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So fed up of feeling this way

(13 Posts)
Letsgetphysical88 Sun 26-Apr-20 13:15:29

I’m late twenties, my husband is late thirties and we have 2 kids.

As far as I know my husband has never had an actual affair, however I’ve caught him a couple of times messaging ex’s (this was about 5 years ago, we have been together for 9). He also went through a period of time on webcam sites and spent a significant amount of money and he also paid for a subscription on Snapchat where he would get sent videos and apparently the package he paid for included chat. These things were 2/3 years ago but I can’t seem to get over it still.

Each and every time he done something in the past I never felt strong enough to leave him and I always kick myself for that.

Anyways, whenever he’s sitting on his phone I just constantly think he’s up to something. I check his phone whenever I get a chance. I find myself sitting watching him on his phone trying to figure out if he could be speaking to someone. I feel as if I’m going abit mental to be honest sad

I’ve spoken to him about this in the past and it always just ends up being awkward and we don’t really speak for a while so that’s what’s stopping me from bringing it up again.

Any advice??

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Letsgetphysical88 Sun 26-Apr-20 18:01:16

Bump blush

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Mintlegs Sun 26-Apr-20 18:06:49

Honestly, try to love yourself a little bit more than him! Boost your own self esteem. Keep busy, surround yourself with supportive people. Some people can learn to forgive and feel more secure, some people can’t. Only you know whether he is worth your time and effort and possible future long term commitment

tenlittlecygnets Sun 26-Apr-20 18:10:23

That's no kind of life. Why didn't you dump him after the first episode? They'd all be deal breakers for me.

Letsgetphysical88 Sun 26-Apr-20 18:15:10

I think the lockdown has made things worse to be honest, with me. It’s making me think more as I usually have no time to and there’s a lot of tension between us.

The first episode my child was very young, just under a year so I wanted to try and move past it.. and the second episode my second child was 6 weeks old. He promised me it would never happen again and as far as I know it hasn’t but he’s lied to me before so i don’t know what to think. He always deletes his internet history so that’s probably not a good sign.

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crazylady7 Sun 26-Apr-20 18:16:27

There's not much help to be given op sad once the damage has been done I don't believe you ever truly get over what he did, you'll always feel anxious. And the only advice I can give you is to escape the relationship. It's all easier said than done I know, but I've been there, kids kept me there, but in the end your mental health is priority above all else.

Hannah021 Sun 26-Apr-20 18:17:38

not something i would tolerate to be honest. Trust is very important to me, both trust and respect are way more important to me than love, cuz i can live with someone i trust and respect without love, but no the other way around.

You can't spend your life observing whether he's doing something behind your back or not, you can do much better

Letsgetphysical88 Sun 26-Apr-20 18:19:42

Crazylady7 I agree, and I feel like I’ve changed as a person too which I hate. A few years ago I was so happy and now I’m a miserable sod, I hate how I’ve changed and I blame some of that the relationship I have at the moment

I just think I would feel so guilty splitting, especially with my kids being so young. I would feel horrendous

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crazylady7 Sun 26-Apr-20 18:27:06

@Letsgetphysical88 I get it, honestly I do. You sound like your blaming yourself, like you've let yourself down. Remember your partner did this to you, and you've had to pick up the pieces all these years to keep your family together. When your holding all that anxiety in all the time you do change as a person, and this will start to impact your health which ultimately affects your children. Leaving your partner doesn't mean you fail as a parent, it shows strength. That's teaching your babies that it is not acceptable to be treated badly. It would be weird for a while of course it would, but everyone adjusts and it becomes normal I promise

Letsgetphysical88 Sun 26-Apr-20 20:57:36

I am blaming myself to an extent because I could have fixed this sooner, before we even had children so they didn’t have to go through this.

I hope so. There’s horrible tension between us just now because I said to him he was on his phone a lot today and it really bothered me so he’s giving me the silent treatment

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tenlittlecygnets Mon 27-Apr-20 12:04:23

I am blaming myself to an extent because I could have fixed this sooner, before we even had children so they didn’t have to go through this.

How could you have fixed this?? It's your husband's behaviour, he's the only one who can fix it. And if he's still on his phone a lot and deleting his history, it sounds as if he's still cheating.

Is he thinking about the effect on your dc? No, he's thinking about himself and his dick.

There’s horrible tension between us just now because I said to him he was on his phone a lot today and it really bothered me so he’s giving me the silent treatment

Another red flag. Designed to shut you up and make you not bring up awkward questions/subjects again. He sounds horrible.

I just think I would feel so guilty splitting, especially with my kids being so young. I would feel horrendous

But do you feel good now? Do you think this a healthy way to live? A healthy relationship to model to your dc?

Do you think you deserve more out of life? You do!

Plus, why do you feel guilty? It's your h's behaviour that has caused this. Not yours.

Letsgetphysical88 Mon 27-Apr-20 13:41:54

I meant to say looking back I probably did see some warning signs and just ignored them, but if I had done something about it then we wouldn’t be in this position. Then again I wouldn’t have my 2 beautiful kids either.

I’m at work and he’s just messaged to say his phone screen is cracked and has ordered a new phone. Now I’m worrying I won’t be able to get into it to check it sad

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tenlittlecygnets Tue 28-Apr-20 11:14:00

Well, if that's your first reaction on finding out he's bought a new phone, I'd say all trust is gone and your relationship is dead in the water. I'd never even consider that about my h's phone. (But then, he's never given me any reason to believe he'd cheat.)

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