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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

14 Year age gap, 2 years together and his kid

31 replies

Izzy2015 · 27/04/2020 02:06

have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. He’s 14 years older than me and has a daughter who is 3. His ex has always been spiteful and horrible towards me writing nasty things on fb (she doesn’t even know me) stalking me, and I feel like she’s still in love with my boyfriend. She has in the past sent me some horrible messages. She doesn’t want me to be around his daughter anymore and she is trying to come in between our relationship. This is really upsetting and a lot for me to deal with as I’ve had to put up with all the crap from her and his life for the past 2 years. It’s starting to affect my health it puts me down I feel anxious and overthink things and I’m not happy sad I don’t know what to do anymore? When he goes to pick his daughter up/see her I always feel on edge knowing that he’s there with her and I feel he still really likes him. I put things in my head of what could be happening. I get very down and I’m finding it all so hard and don’t think I can carry on doing this anymore as much as I love himsad he doesn’t understand how I feel and doesn’t see things how I do I tell him it hurts me and he says I understand I won’t do it again.
Please give me some advice

OP posts:

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Izzy2015 · 27/04/2020 02:07

Please I need some advice feeling down and have no one to talk to about this :(

OP posts:

rvby · 27/04/2020 02:12

Sorry can you explain the actual problem? Is it that he had an ex who's been nasty, or is it that you think he is still shagging her? Or is it that you're anxious in general and its affecting your ability to be happy in the relationship?

What's the main problem you want to resolve?

Guineapigbridge · 27/04/2020 02:29

As a mother, I'd say, the kind of man who'd leave a 1 year old is probably not that great a guy. Chances are, he won't be a great dad. Even if he is a great dad, you're always going to have the kid's mother in your life. She is always going to be around, so is the child. It's ALWAYS going to be complicated. You sound young, find someone simple and reliable to date. Don't accept less for yourself.

neverknewsomany · 27/04/2020 02:43

Bollocks about a person not being a good parent because they left a relationship. Do you love your partner enough to put up with all this grief?

UnderTheIroningBoard · 27/04/2020 03:07

Guineapigbridge that is rot. He hasn't left his daughter. He left his ex partner. It sounds like he is still seeing with his daughter and being involved in her life.

OP, this woman is going to have to be in your partners life for at least the next 15 years. That's the reality.

Isadora2007 · 27/04/2020 03:50

How old are you @Izzy2015? I know you mention he is 14 years older than you but I’m wondering if you’re very young and that’s why the ex is so annoyed or upset. If you’ve been together for 2 years now you really should be past this stage where you are concerned that the ex wants him back tbh. What she wants shouldn’t influence your partner one bit and he should be well able to not be tempted by this at all. Let him spend time with his child and stop worrying so much about the contact with his ex. I am not sure what it is he is doing that you say he says he won’t do again- but block her on FB and block her from contacting you and have nothing to do with her at all. Be a supportive girlfriend who helps her partner spend time with his child and let him have that one to one time with his daughter. Stop being insecure and jealous as you’ll only hurt yourself and become someone he doesn’t want to be with and that you don’t even like either. Like yourself and love yourself and Leave the bitter ex to stew.

tillytown · 27/04/2020 03:58

The end doesn't make sense, he says he won't do what again? Did he cheat on her? Or you?
If he is still sleeping with her, just leave. His ex is always going to be in his life because of their child, do you really want to have to keep dealing with this?

Sushiroller · 27/04/2020 07:02

As a mother, I'd say, the kind of man who'd leave a 1 year old is probably not that great a guy.

As someone without kids I actually agree with this.

You are young and have choices.
Are you sure you want to "choose" this life? It is a shit load of baggage, you dont sound like you have a secure attachment to him.
(By that i mean I never wonder if my DP is going to leave/be unfaithful/something bad will happen when he is with an ex /co worker /whatever because I trust him)

Also that child is permanent and they don't necessarily get easier as they get older especially if the mother is as vindictive as you claim - she may well try to weaponise her child.

If you go on to have children your DP/DH will still have to give a significant portion of salary as maintenance to his first child this may well impact your standard of living.

Are you prepared to sign up for all that?

teqcar · 27/04/2020 07:11

As a mother, I'd say, the kind of man who'd leave a 1 year old is probably not that great a guy.

He didn't leave his daughter. He is maintaining contact with her. He left the relationship, possibly, not the child. Perhaps the child's mother ended it, who knows?

I take more issue with the idiotic idea that people should remain in relationships because they have children.

SnuggyBuggy · 27/04/2020 07:13

I would read some threads on here about people who have babies with men that already have an ex and kids. It can be a very difficult situation and you need to appreciate what you might be getting into if you decide to stay with this man. I agree if he bailed on a 1 year old then he might well do it again to you.

At 14 years younger I'd consider if I could find a man without baggage to be honest.

Eesha · 27/04/2020 07:22

@Izzy2015 you've been with him for 2 years which is a long time but this drama could go on forever. Is that what you really want? My ex had so much drama, it was madness. I thought I could tolerate it but actually they were red flags that I should have taken note off. The bottom line is do you want this in your life?

Hileni · 27/04/2020 07:31

As a mother, I'd say, the kind of man who'd leave a 1 year old is probably not that great a guy.

Totally agree with this. Were you the OW, OP?

Hulahoopqueen · 27/04/2020 07:42

My DH and his ex split when their son was 5 months old. Because (in her own words) “I was bored and wanted someone more exciting” (they were very young parents). Three years later and he’s an incredible husband and father, and we have DSS 50/50. Splitting when the child is young does not necessarily a shitty father or partner make.
However, I think in this case you need to be open with him and explain your concerns and feelings of insecurity. If he listens and suggests ways to alleviate them and offers you comfort and reassurance, bear with it and see if it can be turned around. If he brushes it off and tries to make out like it’s all in your head and nothing to do with him, seriously consider getting rid.

Grobagsforever · 27/04/2020 07:42

Hmmm left a one year old and now shagging someone young enough to be his daughter.

Raise your standards OP. You sound very young, live your life.

Ragwort · 27/04/2020 07:46

Agree that he doesn’t sound a very good catch, he didn’t need to jump into a new relationship so quickly after leaving his ex partner.... sounds like he left one relationship and started another very quickly.

Leave him OP, he’s got too much baggage.

EngagedAgain · 27/04/2020 07:56

I'd dump him if I were you. The whole situation is making you miserable and doubt it will get any better. There will be someone else out there (at the moment it might be difficult to meet someone) but look to the future. Anyone that makes you feel anxious is not right for you.

LIZS · 27/04/2020 08:01

Do You really need to carry this on? It sounds as if it has been far from fun from the outset and you would have ex and sdd in your life for at least another 15 years. I would bet some of her anger has foundation, he left when she was still a baby, be warned and get out.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 27/04/2020 08:02

I would also leave. Noone is worth the hassle and this will go on for life.

No doubt the kids will be told that daddy left her for you and bam kid hates you.

Just not worth it.

Sicario · 27/04/2020 08:04

Throw this one back in the pond and go find yourself another fish.

His situation will only get more complicated. You don't have to start your life journey with someone who has already fucked up theirs.

copycopypaste · 27/04/2020 08:04

What is you dp like in all this, you hardly mention him? Is he supportive of you, does he stand up for you to her, why hasn't he got involved? If he's just being passive about the whole thing I'd cut and run. Life is too short for that kind of crap all the time

Izzy2015 · 27/04/2020 09:35

@copycopypaste @Isadora2007
Thank you for all your replies. I am 21. My Dp is a great dad to his daughter I'd never take that from him. Dp is so generous to his ex with money etc..
He has never been disloyal or broken our trust. But has sent some texts back to her when she's tried flirting and the texts have nothing to do with his daughter. She likes to say they were best friends for so many years. She can't seem to accept that it's just a relationship because of the daughter.
If she has been nasty and sent horrible messages if I see them then he will say something when she's been horrible he does say to her. However she does not like this and likes to use her daughter as a weapon sending threats 'you're not seeing her' it's all so pathetic. She is 28.
The reason them two aren't together is that she cheated on him with his best friend.

OP posts:

Grobagsforever · 27/04/2020 09:51

21!! OP you're barely an adult yourself. Run! You don't this drama. Pursue your own dreams. A 35 year old man scooping up a 21 year old girl is creepy.

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Nanny0gg · 27/04/2020 09:54

Was he your first boyfriend?

This relationship is too hard. You need to find an easier, happier one.

SnuggyBuggy · 27/04/2020 10:00

You're 21? Leave him, despite bloody coronavirus you've got you're whole life ahead of you. You can do better than this shitshow and you need to at least try make a decent life of your own before thinking of settling down.

copycopypaste · 27/04/2020 10:15

You're 21 op, this is likely to get worse, how do you think she'll react if you get married and have kids of your own.

For this to work he needs to stand firm. He needs to get a court order for set times and dates to see his child and he needs to stop completely engaging her unless it's the bare minimum with regards the his dc. He also needs to nip any bad mouthing of you, or stirring straight away.

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