Bed sharing with a heavy man

[Itsthemixer]

Since having DCs, both mine and DHs bodies have changed a lot. I have gained around 1 stone 9 in total, whilst he has gained more than 3 stone. His BMI is 38.

If I say anything to him, he chirps up "you need to lose some weight yourself" which I am obviously aware of, but I am breastfeeding and have found my body is holding on to fat despite healthy eating. I am exercising daily, doing a 1.5 mile school run twice a day, 3 times a week (pre-lockdown of course) and I am moving my body every day now. He however is quite lazy.

The main issue is sleeping with him. He weighs so much that the mattress of our bed slopes with his weight and I'm finding myself rolling towards him. He keeps complaining about me hogging the bed and I didn't say anything for a while, until this week. On telling him, he said I was using it as an excuse to moan about his weight (I wasn't at all.)

I am also finding that my back is not supported at all in bed and I am waking with back and rib pain, due to the sloping mattress. Some evenings, when he workds late, he sleeps in the spare room and my back doesn't hurt in the morning.

Every time I mention anything, he gets offended and turns it on me about my weight. But I've had 2 massive babies and fed them myself. I was huge when pregnant and measured off the scale both times. I will get back to my old weight again, but I know that it's not quite the right time for my lactating body. If I mention us dieting together he will just say "you do it your way, let me do it mine."

Do other people struggle sharing a bed with a large man?
What can I do?

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

You can buy mattresses with two different types on each half. I think that's what most people do. When did you last change your mattress?

[Itsthemixer]

Our mattress is probably 8 years old now.

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

Time for a new one then. One that's perfect for both of you. You NEED a good nights sleep .

[mildlymiffed]

I think memory foam ones handle uneven weight distribution better.

[Opentooffers]

Defo 2 mattresses, however, he also does need to address his high BMI putting him in the obese category and his laziness - one feeds the other so to speak. Sounds like you could try leading by example, it will help you also and once your are trim, your fella won't have a leg to stand on.
" You're getting at my weight again" well yes becaus actually I'd like you to live long enough to see your kids crow up and be fit enough to keep up with them, and also obesity is plain unattractive 🤷

[Opentooffers]

Grow up 🙄

[Musti]

Ivery got a super king size bed which is two single mattresses zipped together. It's perfect

[dizzy174]

we have a memory foam king size. hubby is double my weight and we both sleep well. well worth the investment.

[SimonJT]

I’m around 96kg, I have a tempur sensation elite. If we’re lying right next to each other obviously I make a ‘dip’ more than he does, but it still supports him. But if we’re even 8-10cm away from each other then there’s no dip for him to fall into.

If you look at mattresses they actually have a weight limit for each side. One with a high limit won’t cause a slope when someone heavy lays on it.

[Chloemol]

SO move into the spare room yourself then and leave him to it

[sestras]

Get a latex mattress, much better than memory foam. It's cooler and distributes weight better.

[WithIcePlease]

I've got a tempur mattress. He's 13 stone and I'm 8ish so not too much discrepancy but he can get in an out of the bed without my side moving at all - such as drinking tea, reading newspaper etc no movement on my side

[CoronaMoaner]

You could get a memory foam topper. Cheaper then a whole new mattress.
Is he actually doing anything about his weight? He says he’ll do it his own way. What is that?

[Voxx]

A decent mattress will solve your problems OP. I weigh around 9 stone. My BF is at least 4 stone heavier than me but I’ve never experienced anything like you describe.

[amateursleuth]

If I say anything to him, he chirps up "you need to lose some weight yourself"

So this was outside of the bed issue. What was your point in 'saying anything' meant to be?

If I mention us dieting together he will just say "you do it your way, let me do it mine."

Shame but that's his choice.

However, the bed issue is one to solve. Ask him which he'd prefer:

• buy a new bed with the two separate mattresses
• one of you moves into the spare room
• you both lose weight now

[Crabbo]

We have a latex mattress and love it. I’m about 7.5ish stone and dh is 15 stone - I’ve never noticed any dipping or rolling towards him. He also likes to put a wide board over the slats to give a firmer base to the bed.

[LadyEloise]

Get a zip and link 6 foot bed/ mattress - it's a SuperKing size. You could even get two different types of support in the higher end ones.

With his level of obesity I think it is an extra risk with the Coronavirus - but I am not a doctor just going on what a relative working in ICU has said.

[psychedelephant]

Memory foam mattress helped with this. Dh was a restless sleeper (better now but used to suffer with awful eczema + stressful job) and when we had our old sprung mattress I would wake over and over but with memory foam I reckon you could almost sit a cup of tea on one side and roll around on the other and not disturb it. Old bed was massive (maybe superking?) and current bed is smaller.
I don't sleep well now due to back pain and others have mentioned that memory foam might not be helping but I've slept in many hotel/guest room beds and don't necessarily sleep any better on a different mattress.

[ArthurBloom]

Above posters are all correct, however it concerns me how rude he is to you about his weight, you had children he has no excuse to be an insufferable blob.