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DH making me doubt myself

(16 Posts)
amazedmummy Sun 26-Apr-20 16:41:15

Right I'll try not waffle on for too long.

DH has this really annoying trait which I can normally live with however he's furloughed and I'm on mat leave so we are seeing each other 24/7. He gets so defensive about the tiniest things, I'll give a couple of examples.

DS is 5 months and we give him his last bottle in bed in the evening. DH usually does this as he'd be in from work in time to do it when he was working. I then usually rock DS to sleep and pop him in his cot. Sometimes DH falls asleep while I'm doing this. I got up to put DS in his cot and accidentally bumped into DHs foot. I said "oh sorry, I didn't mean to wake you" he's immediately on the defensive "I wasn't asleep, why would you say I was asleep when I'm not". I just don't get why it's a big deal!

The one that's really getting to me just now though is his muttering and he actually had me questioning if I'm hearing things. I occasionally get frustrated with things e.g. a jar not opening when I'd like it to or the cat trying to murder me by getting under my feet. Today DS was starting to grump at me and I have a splitting headache so I said to him very nicely (bearing in mind he's 5 months old and pays more attention to tone than what I'm actually saying) "please don't grump, mummy has such a sore head." I was still playing with him and trying to work out if he needed a nap or was just getting bored. DH starts muttering under his breath as usual "oh great, here we go." "Always the same, here we go". I asked him why he was muttering and if he wanted to discuss something with me I was all ears. He just flat out denies saying anything, he wasn't muttering, he never mutters. I've noticed him doing it for months and have brought it up with him several times but if I mention it it always turns into an argument. So maybe he isn't muttering?

I'm recovering from PND and he's suggested it might be part of my illness but other than that I feel much better. I'm on medication for it and I've checked the side effects, nothing stands out to me for auditory hallucinations?

He is generally a nice person and is great with DS so I'm really confused.

OP’s posts: |
redastherose Mon 27-Apr-20 00:18:32

P,ease don't let him gaslight you into thinking he hasn't said anything, it's much more likely that he said precisely what you heard. The first incident doesn't sound too much, a bit strange for him to pretend he hadn't fallen asleep but I've known other people who have said the same when they have been clearly asleep and snoring. But pretending that he isn't muttering about you if you clearly hear him is not nice behaviour at all especially blaming your PND.

Monty27 Mon 27-Apr-20 00:23:48

Suggest he sorts his muttering out as clearly he's unaware he's doing it. Don't put up with this shit OP. flowers

Justmuddlingalong Mon 27-Apr-20 00:32:40

Read up on "gaslighting", which is horrendous behaviour on his part when you're trying to deal with a new baby and PND. 💐

Cher3 Mon 27-Apr-20 00:37:01

What is he five. He needs to grow up. My partner did this. Actually he’d pretend to be asleep sometimes so I called him out on it. He’d just sheepishly laugh and he stopped. God knows why. You should be more stern when he does the whole muttering thing. Let him know your not stupid and to be messed around with

elfycat Mon 27-Apr-20 00:40:18

I've had auditory hallucinations on citalopram and the one thing they were NOT is very specific under breath mutterings coming from one person who would have likely said those very things. (and I switched meds and they stopped. My GP was concerned I might have been disturbed by them but as a creative writer I found them fascinating). My depression was left over PND/perimenopause - my hallucinations were noises, or speech sounds without specific words. Not saying yours would be the same, but I find it highly suspicious that you might be ONLY having them when he's in the room.

And gaslighting, particularly when someone isn't 100% is utterly vile. Keep calling him out on it. Maybe he is sleep deprived/tired. DH will sometimes swear he's not asleep when he's just snored loudly but it's still not OK to make you think it's all you.

ALovelyBitOfSquirrel Mon 27-Apr-20 00:45:45

He's clearly very passive aggressive and yes, gaslighting you. I'd call him out on every single word he mutters, repeat it and ask what he means.

amazedmummy Mon 27-Apr-20 11:06:44

I do call him out most of the time but it just turns into an argument. Is it possible he genuinely doesn't realise he's doing it? DS sleeps really well so I don't think it's sleep deprivation.

OP’s posts: |
hellsbellsmelons Mon 27-Apr-20 11:59:52

Tell him to google 'gaslighting abuse' and that you won't put up with it any longer.
He either owns what he IS saying or he shuts the fuck up.
Gaslighting is horrible.

Justmuddlingalong Mon 27-Apr-20 12:06:28

I'll put money on him knowing exactly what he's doing.
Your sanity will take a kicking living with his behaviour.
He plants the seed that you're losing it and you start to believe it.

NoMoreDickheads Mon 27-Apr-20 12:14:31

I expect you're not imagining it- that's a really nasty thing for him to say- it must be frightening to have someone try and make you think you're having hallucinations.

I|DK how easy it would be, but I would try and record him. That way you at least have a record for your own reassurance that you're not imagining it.

You could play the same game with him, say 'maybe you're muttering and you don't realise you're doing it.

The muttering/having a go must be really unpleasant to live with.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 27-Apr-20 12:16:01

Although you can and should continue to call him out on this he will not change. This is who he is and its likely too that this was learnt behaviour from one of his parents.

He knows what he is doing here and gaslighting is really an insidious form of psychological abuse. You will need to firm up plans ultimately to get away from him because he will harm you and in turn your son here.

MitziK Mon 27-Apr-20 12:41:22

Grumbling usually happens when somebody is pissed off about something but doesn't actually want to cause a scene/argument. The default on being heard/pulled up on it is to deny having said anything.

It's not exactly successful at getting your feelings out without a confrontation, particularly if the person who hears it goes ballistic over it, but it is a fairly normal human response when you're feeling grouchy, grumpy, irritable, annoyed or in some way cranky, with or without good reason.

Justmuddlingalong Mon 27-Apr-20 12:48:43

But he's suggesting it's a symptom of her PND. That's totally different to grumbling, but not wanting to cause an argument. That's calculating behaviour.

NoMoreDickheads Mon 27-Apr-20 12:53:30

^ it is a fairly normal human response when you're feeling grouchy, grumpy, irritable, annoyed or in some way cranky, with or without good reason^

Not really. We may grumble inwardly but he's in control of his mouth. People who aren't being deliberately aggressive/passive aggressive don't do this when they know the person they're annoyed with might hear.

If he's talking to himself without knowing about it (with other people in the room; some of us might do it when on our own) then that's the behaviour of severely mental ill people who pace around on buses and trains, and he needs medication.

In fact though, he won't do this with most people in the world- he reserves this deliberate behaviour he knows will upset the other person for loved ones like the OP that he takes for granted and thinks he can get away with it.

No way would he do this at work- he'd be pulled up for it straight away.

BackseatCookers Mon 27-Apr-20 17:23:25

But he's suggesting it's a symptom of her PND. That's totally different to grumbling, but not wanting to cause an argument. That's calculating behaviour.

This. Everyone grumbles and mumbles but it's him repeatedly saying that the OP is hearing things that is really horrible. He's basically saying she's gone mental.

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