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Partner wants to consider having another child but I'm unsure?

(38 Posts)
SadieM76 Sat 25-Apr-20 20:47:44

I created an account because I need advice. I have a mixed-race son (7) from a previous relationship where my son's father abandoned me. Met my husband who is also white, two years after, and he adores my son and treats him the same way as our daughter. His family has taken my son into their family and when we married, my son took his surname, and he adopted him. My husband has never had his own children, so I had a daughter (3) who is his only child. But my partner wants a big family and what I believe to be more of his own biological children.

The problem is our daughter was difficult to deal with - the sleepless nights, the tiredness as well as my son's own little naughty behaviour that comes with his age, which made it difficult. As well as this, the cost of having 3 children sounds a lot. As we like to go on holidays abroad, it would be more expensive. Childcare etc, getting a bigger car, potentially moving houses, general costs as well as university in the future. I quite like having two children for now but I also feel sorry for my husband who loves my son as his own, but doesn't want to have an only child too.

I'm pushing towards early 40s and my husband is in his early 30s. I also don't want him to cheat on me and have another child or resent me for denying him the chance of another child. I'm comfortable with 2 children and although I quite like the idea of a third child, I'm considering our financial stability and whether having a third child will affect us. Plus I also think about whether I'm mentally ready as I'm still looking after my daughter who is a toddler and how she would feel with the attention going to another child.

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RLEOM Sat 25-Apr-20 21:10:31

His daughter isn't an only child, she has a biological brother. It's also your body and therefore your choice. I don't think this virus is going anywhere any time soon, so it's not the best time to think about conceiving. Lastly, if a man is going to cheat, he'll cheat, no matter if you've got no children or 20 children.

Electrical Sat 25-Apr-20 21:19:22

Why would he want to produce more people? To what end? Does he do bare minimum of 50% of the drudgery? More important, are you both ok with the awful future all these people will have to endure on a dying planet, with food and water shortages, climate refugees, etc? What’s lacking in your current kids, does he feel?

SadieM76 Sat 25-Apr-20 22:17:31

When we had our daughter, he took leave of work to help. Sometimes he looks after the children whilst I go out with friends and cooks and cleans when he needs sees that I'm tied up to my neck. He loves my son a lot and I see it, but I feel like deep down to him, our daughter is his only biological child, and he perhaps wants to have more. Maybe it's me overthinking. With regard to what you said about the future, I want my children to have a good life and what's happing recently alongside environmental problems, I can only hope. We've recently just discussed this, so I'm unsure where we stand on this yet.

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SadieM76 Sat 25-Apr-20 22:26:42

@RLEOM He discussed of us potentially having a newborn when the virus had died down, but we know that it is not in the near future. I'm an over thinker, so I've been thinking whether it's due to our daughter being his only biological child, and he wants more or it's just generally. With what you have said with cheating; I've always been cheated on in every relationship I've been in. My husband and I have been together for 5 years, and he hasn't cheated so far and seems content with me. I have the tendency to do things with the aim of pleasing him as I have a phobia of him looking elsewhere which I know I have no control of, but it still bites me.

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GoldenGapYear Sat 25-Apr-20 22:44:45

I am slightly younger than you by a couple of years from what you've said and there's no way I'd be having a baby now. Plenty do, I know, but I've had kids, as you have, and I'm well and truly over that stage. Can't imagine going back to the start at this time of my life and then dealing with teenage years close to and into my 60s. I also wouldn't even consider bringing more people into the world with how it is now, as you said unlikely to change any time soon and IMO might never.

I guess this is the downside of a much younger partner who is still at the age where people generally have kids. I wouldn't have another child to stop him cheating, if he's the type to do that because you won't have kids why would you be there to start with? And another child wouldn't stop him of he was that way inclined.. To much about the info given says don't do it.

DBML Sat 25-Apr-20 22:56:32

My husband is desperate for another child. But our DS is nearly 15 and the age gap would be huge. Not to mention I’m going into my forties and really want to retire at 55 and go travelling. I’m quite selfish in the way I’m looking at things, but it’s better than having a child who isn’t fully wanted.

DH will either get over it or he won’t. But I have enough trust in our relationship to know that the people here are more important to him than the people who don’t exist.

So don’t have a baby just for him. Only have one if that’s what you BOTH really want.

SandyY2K Sat 25-Apr-20 22:59:10

Have you discussed the financial concerns with him? Kids are expensive and he's not going to cheat because he wants another child, if he so desperately wants another child, he's more likely to end the relationship...but then his kids would be split up....with different mothers.

Another child will also set you back in terms of work as well.

I was curious as to why you mentioned your DS being mixed race. Do you think for him he might feel it's obvious it's not his DS?

From a different perspective, more children, mean your DS is further outnumbered in the family in terms of his appearance.

Another sibling could leave him (your DS) on the outside....with the younger ones being full siblings. Not so much an issue when they're very young...but he'll be the odd one out of three children.

Navelwort Sat 25-Apr-20 23:06:59

You’d be quite mad to have another child when the only reason to have one is that your husband wants to reproduce again and you think he’ll cheat on you if you deprive him of the chance.

Also, why do you specify your son from a previous relationship whom your husband has adopted is mixed-race? Do you think that makes him ‘less’ your DH’s?

SadieM76 Sat 25-Apr-20 23:54:22

@SandyY2K The reason I stated my child was mixed-race was because I do think it would be obvious that my son isn't his son, which I believe I'm mad to think. Another reason I'm reluctant is my child feeling left out. His bio dad has a new partner and hasn't seen our son for almost 4 years. My husband is basically my son's dad. My son can sometimes pass for Caucasian but is a little darker, so people see the difference. I had my son ask me a few times why he was "a little darker" compared to his family and it really breaks my heart. Everyone in our family loves him but I feel having another child who is white, might make him feel different and I do try to make him not feel different. His dad is African, so I do try to interact with the African mothers in my son's school and I try to make sure that they sometimes visit each other, but I don't know if that helps with anything.

Also, my husband is young and doesn't mind our age gap, but I feel that he may want other children in the future. I also feel this will come back to bite us with finances and I really don't think I'm ready to give up my work. I like children but I think having two suits our little family, but I don't know how serious my husband is about this currently and this scares me.

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SadieM76 Sat 25-Apr-20 23:59:10

@Navelwort Yes I do, but race aside, I think it's also due to him wanting more biological children of his own. Currently, biologically, our daughter is his only child. I don't know whether I'm just being silly or what not? One thing I do know is that he loves my son.

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Viviennemary Sun 26-Apr-20 00:06:35

Nobody here can really tell you what to do. You make the choice either go ahead and have another child to please your husband. Or decide to stick with the family you have now. Nobody can predict the outcome of either choice. Not sure what I'd do in your shoes. Hope things work out. But certainly talk it through with an open mind.

Electrical Sun 26-Apr-20 10:33:35

Well then find out? Why is it important to him to have more kids who are biologically related to him? Is he obsessed with babies -then foster or work in childcare, or, is it some kind of ejaculatory ‘legacy’ thing he’s into? How would it benefit the existing kids lives (‘having a sibling’ is neither postitive nor negative, it’s just for the parent self indulgence)and the potential kid being brought into existence?
Forcing a new person into existence just to keep a man doesn’t sound great.

SandyY2K Sun 26-Apr-20 11:54:34

I did wonder if those were your reasons.

I don't mean to give you a lecture on race or culture, but every part of Africa is different.

By keeping in touch with other African mums, I'm not sure how that really helps...but I know you're trying. Think about all the European countries....they don't have the same culture..British, French, the Dutch Italians...all different.

My ethnicity is African...and I have friends from other African countries...they all differ.

I had my son ask me a few times why he was "a little darker" compared to his family

So are you never going to tell him who his biological father is?

I've seen this kind of thing cause the child difficulty in later life in relation to their identity....because they have no link to the parent who makes them appear visibly different to the rest of their family.

Did you ever have contact with your Exs family? Do they know about your DS?

Navelwort Sun 26-Apr-20 12:04:11

Currently, biologically, our daughter is his only child.

And yet currently, he has two children, your daughter and your son. I find it disturbing that you seem to be unconsciously downgrading his relationship with your son in favour of a putative biological child which would something be different, or more his. You sound as if you feel apologetic, and as if you should be doing something to make up for the fact that he adopted your son, who is 'visibly' not his. And the way you phrase it in your first post --

My husband has never had his own children, so I had a daughter (3) who is his only child

-- makes it sound as if you only had a child with him to do him the favour of 'giving' him a biological child.

OP, this is all wrong. If I'm honest, your posts read to me as if you think you're punching above your weight with your husband, for some reason (because he's younger? some other reason?) and you're 'giving' him children, or contemplating 'giving' him children, to keep him from leaving you for someone younger with whom he can have more children.

Never, ever have a child you don't want.

Navelwort Sun 26-Apr-20 12:05:39

And as your husband adopted your son, he is his 'own' child, not some half-hearted, not-quite-as-good version. Adoptive parents would, quite rightly, be infuriated by your language.

MarieQueenofScots Sun 26-Apr-20 12:06:41

He is not unreasonable wanting you to consider as a couple having another child.

However consider means just that, you weight up the pros and cons and make a decision. If you don’t want another child the decision must absolutely be the casting vote.

BackseatCookers Sun 26-Apr-20 15:04:12

OP, this is all wrong. If I'm honest, your posts read to me as if you think you're punching above your weight with your husband, for some reason (because he's younger? some other reason?) and you're 'giving' him children, or contemplating 'giving' him children, to keep him from leaving you for someone younger with whom he can have more children.

This really is how it reads.

Thank you @navelwort for saying this

And as your husband adopted your son, he is his 'own' child, not some half-hearted, not-quite-as-good version. Adoptive parents would, quite rightly, be infuriated by your language

As someone who is adopted this really is a horrible way of describing children. Like when people ask if I've ever met my 'real' mum. Yes, because she's been my mum for over 30 years, loving me and caring for me from the day she adopted me.

OP - you really do sound like you'll do anything to keep your partner, even if you don't want to do that thing. Which is not great but many people can empathise with. It's a little massively different when you're bringing a new life into the world.

Your comment about him asking why he is a little darker made me really sad - why isn't he already aware of why he's a little darker? He should be armed with the tools to understand this and also to combat any comments from other people.

For example we have always known we are adopted and agreed as a family that if people made fun of us for not being wanted babies, it was ok to say "our parents chose us".

SadieM76 Mon 27-Apr-20 17:29:46

@Electrical Sorry for a late reply. We had a conversation yesterday and I asked him lots of questions to try to glean on to what it is he wanted. He told me that he merely just wanted more children. Fair enough, he comes from a big family so it was no surprise. The problem I had is I told him that I was comfortable with the two children we already had, but he insists that having a new addition to the family would be great. I'm sure it would be, but I'm not ready for all the stress again, and he doesn't seem to understand that and got moody with me. On top of this, I brought up the fact that our son would feel like an outsider with having more white siblings, but he didn't seem to care. Now, I'm beginning to believe that it's a legacy thing, and he doesn't want to make it obvious that he wants more of his own biological children.

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AgentJohnson Mon 27-Apr-20 17:44:17

Oh dear God!

Firstly, talk to your son about his heritage, I cringed when you said ‘he could pass’.

Having another child won’t guarantee that your H won’t cheat or leave. Do not have another child to appease him.

Figgygal Mon 27-Apr-20 17:48:23

He has 2 children already from how you describe your family
If he wanted such a big family why is he with someone who is around 10 years older than him?

SadieM76 Mon 27-Apr-20 17:58:59

@SandyY2K The last time he saw his father was when he was 3 years old, as a toddler and I doubt he remembers him. His father and I had arguments, and he avoids seeing our son. He has a new partner and another child, so he doesn't give a toss about our own. He only texts occasionally for me to send pictures of our son and that's it. My son knows only a little about his dad, and has recently seen a few pictures of his dad from my phone, and we have started to discuss him now. His father is Nigerian, so he has a tad lot of relatives here, but his sister/brother have tried to establish contact a few times. I allowed him to meet his uncle last year for his cousin's birthday party, but no surprise his father wasn't there. His partner was there and didn't even approach my son, although it's not her place to. Our son now knows a little about his father from a discussion we had last year. He still sees my husband as his dad. Prior to knowing about his father, he had asked me questions about his skin colour which I had dismissed because I didn't want him to feel any different, even though he did. I did eventually tell him when I showed him photos of his father. Son is still curious about his identity and this is all still new to him, which is why I try to befriend some African parents, especially Nigerians, though I know they are all different, but at least he gets to mingle with children closer to his father's identity. Still to this day, his father doesn't care and I never know what to say when he asks why he doesn't see his real dad.

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SadieM76 Mon 27-Apr-20 18:02:36

@Figgygal Ouch. I'm 38 and 39 next year, and he is 31, going on 32.

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SadieM76 Mon 27-Apr-20 18:15:03

@Navelwort It's a 5-6 age gap between us, that is getting more noticeable now I'm heading towards my 40s, and he is not even in his mid 30s. Maybe I am feeling insecure and I know I'm sounding stupid with everything right now, but I know that he wants more of his own biological children, but he doesn't want to say it. Just to add, our daughter was born because we both wanted children and not because I wanted to give him biological children. I really enjoy the stability that I have with my husband and I don't want it to get ruined. I know that I shouldn't have a child if I don't want to, but the way he is banging on about having more children, even when I'm telling him that I don't want to??

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SadieM76 Mon 27-Apr-20 18:16:44

@Navelwort I don't mean to offend any adoptive parents here, but it's what I believe my husband thinks, not what I think.

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