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Affair advice

(52 Posts)
caniforgive Sun 26-Apr-20 08:12:27

My husband had an affair. I want to forgive for several reasons, but I'm finding it hard to stop replaying it in my mind. Any advice? I went to one counselling session about 8 years ago and didn't find it useful, so I'm wary of trying it now. Are there any books or forums you could recommend? Thank you

OP’s posts: |
Brainengaged1 Sun 26-Apr-20 08:22:01

Sorry to hear the distress . I know that feeling all to well .

I think the question is

Do you think he is back to old ways again? Do your investigations and get evidence .

It’s not your job to fix him - he is he damaged one . Fix yourself and know that you deserve to have a life that is free of doubt and one filled with security

I understand you may want to work this out ,but 8 years later and you are still here . You have tried .

Talk to him about how you are feeling but do your investigations first ( ducks lined up )

Go to chump lady site , it will allow you to see that what you are feeling is completely normal and valid

Good luck . X

MMmomDD Sun 26-Apr-20 09:37:38

Try reading/listening to Esthel Perel - may give you some ways of thinking about the affair and how to move on. ‘The state of the Affair’, or her podcasts.
However - you can’t get through it on your own. You’ll need counselling and a lot of very honest communication. You both will need to open up and be willing to work on rebuilding a new marriage. It’s incredibly hard.

The alternative is trying to sweep it under a rug and keep going. Some people manage to do that. Makes for a relatively miserable existence.

caniforgive Sun 26-Apr-20 09:43:53

Thank you both for your replies. I'm sorry to hear that you have been through this too.

I didn't explain myself very well. The counselling session was for something else 8 years ago. I found out last weekend that he has been cheating. He is trying to do everything to save our marriage, but it's early days and I can't see a way forward.

Thanks for your suggestions, I will look at them

OP’s posts: |
Welshgal85 Sun 26-Apr-20 09:48:16

Sorry that this is happening to you. Maybe give counselling another go?This time as a couple if you want to work on your relationship. You would need to bear with it and have more than one session.

There are places like Relate that have web or phone counselling, maybe you could try that? If your husband doesn’t want to you can still have the sessions on your own to talk about how it is all affecting you

caniforgive Sun 26-Apr-20 10:00:18

I might re-think counselling. My husband has already enquired if a local counsellor can do online sessions, which she can. It might be the way forward. I'm just so hurt

OP’s posts: |
Aly92 Sun 26-Apr-20 10:12:40

You just found out last weekend bloody hell. Sounds like he would have carried on if you didn’t find out. If he truly wanted to salvage it he wouldn’t have done it in the first place. You deserve better

redandwhite1 Sun 26-Apr-20 10:17:03

It's early days

My husbands affair finished about 2 years ago and although things won't be the same again I'm 'sort of' over it, it's just taken a while for it to not be an every day thought

Each day gets better I promise

HappyintheHills Sun 26-Apr-20 10:18:06

Of course you are hurt. There’s a lot to process and working with a counsellor might well help.
Bear in mind that it often takes more than one go to find a counsellor that suits you.
Also that counselling for you should not be with your H, nor should it be arranged by him.

doodles17 Sun 26-Apr-20 10:19:40

Hiya, sorry you're going thru this, I'm going thru something similar , I'm 5 months on and it is hard. I was same as you on throughly of counselling but a few weeks ago I thought enough is enough I'm gonna have to try it. I'm on medication aswell, but hallways have been for many years been on one thing or another, anyway I decided to do counselling then we got thrown into lockdown and 5 weeks on here I am, gutted I couldn't get any treatment and wish I'd have done it sooner, they can do over phone sessions but tbh I would want face to face, the past two weeks Iv had some bad days, our current situation not helping! So Iv done some research on types of counselling, I was going to go to hypnotherapy counselling which I still like the idea of, but every time I researched my situation and what therapy would best help, EMDR kept coming up, anyway I found a lady in my area and emailed her, she was so nice and really easy to text , I asked if it would work for me and she just asked I email her what happened and what I'm wanting etc and we're gonna start treatment once we can. In the meantime I have downloaded a free hypno app that's really good and I downloaded and app called Wisdo- it's a chat forum basically for people who need help etc there's loads of different topics that's really good too xx

Faith50 Sun 26-Apr-20 11:05:50

OP - I am sorry for your pain. You only discovered last week so still very early days. Counselling would be a good step forward. Please do not put too much pressure on yourself to hurry the healing process.

Was it a brief or long term affair?

caniforgive Sun 26-Apr-20 11:06:11

I know @Aly92, that's one of my many issues. Somebody else told me anonymously, so I'm not sure I would have ever found out. I know I deserve better.

Thanks @redandwhite1, I'm sorry you went through this too. It's good to hear that you are not thinking about it so much.

@HappyintheHills do you not think couples counselling is the way to go? It's not my issue (apart from the deep hurt) so is it not something we both have to work on?

@doodles17 I will look at the app and the type of counselling you think might work for you. I'm sorry that you are struggling so much. Take care

OP’s posts: |
Faith50 Sun 26-Apr-20 11:09:05

redandwhite1
I completely understand. My dh kissed a colleague almost two years ago and it was my first thought in the morning for such a long time. No pain just slight sadness. I doubt anything has consumed me as much as this. I contemplated divorce but decided against it.

caniforgive Sun 26-Apr-20 11:10:59

@Faith50 it was messaging on and off for a year. 3 meet ups in the day for coffee. 1 hotel meet up just before lock down. So both an emotional and eventually sexual affair. According to H there were no feelings involved, certainly not in love, it was all about massaging his ego and enjoying the attention. She pursued him but I'm not in any doubt that he is the guilty one. Messaging was all 'chit chat' and not flirting. Apparently.

OP’s posts: |
doodles17 Sun 26-Apr-20 11:12:12

@Faith50 how are you now? Are you glad you stayed and are you both happy together now? X

NotMyNigel Sun 26-Apr-20 11:12:16

You found out last weekend ???

It’s very soon to have already decided what you want to do. You have time.

What is your husband doing to fix it ? You say that he didn’t confess to you but someone else told you.

NotMyNigel Sun 26-Apr-20 11:19:01

And can I just check - they messaged for a year, met up three times and had sex once ? Do you believe this ? Because sorry I wouldn’t.

No man spends a year communicating with a woman who he has no feelings for.

No man spends a year chatting to a woman in the hope that they might have sex once. That’s hardly an ego boost.

Most men can barely make the effort to text their wife to say what time they will be home for dinner. There’s no way any of them invest 12 months messaging for one shag.

You don’t have The whole story I’m afraid OP. You need to prepare yourself because there’s a lot more to come.

Faith50 Sun 26-Apr-20 11:27:42

Doodles17
We are in a much better place. I still love dh. He is completely remorseful at what he did. Knowing his character, I believe he initially wanted to support colleague with her personal problems but sadly failed to put clear boundaries in place. It has cost us greatly.

The first year after discovery I was in a bad state and argued with dh constantly, I kept going back over every detail. I basically tortured myself over my looks, character, appearance despite dh stating over and over it was not about me. The good thing is I was given a promotion at work and threw myself into my new role, I continued to meet with friends and had a busy social life.

It has been a difficult process and this was a kiss - unsure where we would be had dh had a full on sexual affair. We really do not know how we will deal with a situation until we are in it.

SandyY2K Sun 26-Apr-20 11:38:52

I don't think you're getting the full story either.

Some helpful resources are
How to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda Macdonald- for your H up read

Website for both of you is:

www.survivinginfidelity.com

There are forums for the betrayed and wayward spouse.

It's exceedingly helpful. People have been where you are and know what you're going through.

doodles17 Sun 26-Apr-20 11:40:53

@Faith50 you sound exactly like how Iv been feeling last 5 months, mine was a jokey inappropriate text but like you said it crossed a boundary, he said it was a joke which how it was typed I believe it was but joke or not it did still cross a line for me and he understands that completely and he too has been remorseful, he's been doing everything he can to make it right but knows I need time, I go over it again and again too it's bloody exhausting! So nice to hear you're in a much better place and hopefully il be there with ya soon! 🙈 x

category12 Sun 26-Apr-20 11:42:49

You don't need counselling - you're rightly upset and struggling - you only found out a week ago. Why would you be anywhere near the stage of being able to stop replaying it or ready to move on from it, yet?!

The worst mistake you can make is to make decisions too quickly and try to make things go back to normal too fast. I know it seems like the way to make the pain stop, but it won't.

doodles17 Sun 26-Apr-20 11:50:13

I did get some good advice aswell from the website The betrayed wives club x

NoMoreDickheads Sun 26-Apr-20 11:53:42

A week isn't long at all, don't feel bad if you're still thinking about it now. xxxxx

I go on it for other reasons, but am finding the people on community.affairhealing.com/ helpful, would recommend.

Messaging was all 'chit chat' and not flirting

@caniforgive Of course it wasn't all chit chat as they did arrange to meet up for sex, and when they met for coffee he knew it wasn't quite platonic or I imagine he would've mentioned it to you. . It'll be at least talk about their feelings for each other etc. Or they've flirted and met up via phone or text or something. They actual form of communication they used isn't relevant.

Faith50 Sun 26-Apr-20 12:15:33

doodles17
Sorry you are suffering. It is all consuming and takes up a lot of headspace. I recall being unable to fully be there for my children. Their essential needs were catered for but emotionally and physically I was missing due to my turmoil - I struggle to forgive myself for this. Each day will get better, some days you may feel you are going backwards - be patient and kind to yourself.

OP
You are in the initial stage of discovery. All sorts will be going through your mind. Do not pressure yourself to make quick decisions. As much as we would like it to, the healing process cannot be rushed. I would have done almost anything to jump six months to a year ahead.

FlowerArranger Sun 26-Apr-20 12:18:17

@caniforgive.... You absolutely need counselling. This is a lot to process. You are still in shock and the full implications have not sunk in yet. Do not consider couples counselling before you have processed this huge betrayal and sorted out in your own mind what direction you want to go in.

Don't be fooled. It is unlikely that what you know is the full story. And this may not have been his first rodeo...

I second the suggestion of the Chumplady website. You need to get angry before you can even consider to forgive. Don't just be sad; be focused and determined - to do what is best for YOU, not just now, but in the long term. Don't be swayed by his `remorse` and any crocodile tears he may weep. Remember: if someone hadn't told you, he would have carried on behind your back and you might never have known.

Esther Perel has some useful things to say, but at times she sails pretty close to excusing affairs. As for SurvingInfidelity.com..... Again lots of useful stuff, lots of support from people who have gone through what you are going through now, and always good for a handhold. But do look at some of the sad stories in the Reconciliation part of SI. It's full of anxious and disillusioned people who have tried, sometimes for years, to reconcile with partners who pay lip service to being remorseful but never actually do `the work`.

You must do what feels right for you. YOU must be the most important part of the equation. It's can seem tempting and easier to forgive and `move on`, but be aware that this shit can come back to haunt you years after you thought that you'd put it behind you. (Ask me how I know...) flowersflowersflowers

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