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Boyfriend messaging my friends behind my back

(416 Posts)
PiscesLady Sun 26-Apr-20 23:09:43

I’ll try and keep this as short as I can...

Been with DP nearly a year now.

We don’t live together , we were looking at places to rent before the lockdown and had booked some viewings

So at the moment we are currently living separate, both admitted we are fine and not much we can do until the lockdown is restricted.

Apparently today I seemed ‘quiet’, we only communicate via WhatsApp daily and the occasional phone call every few days.

I have been a bit busy today with house work and I’ve started reading a book I’ve been very interested in more so than usual which I’m really enjoying! I don’t usually get the chance to read.

I have just got off the phone to him and he tells admits to me he ‘may have been naughty’ and told me he ‘messaged one of my friends earlier today’ I said who ...(was one of my best friends he has never met...). He told me he mentioned to her I had been ‘quiet’ and was ‘worried about me’. Am I wrong to be concerned over this? I told him this morning when he mentioned I was being ‘quiet’ that I was absolutely fine, not sure what else I can say....

He admitted to me that he thought she may tell him something I wouldn’t tell him?! I would tell my DP absolutely anything that was bothering me so I don’t know what he means by this.

He admitted to me today also that for the past x2 mornings he had said to me ‘Good morning Girlfriend’ and I have not said it back for the past x2 mornings. I admit I have not said ‘Good morning Boyfriend’ because I forgot and didn’t really think anything of it. Didn’t think something like that would affect a grown man so much?

I am so worried this is going to ruin us as I do love him very much and I see a potential future with him but I am finding these messages too intense and invasive. Am I being silly?

This is now the 3rd time he has done this to me... the second time was to my Mum who he had never met! He mentioned to her he had got me a birthday present so he didn’t want her to go and get the same for me but I wondered if that was just an excuse to talk to her...?

As my last relationship was very unemotional and no love involved from my ex DP, so going to another relationship with this sort of intensity I am trying to get use to.

Thank you for reading this and I hope this makes sense xxx

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squishedgrapes Sun 26-Apr-20 23:14:14

I find it very odd that you have been with your boyfriend for a year, we're thinking of moving on together and he hasn't met your best friend or your mother

Palavah Sun 26-Apr-20 23:15:44

Have you spoken to the friend your boyfriend said he messaged?

What does he think he did that was 'naughty'?

What's the issue with messaging your mum?

This is all v bizarre.

Babooshkar Sun 26-Apr-20 23:16:14

I would find that a bit invasive tbh.. Contacting your friends and family without having met them or knowing them really is quite weird and inappropriate. Have you asked him about it?

What do you know about his previous relationships / own family and friends?

Would you do what he’s done? I.e. contact his friends / family for those reasons? confused

PiscesLady Sun 26-Apr-20 23:16:36

He's met my mother now! When he sent the message to her that was a couple of months into our relationship when we were still dating.

The best friend he messaged he hasn't met as she lives far away....

Hope that answers !

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PiscesLady Sun 26-Apr-20 23:18:33

@Palavah I agree it does sound bizarre! Not been in this sort of situation before.

@Babooshkar I would no way message his family or friends if I had not met them yet.

I am so confused.

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Opentooffers Sun 26-Apr-20 23:18:39

No this actually quite creepy and not normal, and he's done it 3 times !! He's likely very insecure and checking up on you, because he expects you'll lie if asked directly. If he's checking up on you in lockdown, just imagine how bad he's going to be with freedom. Beware, it's controlling behaviour.

PiscesLady Sun 26-Apr-20 23:20:02

@Opentooffers the messages are just a few examples... he is struggling with the lockdown I think.

He did add my sister on Instagram before he met her (I know I dislike social media). And she thought it was weird ... I did her slightly upset with that.

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noyoucannotcomein Sun 26-Apr-20 23:24:08

He's bloody weird.

You've only told us two occasions. What was the third?

I'd probably dump him for describing himself as "naughty" alone

BilboBercow Sun 26-Apr-20 23:25:29

I'd see this as a bit of a red flag. He's very needy at best. At worst I'd be worried about control issues.

NotMyNigel Sun 26-Apr-20 23:25:41

I also think it’s creepy and controlling.

You messaged him this morning and told him you were ok. You phoned him tonight . But in between he contacted a complete stranger ( to him ) to try to get you to contact him more.

And this isn’t first time. Major red flag.

So inappropriate to message you mum when you had only been dating a short time.

Please don’t move in with him and keep an eye on his control issues.

PiscesLady Sun 26-Apr-20 23:26:25

I if a him
About it and he said he only done it because he as worried about me ...I did ask him about it and he said he only done it because The first occasion was when he messaged another very close friend of mine that I work with.

The second was my mum. The third was just today.....

Thanks for all your responses

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PiscesLady Sun 26-Apr-20 23:27:08

Sorry for the typo my Mumsnet app is playing up on my phone!

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noyoucannotcomein Sun 26-Apr-20 23:27:17

And combined with the whole "good morning girlfriend" ick, I'd say you'll find this one quite controlling eventually.

Something very, very, off with this one.

PiscesLady Sun 26-Apr-20 23:28:38

Thank you @NotMyNigel

I will be keeping an eye on things now going forward... it's a few other times things like this has happened, which I can deal with. But getting other people involved I'm not keen on.

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noyoucannotcomein Sun 26-Apr-20 23:29:14

What age is he?

PiscesLady Sun 26-Apr-20 23:31:22

@noyoucannotcomein before you asked I was just about to respond with the age haha.

He is 40. I am 9 years younger ...

I admit I started the 'good morning boyfriend' a few times, but now he uses it every day and complains when I don't say it back. Didn't think that would be a very offensive thing....

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JKScot4 Sun 26-Apr-20 23:32:38

So because you weren’t messaging much he’s msgin friends he’s never met to ask if there’s something wrong with you?
Yes, he’s weird and starting to be controlling,
who the feck does he think he is?
I’d be getting rid.

ErickBroch Sun 26-Apr-20 23:33:19

Ewww this whole thing is weird. If he's older than 16 then his behaviour is creepy.

Lynda07 Sun 26-Apr-20 23:33:19

I too wondered how old he is. It is seriously creepy, inappropriate and childish. In your place I would be very embarrassed. Do you really need someone who behaves like that?

Lynda07 Sun 26-Apr-20 23:34:13

Blimey, he's 40! I'm not surprised he's still single at 40.

PiscesLady Sun 26-Apr-20 23:35:55

@Lynda07 no I don't but the stupid little problem is I love him... I am sure you hear it all before sad

I am very embarrassed he has messaged my friend.

I'll be having words next time, if it doesn't change I will have to walk away as I would struggle long term with this sad

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noyoucannotcomein Sun 26-Apr-20 23:36:33

If someone I'd never met messaged me asking about my best friend like that, I'd wonder wtf she'd got got herself involved in.

And why the hell would he expect a total stranger to tell him stuff about you anyway?

He clearly knows nothing about trust and boundaries.

WitchWife Sun 26-Apr-20 23:36:37

Are you actually supposed to say “Good morning, Boyfriend” or his name eg “Good morning, Ralph”?

Both bad - because he’s telling you what to say! - but the first is fecking creepy and odd as well.

I’d be seriously weirded out if DP contacted random friends of mine that he doesn’t know for any reason other than an emergency or organising a surprise party. He’s freaked out because your focus isn’t on him.

PiscesLady Sun 26-Apr-20 23:37:33

@Lynda07 yes he's single, he was married for 15 years but decided to
separate and then divorce.... no idea what his marriage was like but when I first met him, he seemed an absolutely lovely genuine person.


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