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Expose the affair or not?

(94 Posts)
whodhavethunk Fri 24-Apr-20 00:37:10

Just looking for impartial advice. I know the husband of one of my closest friends is having an affair. When I asked him about it he tried to weasel out of it but was clearly lying. Maybe he thinks he fooled me but he didn’t! Question is, do I tell my friend? I sway from yes to no pretty much constantly. It will shatter her world if she knew but if he stopped and went back to her would she rather not know. Some say they would rather never have known. Others say the truth will always out. Any advice on what I should or could do, please? I am aware this is likely to be sensitive to some so I apologise. Her happiness is my first concern here. Thank you.

OP’s posts: |
Artandlove Fri 24-Apr-20 00:41:52

If I was your friend I’d want to know. I guess it comes down to the individual.

Krazynights34 Fri 24-Apr-20 00:43:38

If she would be affected (that is, she does care) tell her!!

mumof2under2sohelpmegod Fri 24-Apr-20 00:51:29

Honestly I think it depends on what you found out and how? My friends have been cheated on and it was awful and even affected friendships that didn't tell them, but just on comments that were made, there's going to be a lot of hurt, embarrassment, so complicated.
If you've seen something blatent that you can't ignore (them together kissing for example...) then yes I'd say something, but honestly, if not and he's denied, then its up to them as it's theeeeeir relationship, just be there to pick up the pieces when it goes upshitcreek.
What an awful position to be in OP, really tough, but it's not you in that position, so support from a distance would be my advice x

whodhavethunk Fri 24-Apr-20 00:54:50

Krazynights - she really does care, she will be devastated. But thanks.

OP’s posts: |
NoMoreDickheads Fri 24-Apr-20 00:55:43

I would tell her- she deserves to know about her own life. Her life isn't over, if she wanted to she could find someone else, or be free of someone who's cheating on her.

Telling her puts the power, and the choice about her own future, in her hands.

whodhavethunk Fri 24-Apr-20 00:58:04

Mumof2, thanks for your advice. It's hard isn't it. I sense even from your message there are reasons for and against. Gaaaaahhhh - it's just horrible. But for certain I will be there for her as I am sure it will come out at some point, whether that is soon or in a few years.

OP’s posts: |
whodhavethunk Fri 24-Apr-20 01:01:20

You're right NoMore, she does deserve to know about her life. It's just hard to know what's for the best when some say they would rather have never known and their partner (who wants to stay in the end) only told them to relieve their own guilt. I can't unsay it once it's out there. Thanks for your advice.

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whodhavethunk Fri 24-Apr-20 01:03:25

Thanks ArtansLove - it's good to know what you think and you're right it does depend on the individual. Shame there is not an easy way to find out what she would want in this scenario without asking her.
Perhaps we should all ask our friends at the beginning of our friendships!!!?!

OP’s posts: |
Gettingo Fri 24-Apr-20 01:06:10

If it was over, in the past and not likely to be repeated then it would probably be better not to know. But if it's ongoing, and you have clear evidence, then my opinion is that she really needs to know. Although, it would be better if she could find out without your involvement because cheating is one thing and people knowing about it is another.

mumof2under2sohelpmegod Fri 24-Apr-20 01:06:18

How did you find out and what was his explanation? X

Sugartitss Fri 24-Apr-20 01:06:40

you’re a good friend op.

I’ve seen this often on here and really thought about what i would do if i was in this predicament and i would expose it.

When i found out my ex husband cheated i wished someone had told me as i was making decisions based on lies and i felt so cheated.

good luck!

Nikhedonia Fri 24-Apr-20 01:07:52

I'd tell her. It would be awful not too.

She may not thank you for it, but it's most probably the right thing to do

1forAll74 Fri 24-Apr-20 01:16:02

I would not say anything to your friend, It is the couples own business,and they will have to deal with all the issues that come up.A partner will usually find out about the other cheating partner eventually, so it's not good to get involved in any way.

FlamedToACrisp Fri 24-Apr-20 01:16:54

I would tell her, but only if you have some kind of actual evidence. "He was clearly lying" is just your opinion - not a good enough reason to crush someone's world. Maybe he was lying, but for another reason, not because he was unfaithful.

whodhavethunk Fri 24-Apr-20 01:23:28

Sugar' - thank you. I am just sorry you have had to go through something similar in your life. But I do appreciate your personal opinion. Look after yourself x

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whodhavethunk Fri 24-Apr-20 01:26:30

You're all being very helpful - thank you. It's useful to hear people's opinions and get a general gist.
As for truth, I know for a fact he is having an affair, there is no doubt about that, sadly.

OP’s posts: |
FlaskMaster Fri 24-Apr-20 01:27:29

I would want to know. She has a right to be able to make an informed decision about her relationship. You shouldn't keep it a secret from her.

Samtsirch Fri 24-Apr-20 01:29:39

What if she already knows ?
Best thing you can do is be there when she asks you to be, not before.

LAMN21 Fri 24-Apr-20 01:34:53

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LostGirl7 Fri 24-Apr-20 01:35:36

Give him the ultimatum if you've got undeniable evidence; you tell her or I will type thing.

LAMN21 Fri 24-Apr-20 01:35:53

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

whodhavethunk Fri 24-Apr-20 01:38:46

LAMN - I don't know whether to engage with you or not but I can assure you I am not who you say I am. I don't know who you are referring to. But I guess you'll have to take my word for it.

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Lilolily Fri 24-Apr-20 01:38:57

What if she finds out and finds out you knew and didn’t tell her?

chipsandgin Fri 24-Apr-20 01:39:12

If you were my friend I’d want to know.

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