in a place where even though she too can be unhappy, she's still hiding it.

One day she'll unload some stress on him, and when he next chats to another girl he'll start thinking about how much more 'fun' she seems.

Or to put it another way, if he'd met her first and later met you, she could just as easily be sitting at home wondering in what way the new woman was more 'fun.'

Or to put it a more blunt way, it's him, not you.

[maudspellbody]

Thank you everyone.
I'm really struggling today and fixating. I need to try and distract myself. I think I am having a depressive episode.
You've really helped

[Haffdonga]

My friend's ex seriously tried to justify his affair to me by telling me that when he first met my friend she used to be fun. They married, had kids, ran a business and then she nearly died of a serious illness that needed long term treatment.

So apparently she stopped being fun and he got bored. He explained it was entirely reasonable of him to need to find this fun with someone else who could be spontaneous unlike my friend.

By his definition fun meant no strings sex, no responsibility for children, no financial commitments, no household chores and no boring health issues.

Good luck OP, fun says everything about your ex and nothing about you.

[triedandtestedteacher]

I've no doubt the guy probably is shallow and no loss but sometimes I think this kind of advice that just focuses on the man and what an arse he is is not that helpful when someone wants to move on and have a future successful relationship. You can not change other people. The only thing you can change is yourself and your behaviours. If you suffer from depression and you've had poor boundaries with men in the past or been treated badly you need to work on these things. What have you tolerated that you shouldn't? Did you ignore red flags early on? Do you behave like someone high value or are your expectations low? If you want a really great guy you need to become a great version of yourself inside and out.

[strongcloud]

Haffdonga is bang on the money. Reminds me of an ex - long ago ex - who complained when I was going through a difficult time that I was 'no fun when you are unhappy.'

*triedandtestedteacher' Well. I think in this case people have advised like this because OP seems to be blaming herself for not being 'fun'. We don't have any details to suggest OP has not had proper boundaries. In fact, her post seems to suggest that she has got on with building her own life and career throughout the relationship.

[triedandtestedteacher]

@strongcloud the 'fun' comment is a red herring. He lost interest so you have to look at why that happened.
I would suggest that dating someone (especially if you have dc) for five years with no commitment is an example of poor boundaries. Why let a guy waste all your younger years when he's not serious?

[fuckoffImcounting]

Fun? He is a cunt.

[TenShortStories]

It's not really anything to do with her though. It's all about how he felt. The two of you were tied down in long-term hum drum, probably having lots of practical conversations about day to day life. That's not terribly fun, but it's also normal. You often have to work a bit to retain the fun in a long-term relationship. With her there aren't any responsibilities or boring bits because it's all new and entirely focussed on enjoyment. He's mistaking that for her being fun when all it really means is that he's having fun. It has absolutely nothing to do with how fun you are as a person, please don't worry