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Tell me I am right

(14 Posts)
RainbowsAndReading Sun 26-Apr-20 11:13:45

So now ex DP had somewhat of an altercation with my 10 year old son. He basically barged past him to turn his computer off, accidentally knocking his leg which then hit off the bed. Son (who has never, ever did this before) kicked his leg.

Son had xbox taken away. Was very upset and I said they both had to apologise to each other. Ex for barging through and not apologising and son for obvious reasons.

Ex left. In lockdown. Has given me nothing but abuse about my 'shit parenting' because apparently I should have done more and not expected him to apologise to my son for his part (don't think he'd intentionally 'barge through' an adult).

I am honestly completely all over the place. I feel I was right to A, punish my son by removing his computer and B, tell him that because he accidentally (through 'barging') ultimately knocked my sons leg off the wooden bed.

I can't believe I am even writing this but he keeps saying I am wrong, calling me every name under the sun because I should have handled it differently.

Son is not his but we have a 5 year old together. I cannot believe how this has turned out. Now DC can't even see him because he's left. All because I thought they should both apologise. I am still in shock.

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OldEvilOwl Sun 26-Apr-20 11:32:53

He's done you a favour by walking out. Don't let him back in - ever!

user1493413286 Sun 26-Apr-20 11:35:36

Yep it’s right that your son had x-box taken away but your DP should have apologised for barging last him. If he can’t see that and would act so childishly afterwards then it’s best that he does leave

MMmomDD Sun 26-Apr-20 11:41:13

I think if this is an isolated accident - everybody need to take a moment and breathe.
Lockdown is challenging for all and by now many are reaching a point of struggling. And not eat behaviours happen - not totally excusable but understandable.

This - again - in absence of other issues - isn’t a reason to escalate to a breakup of your child’s family.

Not sure how you normally resolve conflict in your family between your bf and your elder son - but in your description you seemed to act as a police and a judge. I am not sure forcing an apology is the best approach - and it feels like you are controlling/directing the way it is supposed to be - can’t the adult male and a 10yo have a conversation instead and figure out their own way?

RainbowsAndReading Sun 26-Apr-20 11:44:01

Thank you. I honestly can't believe how this has gone! Whole family disintegrated at this time. He is an absolute tosser. Who is unable to to have an adult conversation? He left knowing he couldn't see our DC. The abuse has been horrific. This was yesterday and I still feel bewildered and to be honest, sad.

Surely in your 30s you should be more mature and have the ability to talk things through?

I am still in shock. I cannot believe the turn of events.

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Opentooffers Sun 26-Apr-20 11:46:45

You've got a 5 year old together that he's left also, think about that for a while ...🤔. Why is he barging to get his Xbox turned off? Your DS is in isolation so it not supposing if he does online chat to his mates as a social outlet. Did your ex have an alternative activity lined up to occupy him or was he expecting him to have to sit around doing nothing instead? So whose the bad parent? Sound like it's the one that leaves his children so easily, how long has he been gone and has he enquired about the welfare of his biological child since?
By sticking to your guns and not allowing him back, you will send a message to your son that your ex is the one at fault, which clearly he is. Sadly, your 5year old will see that their dad find it way too easy to leave them, but this again is a reflection on your ex not on them so make sure they come to understand this.

RainbowsAndReading Sun 26-Apr-20 11:50:31

MM I said they should apologise to each other. I'm not sure how other people deal with things but I think they should be talked through and everyone should admit their part.

Bottom line is he can no longer see us and has asked for the whole £50 back he contributed to this weeks shop. Really I am just venting. This is absolutely not the first time I have questioned his behaviour.

I just can't believe this has happened now and he has opted out of trying to have a conversation or see our child. I am honestly flabbergasted.

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Hannah021 Sun 26-Apr-20 11:51:46

i think u'v done right. He's got some growing up to do. Dont let him back in until his communication skills improves. Who needs an idiot in these difficult times.

Opentooffers Sun 26-Apr-20 11:52:26

So it's recent, but it sounds like he's been abusive in other ways. I'd be inclined to let him go. In time he might realise what a test he's been, he's the one that has lost out. Hope you are financially secure, start planning for a future without him because if you allow him back, he' LL most likely have other outbursts

Opentooffers Sun 26-Apr-20 11:52:59

Twat not test 🙄

Hannah021 Sun 26-Apr-20 11:53:41

dont return the 50 say, u'v opted to leave, no one pushed u out, and it is well spent now.

RainbowsAndReading Sun 26-Apr-20 11:54:42

Thank you @Opentooffers.

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MMmomDD Sun 26-Apr-20 12:35:18

Makes sense OP. If this isn’t the first time and there are other issues - then it makes sense.
His reaction does seem extreme - so I do wonder if isolation/lock down has something to do with it.
Not sure why you think he can’t see your joint child as even in the lockdown children of separated parents are allowed to move between parents.

Regarding the forced apology - in general I think even the parenting experts advice not to make the kids apologise but rather talk things through with them. Same applies to the adults in conflict situation. It shouldn’t become your will agains the child/adult.
So his reaction was probably against that aggravated by the lockdown.
Not excusing - just explaining what night went on.

He does sound immature though - and asking for bills money is strange, to say the least.

RainbowsAndReading Sun 26-Apr-20 12:59:40

I get what you're saying. I just think overall that people should take accountability for their behaviour. Also, I said it and he could have just said he disagreed and given the reasons why which I would have listened to.

I am just venting. I can't believe how things have turned out. And yes, children can be moved between households but we would rather not. Both his children and mine with all parents agreeing is that we would not unnecessarily move between houses. I am not breaking that and putting my children at risk because he is immature. His decision with knowing how we have approached the covid situation.

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