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Am I unreasonable?

(167 Posts)
whattododoido Thu 23-Apr-20 19:43:39

I’m new to this..

So my boyfriend of a year and a half has a 5 year old son. I moved in with him for lockdown.
Both being off work he’s seen a lot more of his son. Which I understand. Me and his son have always got on but he is an extremely active child. He’ll wake at 6 and go to bed at 9 and every second he demands your attention. He’s also repetitive so I find it quite tiring and monotonous. As soon as he starts playing football he wants to know what we’re playing next. If I don’t cheer him he shouts at me. If I score a goal he calls me rubbish and pulls my clothes and has punched me. He’s bossy. I have to watch him ride his bike. If my partner kisses me he says well you haven’t kissed me. Or hugs etc. I try not to be touchy feeling around him and I always put the child first. I don’t get much peace. He even follows me in the toilet.
When daddy isn’t around he will kick things. I ask him not to but he doesn’t listen. He has even punched his own face. I daren’t say anything to my partner as he isn’t the easiest to communicate.
The school recently called my partner and his ex because his son punched a boy. But my partner still says it wasn’t his fault, the other boy was a bully.
Anyway, it came up in conversation I said maybe they shouldn’t play fight as that’s why he’s aggressive. My partner didn’t like the comment. Then we he spoke about when he was seeing his son next, and planning where he wants to take him on holiday etc I just said, I think couple time is important too. We’ve never had a couple holiday. Only a weekend away. He never asks what I want to do. The only time we eat out etc or go somewhere is the days he has his son. Call me old fashioned but a little romance wouldn’t go amiss and also it would be nice to know he appreciates the time and effort I dedicate to his child. He flipped his lid saying, it’s my son and stormed off. I didn’t mean that. I meant the time he doesn’t see him, can we not have some quality time. It escalated to an argument. I said you never do anything for me. You’re obsessed with your son and I’m bored of playing football, rugby, fighting, I’m not a bloke.
He flipped again. He ended it. Threw all of my stuff out on the landing and I had to leave. We haven’t spoken since. He blocked me so I can’t contact him to explain. Unless I drive there which I’m not strong enough to do yet as I’m upset. It’s the first time I’ve get shouted back at him.
I’ve recently lost my dad to an illness and my mum is self isolating so I’ve had a lot on my mind.
Maybe I’ve just needed space and quiet time to deal with it and being around too much noise etc has gotten on top of me? And that’s how I reacted that way.
Has anyone else done anything similar? Am I bad for saying these things? Does it warrant ending the relationship? Or something we could discuss?
I’d appreciate any advice. Thanks.

OP’s posts: |
rvby Thu 23-Apr-20 19:50:17

You were taking care of his son when he wasn't there (why, btw?) And couldn't even communicate clearly enough with him to address his son hitting you?

He did you a favour, you should have been out of this relationship a long time ago. You were unreasonable to leave it this long and not dump the man yourself.

TwistyHair Thu 23-Apr-20 19:54:32

I think there’s two separate issues. One is his son’s behaviour, which doesn’t sound great and the other is how much time he spends with his son. You can’t tell him to spend less time with his son and of course he’s obsessed with his son. That’s a good thing. But you could talk to him about how to handle the son hitting you. That’s not ok.

However, if his response to an argument is to block you, then I don’t think there’s a way forward. That sounds a bit game playing and childish

Aquamarine1029 Thu 23-Apr-20 19:54:34

Him throwing you out is the best thing that could have happened for you. This relationship was doomed. Pick yourself up, move on, and be glad you're out of a hopeless situation.

Justtryingtobehelpful Thu 23-Apr-20 19:54:36

Block him completely. He's looking for someone to share the work of raising his cooker with him but doesn't want to let you have a say in raising him. I suspect it'll always be like this too.

You say you never shouted at him before. So you have strong boundaries? Are you good at confronting others and calling them out on their behaviour? If not, he may have liked you add his partner as you'll go along with him and not rock the boat.

Stay broken up and work on yourself instead. Fine someone who treats you with love and respect. Someone who knows you're worth romancing. Someone with whom it's equal terms not only on their terms!!

category12 Thu 23-Apr-20 19:57:57

Bullet dodged, I'd say, why on earth are you thinking you should try to get back with him?

Windyatthebeach Thu 23-Apr-20 19:58:37

Ime nothing less attractive than a man who refuses to be a parent to their dc..
Nothing to do with your attitude imo op. Block him and be glad you had a lucky escape...

FlowerArranger Thu 23-Apr-20 20:00:44

I daren’t say anything to my partner as he isn’t the easiest to communicate.... We’ve never had a couple holiday. Only a weekend away. He never asks what I want to do.... He flipped his lid saying, it’s my son and stormed off.... He flipped again. He ended it. Threw all of my stuff out on the landing and I had to leave. We haven’t spoken since. He blocked me so I can’t contact him to explain.

My dear girl.... I hope you don't mind my saying this, but you sound very young... What do you get out of this relationship? Would you not be happier by yourself?

If you had to write an objective statement about your boyfriend, what would you write? If you had a daughter, would you want her to tie herself to someone like him?

Do you feel that he respects you? Respect is more important than love, it really is.

No? Not a nice guy? So why waste your precious life with him?

I can suggest something that is well deserving of your time: read Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. Please do - you won't regret it flowers

Theweasleytwins Thu 23-Apr-20 20:05:58

Sounds like he was after a free nanny

MitziK Thu 23-Apr-20 20:07:20

Sounds like he wanted you to do the looking after his kid thing so he didn't have to. And if you didn't want to do that (which I don't criticise you for, he's not your child), you serve no purpose for him. Using the word 'obsessed' was wrong, or at least inaccurate, he should love his child and put him first (but hasn't), he's just not interested in you if you aren't doing his job for him.

Don't go back. Don't waste your time. He'll either have to learn to parent his own child or, most likely, he'll start looking for somebody else to do it for him.

whattododoido Thu 23-Apr-20 20:10:47

@mitzik I know obsessed was the wrong word. And I regret that but things get said in the heat of the moment. I felt rejected by his reaction and hurt so I guess i retaliated in anger.

OP’s posts: |
whattododoido Thu 23-Apr-20 20:12:52

@TwistyHair I know obsessed was the wrong word. It just came out in an argument. I’d never tell him not to see his son or see him less. My pint was we need couple time too.
Blocking isn’t the answer, it leaves me anxious. He is very avoidant rather than wanting to sort things out like I do.

OP’s posts: |
rvby Thu 23-Apr-20 20:15:00

@whattododoido

Blocking isn’t the answer, it leaves me anxious. He is very avoidant rather than wanting to sort things out like I do.

Wait... so you want to carry on a relationship with him?

Are you a complete mug? What possible reason would you have to want to keep seeing someone who clearly doesnt give a fuck about you?

MitziK Thu 23-Apr-20 20:17:30

He's blocking you to bring you back in line. Textbook abuse, particularly with the throwing your stuff out when you dared to tell him it's his job to be a father to his own son.

And to get you back to doing his parenting for him because you're 'grateful' for him giving you the chance to ask him to take you back.

Blocking is absolutely the answer - for you. You need to stay away from this shit excuse for a father.

whattododoido Thu 23-Apr-20 20:17:40

@rvby I would r obviously. But the night before he was telling me how much he loves me etc. I don’t get how he can flip the switch so quickly. My initial comment was just couple time is imparting too l. Then it flared up from his reaction.

OP’s posts: |
MitziK Thu 23-Apr-20 20:19:00

Keeps you on your toes, doesn't it, this flipping from nice to nasty?

He can flip because it's how he maintains control - training you to obey.

whattododoido Thu 23-Apr-20 20:20:45

@mitzik yes maybe you’re right. When I go back I am so happy we’re ok and I ‘learn my lesson’ not to mention that again. Though this time I did shout and say you can’t control me I have an opinion if my own.

OP’s posts: |
rvby Thu 23-Apr-20 20:21:54

But the night before he was telling me how much he loves me etc. I don’t get how he can flip the switch so quickly

No switch was flicked. He sees you as a nanny and someone to make his life easier. When you had an opinion, you stopped acting like a domestic appliance. So he got rid of you.

That's just what men like this are like. They say whatever they need to to keep a woman in domestic service to them. If the woman gets uppity, or demands more than they think should be necessary, they put them on the scrap heap. Theres a reason there was no couple time etc. You dont take your dishwasher out for a meal...

whattododoido Thu 23-Apr-20 20:23:52

@rvby that’s a good way to explain it, thanks.

OP’s posts: |
Intothefuture Thu 23-Apr-20 20:23:55

Even if you did get back with him, what would be different with his son? Nothing. You would be in the same position.

Starfish1021 Thu 23-Apr-20 20:25:02

This man is a textbook abuser. Please don’t get back with him. Try and work out why you would possibly think this level of abuse is acceptable in a relationship?

ANoiseAnnoys Thu 23-Apr-20 20:25:53

I would call it a day as it sounds like you are finding it very difficult to deal with his son (which is understandable) but it’s just going to cause more problems in the future. What if there is a problem with the child’s mum and he has to come and live with you and his dad? How will you feel about that? His son has to be his priority.

It sounds like the child needs some discipline but your bf isn’t willing to make the effort to instil it and you sound maybe a little immature OP.
Also throwing your stuff out onto the landing etc (unless you were being aggressive) is nasty and again, childish. Sounds like you both have a bit of growing up to do.

BumbleBeee69 Thu 23-Apr-20 20:29:24

He blocked me so I can’t contact him to explain

explain what exactly OP... ? you my lovely have had a very lucky escape... do not believe for a minute that his next girlfriend will fare any better than you.. the guy is not interested in having a partner he wants a full time nanny.. this will not change..

stay strong OP and do not cave to this controlling selfish bully... flowers

whattododoido Thu 23-Apr-20 20:29:50

@anoiseannoys why do I sound immature?

OP’s posts: |
Emerald46 Thu 23-Apr-20 20:43:12

I think you sound mature, op. You tried to deal with the argument by discussing things but he, on the other hand, threw a tantrum. He sounds like very hard work. You are better off without him. I agree with others, he expects you to be the unpaid nanny without being allowed to express an opinion. Please leave him be and get on with having a happy life without this man child x

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