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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

What do I do?

11 replies

bcass · 25/04/2020 23:58

I've been with a guy for 4 1/2 years, met when I was 19. These past years have been nothing but great and we moved in together 2 years ago after I graduated uni.

This week during lock down he's been a bit distant and I though we were just getting on each other's nerves but he has said today after me getting aggy about the atmosphere that he is struggling with the romantic side of our relationship.

I'm so lost at what to do, I've asked that this isn't just over and that we can work on it but I don't know if I can do anything if he doesn't know what he wants.

Should I try and get the spark back for him or should I just leave?

I love him and I'm absolutely heartbroken

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TheTickingTime · 26/04/2020 00:05

Most men find it a struggle to open up and say what is actually on their mind most of the time. But if he is saying that he is not feeling the romantic side of things then perhaps he doesn't feel the same way about you two anymore?

What is his body language like when you are together? Are you two able to communicate about this? Do you feel he is different towards you?

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bcass · 26/04/2020 00:14

I kinda guess from what he said meant he felt a bit differently. I asked if he still loved me and he said yes and he loved our life together and didn't want anything to change.

Yes, this has only happened tonight so I'm hoping we can talk. I think he needed to get it off his chest but he's never been the greatest talker about his emotions.

We went on holiday the week before lockdown and I asked if he felt differently then, he said no the holiday and is we're great then.

I don't know if it's just recently we've been making less of an effort and we're stuck in a flat together.

How do I approach this kind of working in limbo relationship? I want to get through this and am keen to make this work but how do I know what to do and how to work with him? Does he need space?

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bcass · 26/04/2020 00:15

His body language is usually good, he's always open and there but this week it's been very closed

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TheTickingTime · 26/04/2020 00:23

OK, honestly I think a lot of people are generally deflected over the current situation, and most men I have spoken to, my brother, dad, my best friend, all proper blokes ha ha, they are so not talking about the virus, however I know they are scared over the situation. It is difficult to be in isolation, it's week 6 soon and maybe it's just taking its toll? I may be very wrong though, but the positive is that he says he loves you, and wants to be around you, and that's something. If a man wants out, the first thing to normally go is they disingage, stop communicating and become vacant. And talking to someone who is like that is difficult, as they have mentally already left the relationship, but I don't think that is the case with your man. He may be just drained from the restrictions?

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TheTickingTime · 26/04/2020 00:24

Deflected? I meant defleated

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cravingthelook · 26/04/2020 00:26

I think it is partly the situation, it's got us all messed up.

I'd suggest, trying to have some time to do your own things, going for a walk/run separately etc. Try staying apart (as much as you can) all day but planning a 'dinner date' where you can get ready and sit and engage in conversation with each other.

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Livvy90 · 26/04/2020 07:15

I agree with @cravingthelook don’t give up just yet. As much as you can when stuck in a flat together, try and do your own thing. Don’t beg him for anything, or try and make him see your point of view, if it comes to it and he does want to end things then at least you will have your dignity intact.

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FlowerArranger · 26/04/2020 07:50

He is struggling with the romantic side of our relationship.... I asked if he still loved me and he said yes and he loved our life together and didn't want anything to change. ... We went on holiday the week before lockdown and I asked if he felt differently then, he said no the holiday and is we're great then. ... His body language is usually good, he's always open and there but this week it's been very closed.

So...... You felt something was up even before lockdown. You have repeatedly sought reassurance, but he is deflecting. As in he "loves your life together and didn't want anything to change". Meaningb you gave him the opportunity to tell you that he loves you, but instead he chose to tell you that he feels comfortable with the current set-up. As in "we're great" - aka the most widely used indicator of things not being great at all. And now his body language is closed. Not just closed, but "very closed".

This is more than cabin fever brought on by lockdown. Everything you say suggests a relationship that has run it's course. From now on it's only going to hurt more if you stay. Leave with dignity now and leave him be. Take consolation from knowing that you'll never be someone's option. And love yourself.

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bcass · 26/04/2020 13:35

Thanks @thetickingtime, @cravingthelook @Livvy90 for the advice.

Slept pretty badly but a bit of self care Sunday for one. We're doing our old time tradition of dinner and a movie (with no phones) tonight. Trying to just be as cool as possible and see if we can get that spark back.

If you have anymore advice, please let me know!!! I really appreciate it

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TheSandman · 26/04/2020 13:50

Everyone is angsty frustrated and grating on each other at the moment. It's not just you. It's not just him. I don't know what advice to offer but don't automatically assume that it is ALL OVER. Every thread about relationships here has someone on the first page telling the OP "It's obviously all over leave him now while you still can".

Relationships change. They grow.

If you really are stuck in a small space together try giving each other as much space as possible. (Trite I know.) Shift your time patterns as well as space - my wife and and are practically in different time zones.

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bcass · 26/04/2020 21:25

@TheSandman thank you for your input.

I think you may have hit the nail on the head with relationships growing. I hope this is just a hurdle and we're both going to try get through this.

I think the lockdown has affected this but he didn't seem as sure. He is very adaptable to new situations but I don't think this lockdown is especially healthy.

I think time apart and then focused time together is how we're going to try at the minute. Any other advice is warmly welcomed.